Why not send former Kingston-resident Love Doctor your relationship queries? Use the form to submit your question(s).
I’ve been single since before Christmas, having been dumped after six years of what I thought was bliss. I’ve stayed away from going out to the usual places we visited because I didn’t want to bump into him.
Last week a mutual friend told me that he’s bought a dog for companionship, and not entered another relationship.
I’m not sure that I’m ready to get back on the singles scene, because I am lacking confidence after last year’s shock break-up. When should I start looking for romance?
Love Doctor’s Answer:
When a relationship comes crashing down it’s not easy to deal with because of the emotional chaos, which must be hurtful for you as it is a form of rejection.
So many relationships rely on being together purely on a superficial basis, which tends to happen with men as they are visual creatures. However, I’m unsure if he decided to break up for this reason.
There’s no living happily ever after for most couples, as they aren’t committed as they only want fun and frolics.
As much as we often try to hang onto a relationship that’s fading, you should reflect on six years being a long time without moving in together or getting engaged. Surely you realised that he wasn’t committed on a long-term basis.
It’s a pity that you have had the stuffing knocked out of you as far as your self esteem is concerned. It will take time for you to recover, and can take up to three years as it is a form of grieving for some people. Others only require a month, generally that happens if they’ve been badly hurt in the past so have the know-how on bouncing back.
Time is the only healer for you as the injured party. You need time to fully deal with this loss, but you can move on.
You’ll be feeling angry and upset as your relationship went off the rails, but well done for not wanting to turn back the clock and return into his arms. Most people who try to rekindle their relationship end up disappointed, as it will only be a diluted version and rarely works out.
My advice is to move forward when only you feel ready. Fortunately love often strikes when you least expect it, especially when you aren’t seeking a romance.
Yet if you still possess an aching heart, then this is far from ideal to start a new romance. This would just become a doomed rebound relationship and be a total waste of your time and efforts.
Be patient until you are ready to date again. You need to wait until you can find an upgrade, but you must feel ready to bounce back onto the dating scene.
My advice is for you to only date when you know that the next date is better than your last beau. So try to find a common denominator that will keep you together. Look for the same long-term romantic ambitions, as you don’t want your next relationship to end like the last one.
Keep faith in yourself, and try to move on when you feel you can. This unfortunate experience will have dented your confidence. Yet one day you’ll realise this was a blessing in disguise, because you know in your heart of hearts that you can do so much better next time.
I urge you to ensure that the next suitor is a proper upgrade. Quiz him on his first few dates exactly why his previous relationships ended. If he moans about his ex-girlfriends and has nothing pleasant to say about them then leave him to wallow, because he’s the sort who doesn’t respect women.
You are much better off waiting to find someone worthy of your love and devotion. You want an exciting relationship to reignite your faith in romance and indeed men.
Although your ex’s character is a real let down for you after six years together, be grateful that you weren’t married. At least he hasn’t rushed into the arms of someone else, instead choosing to be single with a dog.
Change is the only constant in our lives. You will have learned from this break up rather than remain confused. But building a new and solid relationship can only occur when you are emotionally ready.
If you aren’t ready yet then instead channel your pain into a new hobby, ideally something that involves exercise that will release endorphins to lift your mood and spirits.
The majority of new gym members are likely to have recently come out of a relationship, which means that it should be jam-packed with singletons. This is a great place to potentially meet your next boyfriend, but only when you feel ready.
I urge you to stop reflecting on your broken relationship and focus on the future by taking control. It’s now time for you to completely let go of the past to concentrate on your new-found freedom.
Although your break up wasn’t your choice, in the near future you will reflect that it was for the best. Concentrate on your rebuilding mission to repair your heartache and, once ready, you will be able to embrace a long-term loving relationship.
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