Back On The Dating Scene But I’m Confused
Why not send former Kingston-resident Love Doctor your relationship queries? Use the form to submit your question(s).
I was so hurt about being dumped that it’s taken me just over a year to start properly dating again.
My ex has always remained in touch, and whenever we’ve met it’s been just like we were together but without the sex.
I’ve stopped all contact with my ex since this new man appeared four weeks ago. He’s the same age, mid-40s, as my ex but he just doesn’t measure up to him physically, mentally or in character.
Should I let things grow organically, as this new man is eager and wants to go out to have fun. Or should I follow my heart and make a U-turn with my ex who always tells me that he remains deeply in love with me?
Ms R, Hanover
Love Doctor’s Answer:
Being dumped is pushing you to extremes, although you haven’t mentioned why you two split. Maybe passion died and you quarrelled, then you allowed each other to part. Whatever caused it has foolishly allowed you to drift for over a year.
You are now facing a new challenge, because your heart has yet to be won by this new man on the scene.
On the one hand your latest beau is getting all of your interest while you’ve pushed your ex away, but your heart isn’t totally convinced that he’s the right man for you long-term.
My advice is to not feel guilty about dating again as it sounds that you’ve healed by seeing your ex every now and again. Breaking up is a confusing time. Maybe you are only seeing the new man to end the demons of being ousted by your ex, or want to show your ex what he’s missed out on.
I urge you to go and have some fun with this new man. My concern is that as you mention it is only ticking along organically. Initially stick to just fun rather than fun and frolics.
Set a deadline of four months overall to see where things are with him, and if you still feel that he doesn’t measure up to your ex then you should consider breaking this new relationship off.
These four months will be the honeymoon period, so if they aren’t near perfect then quite frankly your long-term future seems doomed.
Your motives for no longer being in touch with your ex could be due to a number of factors. I would imagine that you don’t want to hurt his feelings and keep your options open. Maybe it is so you can concentrate on your man and give him 100% attention.
Don’t give up on your new man and let it be over before it’s really started. You mention that he’s eager, which is because he’s trying to impress you in the early stages. Yet you’ll both soon know whether this relationship is going to work out.
Love can be cruel but not forced. However much we try to follow our head, if you have a truly unbelievable connection with someone then you follow that path.
If after four months you are ready to show this new man the door and return to the arms of your ex, then be prepared for your former love interest to have moved on. However, that’s most unlikely if he’s been stating that he remains in love with you.
Repairing a relationship is not always the easiest thing to undertake, but as he dumped you then it’s okay to be a femme fatale although I would discourage ever telling him about this love interest. He may well bring up the topic of getting back together sooner rather than later.
As you’ve been through the mill emotionally after being dumped, but remained friends, then it’s best to keep your dreams alive for a loving relationship by following your heart.
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