How Do I Escape Being A Sugar Mummy?

Why not send former Kingston-resident Love Doctor your relationship queries? Use the form to submit your question(s).

Question:

I’m childless and in my early 60s coming up to Valentine’s Day all alone, which is worrying.

I’ve only ever been career-minded and got my first real kiss in my mid-30s from a much younger guy.

Since then there’s been a string of men younger than me. Over the past decade they’ve been even younger, at least 25 years age difference. I felt like a Sugar Mummy because I financed every guy.

  

These relationships have lasted a maximum of nine months. With retirement looming next year I want to stop the rot and settle down with an age appropriate man, but I need guidance.

R, Kingston

 

Love Doctor’s Answer:

Love Doctor Monti and his Criss Ting

Carving out a career is never an issue, but a possible reason for sustaining a long-term romance could be that you loved your work more than them.

Many men can be similar to dogs in that they demand constant attention, food and sex. Women are more in tune with cats than dogs, because they seek being cared for and looked after while remaining independent but also desire human kindness.

Being a late developer, as your career was priority, means that you’re probably emotionally immature. This accounts for constantly being romantically involved with younger gentlemen.

You mentioned that some were young enough to be your son, which to many people that don’t know you may have thought it was actually a mother and son scenario.

As you never had a child, and mentioned that at the start of your dilemma, I believe that you were deliberately finding men that filled that void in your life. As you were financing them too, then you were effectively mothering them and in the modern world could be labelled as a Sugar Mummy.

  

I’m unsure why your relationships faltered so quickly, one of the parties could be impatient or maybe the relationship was always going to be short-lived. Think about whether work came first in your romantic forays, because that can be a deal breaker as your partners could have become jealous.

As you are fast approaching retirement, my advice is to forget work when the time comes — and don’t contemplate taking on any part-time roles. You’ll miss your career, but you worked hard for your income so enjoy spending it on your interests.

If you want to find a potential partner to grow old with then you need to firstly widen your social circle and join groups. This opens up the opportunity to meet new faces, and those with a mutual interest.

A common interest can be the initial foundation for a romantic relationship, as it paves the way for conversation and to get to know people organically.

I don’t know the ins and outs of why your previous relationships fizzled out, but you are unlikely to meet ‘the one’ if focused on work. It sounds highly probable that you have experienced the equivalent of finding a stray cat by rescuing much younger men that you help out financially.

They will have got used to such star treatment if you are foolish enough to be over generous, and maybe even took advantage. Maybe that’s why the relationships ended after only short intervals, because they were financially draining on you.

If that was the case, with any of these short-term partners, that equates to caring for a proverbial stray cat who starts hissing and scratching — so may account for these romances ending.

Realistically you’re not going to meet ‘the one’ by putting your hand in your pocket or by putting your head in the sand by relentlessly working.

It’s time to start preparing for your happy future, post-work, and to consider the sort of man that you truly believe is a viable long-term partner.

  

Ask close friends and family members about who they envisage seeing you with romantically in the next few years. They know you best, so prompt them to shoot from the hip with their response.

As many people love to play matchmaker, if any of their replies are aligned with the sort of man that you believe could be a catch then ask them if they know this mystery man they are describing. If they do then suggest setting you up on a blind date or how you can meet them organically. If they don’t know this ideal man then get them to keep their eyes peeled on your behalf.

It’s no use leaving romance down to chance and fate, you need real desire to unearth someone suitable. You require commitment and devotion on this journey to find a pretty perfect partner.

Now’s the time to ensure that you love both your character and looks. Otherwise how can you expect a new man to eventually love you?

Work on upgrading your appearance to become confident about how you look and feel. Men are visual creatures, so there’s a need to make any potential suitor see something that he likes without coming across as tarty.

It’s essential to be extra confident with men, especially those more age appropriate. Learn to become more comfortable at approaching them to spark an initial conversation.

The majority of men are easily pleased by female attention, with most extremely flattered when a pretty face shows any interest.

Don’t be one of those difficult to please ladies, who demand near perfection by refusing to settle for anyone over a certain age, dashing good looks and/or love at first sight.

You need to be realistic and find the glue — similar aspirations, goals and interests — that will keep you involved with someone special. Armed with these there is no barrier to age difference, because if there’s true love you will evolve as a couple.

Bearing in mind your relationship history it’s best to avoid becoming a mother figure, regardless of a potential partner’s age. Instead ensure that you can both care and protect each other equally and appreciate each other’s worth.

  

Any lasting relationship can only be built initially on affectionate love, followed by romantic love before transcending into sexual connection over time.

It takes time and effort to work towards a long-lasting relationship that’s brimming with passion and respect, so treat a romance like your job and give it the love that it warrants.


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