Dear Love Doctor

Is The Waiting Game Too Much Of A Gamble?

Why not send former Kingston-resident Love Doctor your relationship queries? Use the form to submit your question(s).


I’ve been dating a beautiful woman who’s 16 years my junior for 10 months. It’s been smooth sailing apart from one aspect. She’s very religious and told me from the start that there’s no sex before marriage.

We see each other two or three times a week, our friends and families approve of our relationship. I’m just unsure if it’s too big a risk waiting for a few years to consummate our relationship in case we aren’t sexually compatible.

Please give me some guidance because I’m having minor concerns.


Michael, Kingston


Love Doctor’s Answer: 

Love Doctor Monti and his Criss Ting

Understandably you are slightly worried about what the future holds between the sheets, as you have been a gentleman and respected her wishes so far.

When you fall in love with someone special there firstly needs to be affection between the two of you. This develops into romantic love, with the finale of you loving each other sexually.

This particular aspect appears to be unavailable for you two unless you get married, and you’ve already referred to that only happening in “a few years” so aren’t in a hurry for a wedding.

The big question is are you willing to wait until you have taken her up the aisle before embarking on lovemaking? If so, then continue to love her but air your worries to ease your mind.

I advise you to establish whether her aversion to lovemaking is down to her religious beliefs or whether she is wishing to direct you towards marriage. She may believe that you are a good catch, and this could be a ploy. It’s best to be direct to discover whether she is a virgin.

Your own friends may assume that you have already been sexually intimate with this lady as it is fast approaching a year together. Some couples wait, others are led by lust and their relationship comes crashing down because they weren’t really friends in the first place.


The advantage you have generated is that a slow-burning relationship like yours has a terrific chance to end up as happy ever after.

We are all sexual beings, although lovemaking rather than sex is a beautiful and fulfilling experience. If you are prepared to wait for this momentous occasion, it shows that you truly love and appreciate this lady.

Many couples who decide to wait to embark on sexual activity discover that they are incompatible in the bedroom. For those who are unfortunate to experience this then sadly a quickie divorce follows, and they tend to swiftly bounce into a rebound relationship because of this trauma.

This is usually because when one person has decided to wait for intimacy, which means there’s a high chance of a lack of sexual understanding between the couple. This can lead to dissatisfaction and destroy the relationship.

So much depends on whether you truly love this lady enough to play the waiting game and marry her. This partnership is reasonably new and you both may not want to get married, in which case you must determine whether the relationship is more about companionship than love.

Do you both want to continue or could you be wasting each other’s time with a sexless relationship?

If you are serious about this lady, and do envisage marriage, now is the time to open up the channels of communication. Ask her where she sees the long-term with you. If she believes in you as her forever partner then be direct and ask what she expects sexually.

You need to explain that you only mention this because you don’t wish to be one of those couples who divorce shortly after marriage. This fact will alert her, as divorce can often go against some people’s religious beliefs. Inform her that there are other ways to experience intimacy apart from sex.

I urge you to stress to her that being a sexually compatible couple is important to you because you really want the relationship to work both now and in the future. Ask her to consider reading up on the subject, as you can explain that you don’t wish to disappoint her.


Once she has delved into some literature on the subject ask her if you can discuss the different types of foreplay, sexual fantasies and also her desired frequency of sexual relations.

She may initially feel uncomfortable discussing sexual relations as she’s clearly inexperienced. However, when she’s read about this subject matter and you’ve spoken about it, she may change her mind about sex before marriage.

It’s crucial to avoid telling her about any previous partners. She won’t want to hear that, and a gentleman never kisses and tells. Don’t say anything bad about any previous ladies you’ve been intimate with, because that would indicate you are generally disrespectful towards women. Just concentrate on the two of you, and focus on the future.

It’s worth telling her about some of the benefits from sexual activity, and reiterate that you are willing to wait. She is after a man who adores her, and respects her religious beliefs when it comes to physical intimacy. Try to encourage her to think positively by giving her an inkling of how she will benefit from sex after marriage.

It’s best to explain that sexual activity releases the hormone oxytocin. This will naturally produce feelings of emotional connection and intimacy. It will deepen your closeness and enhance your emotional well-being to generate relationship satisfaction, which is perfect for a newly-married couple.

At least you have shown devotion towards her by not being demanding about sexual intimacy, nor run away because of the lack of a sex life.

It sounds as though you currently possess a healthy partnership, and voicing your concerns will clear the air. She will appreciate that you respect her if you can continue to not pressure her into sexual activity, and are willing to wait to consummate the loving partnership.

Remember to share this article on Facebook and other Social Media Platforms. To submit your own articles or to advertise with us please send us an EMAIL at: [email protected]

5 3 votes
Article Rating
Notify of

Inline Feedbacks
View all comments