Dear Love Doctor

Should I Shake Off My Ex?

Why not send former Kingston-resident Love Doctor your relationship queries? Use the form to submit your question(s).


My ex-girlfriend has been clingy ever since we split up almost a year ago. She calls me every night and we chat for hours about virtually everything, except romance.

I accept that our romance died and neither of us has dated anyone since. We’ve not even met up face to face since the breakup.

I’m wondering whether I should try to escape her clutches to get my love life back on track.


Anthony, St. Elizabeth


Love Doctor’s Answer:

Love Doctor Monti and his Criss Ting

You are encouraging her by keeping open the channels of communication. If you really do wish to shake her off, you need to be stronger.

You parted around a year ago for a reason. I’m unsure what the reason was, but it seems to me that you two couldn’t let go of your loving partnership.

There are other forms of love apart from romance. However, you appear to be in the throes of a romantic relationship. As you two never discuss meeting up, you are avoiding the next natural step after loving someone romantically. Namely loving someone sexually, which cements long-lasting love.

If there’s no chance of you two getting back together, then you must be direct and explain that you wish to move on with your love life. In a polite and respectful way clearly state that you feel she’s holding you back.

Tell her you feel your relationship is only based on affectionate love and friendship, which the ancient Greeks called Philia. This type of love is felt among friends who have endured tricky romantic times, resulting in mutual respect and empathy.

She could show respect by wishing you all the best, or she may well be upset if she wants you all to herself. This needs to be established before you consider dating.


Should she prove supportive, this immediately opens up a new world of dating for you. With this option it’s imperative to be patient by waiting until you firmly believe that you’re 100% ready to date again.

Should she prove tricky, you need to explain to her that your relationship ended sometime ago and that the time has come for you two to both explore new pastures.

By telling her the truth it’s crucial to let her down gently. Maybe apply the rule of three, which is when you deliver two positive points prior to delivering a negative piece of information — which in this scenario is that your daily communication must stop.

My advice is for you to politely explain that your romantic relationship drew to a natural close and although you love her affectionately, the constant communication is preventing you from pursuing a new romance. Gauge her reaction to informing her that you are ready to try to find love again.

However, you may need some time out from her constant barrage of nightly cheats before you begin to date again. Tread with trepidation, as you don’t want to just date for the sake of it and leave yourself in an emotional mess.

It’s essential for you to be dismissive towards just any woman that catches your eye. Men are visual creatures so can easily be swayed by looks alone.

Only decide to go out with another lady when you feel ready to bounce back onto the dating scene, and firmly believe that she is potentially superior to your last girlfriend. You don’t want to be out there and confused romantically.

You should try to find a common denominator that will keep you together, and be able to build the relationship up on mutual love, trust and respect. I suggest that you seek the same long-term romantic ambitions and life goals.

Then you can subtly shake off this lady who won’t leave you alone, by telling her that you have found her replacement and want some advice.


Women tend to become jealous of each other quite quickly. By asking for advice from your former girlfriend, she may become so upset that she begins to ignore you. That would be a result as then you are free from the past.

However, if she wants you back in her life romantically then there’s very little chance that she will say positive things. This could trigger her to reveal her deep feelings for you.

If she truly loves you then she will be supportive. This is sadly a rare reaction from any ex to want the best for their former lover.

I will be blunt and inform you that you have lost a very special person if she displays genuine encouragement for you to pursue a fresh relationship. This should be the time to consider whether you have made a huge error of judgement between you two for ending the romance, and whether it can be rekindled.

Generally speaking I don’t advise returning to the arms of an ex for a plethora of reasons, only if you are soulmates and there were adverse circumstances that tore you apart.

Keep faith in yourself, and try to move on when you feel you can. If you know in your heart of hearts that you cannot find someone better than your ex-girlfriend then talk to her about potentially restarting the romance.

Yet if you are looking for a new and exciting relationship because it has totally fizzled out with your ex, then only seek someone worthy of your love and devotion on a long-term basis.

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