Shock Split And Being Replaced Hurts
Why not send former Kingston-resident Love Doctor Monti, the author of Journey To Find The Perfect Partner Forever, your relationship queries? Use our form to submit your question or send an email.
Question:
I got dumped two days before Valentine’s Day by my girlfriend of just under a year. It was pretty much only a part-time relationship, but I’m gutted by our split.
Although the timing was terrible, I’ve since found out that she was a compulsive liar and she has jumped immediately into the arms of another man.
I didn’t see that coming as we had booked trips together for the next couple of months. I’m hurt and wounded, what’s my best way to recover?
B, Manchester Parish
Love Doctor’s Answer:
Given the heave-ho before any important date, whether it’s a birthday or a traditional holiday, is always going to be a double blow and will take time to recover.
You will understandably go through a rollercoaster of emotions, including anger and rejection, with time the only healer.
Often relationships run their course within a year, when the rose-tinted glasses are well and truly off with flaws becoming apparent. This time period is also when the novelty of a relationship can wane, and unless you are introducing a variety of activities together then your ‘honeymoon period’ can easily crash and burn.
At least you didn’t waste your time and money on this lady for St. Valentine’s Day this year, or on the trips you planned. No doubt you feel shell-shocked and were broken-hearted on the world’s most romantic day, knowing that she had swapped your love for another man.
STAY CALM
Part-time relationships, for whatever reason they exist, do open up the opportunity for one or both parties to consider who else is single if they are dissatisfied with the romance.
Calling your ex-girlfriend a compulsive liar may be a bit of a harsh statement, and probably just sour grapes as she has moved on very swiftly from your relationship.
You have different options available. You can either lick your wounds and get back out there, remain angry at your treatment by her, or wallow in your heartache and just wait until you are ready for another serious relationship.
FUN ‘N’ FROLICS
Being so emotionally unavailable, you must not contemplate leaping straight back into a serious relationship. Just seek fun ‘n’ frolics rather than try to prove to your former flame that you can swiftly find a new partner like she has.
You are vulnerable now, so any lady you start dating could take advantage of you, and vice versa. You don’t want to find yourself in a situation where you have dated on the rebound, where you are theoretically using a woman to prove to yourself that you are lovable.
My advice is to dust yourself down from the heartbreak. Print out any photos of the two of you off your cell phone, and then delete these once the pictures arrive. You don’t want constant memories of the failed relationship.
HAPPY MEMORIES
When the envelope arrives with these beautiful memories, simply store them away rather than look at those happy times. You can visit those photos when your heart has fully healed.
In the meantime you definitely need to try to be much more respectful about her to colleagues, family and friends rather than playing the blame game and referring to her as a “compulsive liar”.
Even if it turned out that she had lied to you and been deceitful, you don’t need to be bitter and run her down. You are best to think positively, and follow the old Jamaican adage of “negative energy is a waste of energy”.
I urge you to compile an impromptu list of five things you loved about your brief romance, and five things that made her so special to you.
DON’T RUSH
Armed with this vital information you have narrowed down what you want from your next serious relationship. It should mean that you won’t rush into any old romance unless the woman ticks some of the same boxes that you had in your last partnership.
By wallowing in self-pity and confused by the situation you find yourself in, means that you will find yourself constantly referring to your ex-girlfriend. This is natural, and will take time for you to heal.
Don’t allow the pain to be increased by devoting your energy and thoughts on her. Nothing you can do can turn back time, and she really isn’t worth your devotion by racing off with another romantic liaison so quickly after you broke up.
VANISHING TRICK
It appears that you were not totally committed to this relationship by only conducting it on a part-time basis. Maybe the reason that she has vanished out of your life is because she was after a fully-fledged romance.
It’s her loss as far as you are concerned, and if you want to get your self-esteem back then utilise this time as a singleton to your advantage. Take a good look at your appearance and make any tweaks that you believe are necessary.
It can be a new haircut, aftershave, watch, shoes or clothes. You will have some extra cash now that you aren’t dating this woman, so by treating yourself after a break-up means that you value yourself.
RESET BUTTON
By waiting until you are ready to leap back onto the dating scene is the most sensible option. Your heart needs time to fully heal, and can take anywhere from six months to three years for your reset button to work.
Getting over a broken relationship is never easy, but you have the advantage of it having only been on a part-time basis rather than living together.
Think of this horrible scenario as a learning curve, and don’t allow it to knock your confidence. Try to rebuild yourself to become the person that you want to be, rather than the man that your ex-girlfriend was trying to turn you into.
REALITY BITE
The fact that you had trips planned together was not enough of an incentive for her to stay with you, and this means you should take a reality check to work out why she dumped you. Find a buddy to go on these trips, or cancel them if you feel they would do more damage than good.
True love and romance is all about commitment, but she stepped away by refusing to commit emotionally. If you can’t come up with some other reasons why she dumped you, try to organise closure with a face-to-face chat with your former flame.
This isn’t something to consider now as the pain is too raw, plus she has a new boyfriend. Give it six months before you contact her again if you still need closure. In the meantime don’t message her unless absolutely necessary, and your best bet is to delete the last digit of her number so that you don’t send her messages when upset.
WAITING GAME
In six months time, if she agrees to meet you, don’t contemplate getting back together. She’s massively hurt you once, and you really don’t want to suffer the same anguish again.
Ensure that if you must contact her then it is very clear you are only meeting up for closure and not to give your relationship a second shot. Rarely do romances work out when you return into each other’s arms.
Now is the chance to be a better person than her. When you talk incessantly about her over the next few months just say good things rather than allow your disbelief to turn into anger.
RENEW CONFIDENCE
Fine-tuning your appearance, diet, health, mind and social life will soon restore your confidence. When you have the feel-good factor back you will naturally attract attention.
Remodelling your appearance, and your attitude towards dating, is the best way to cope with your break-up. Throwing yourself into work or one of your hobbies will keep you suitably distracted.
You can eat yourself happy with a plethora of foods such as bananas, berries, coffee, dark chocolate, nuts and wasabi, rather than turn to alcohol to drown your sorrows.
EMOTIONAL BALANCE
Pump up your endorphins with physical activity to enjoy an emotional balance and increase your sense of well-being, such as joining a gym that will be jam-packed with singletons.
Keeping your mind and social life busy, so that you don’t dwell on the past, is the path to restoring your mojo. Without being emotionally available you cannot seriously consider embarking on another romantic adventure.
In time your heart will heal, with this woman no longer on your mind, meaning that you can entertain a more fulfilling relationship next time and possibly show more commitment than a part-time romance.
Remember to share this article on Facebook and other Social Media Platforms. To submit your own articles or to advertise with us please send us an EMAIL at: [email protected]