Why not send former Kingston-resident Love Doctor your relationship queries? Use the form to submit your question(s).
My paradise with my lady ended last month, and now my hopes rest with two ex-girlfriends who’ve suddenly re-entered my life.
I’m beyond thinking whether either of these will be good for me. I’ve not told my friends, and I’ve kept both off social media accounts — even as friends. Juggling this pair of exes is not my style, so I’m ready to ditch one, but gently.
Since my split, and these two returning out of the blue, I still can’t get another ex-girlfriend off my mind. However, I’ve not reached out to her because our break-up wasn’t the best.
How should I move forward with my romantic life?
Damarley, St. Ann
Love Doctor’s Answer:
If you really wish to move forward then realistically by trying to rekindle the relationship with an ex-girlfriend is moving backwards.
Obviously you split up with these for a reason, and as the two exes have returned into your life then it’s not going to be a coincidence. They may have been keeping tabs on you from afar, or seen something you posted on social media.
That at least means they are eager to relight the fire. You’ve already mentioned that you’ve been spending time with both, and that one needs to vanish because you wish to be loyal.
There’s sadly nothing like a woman scorned, so be very careful how you end your relationship with an ex-girlfriend for a second time. You will end up being the bad guy and finishing with egg on your face if you are too harsh.
The absence of good communication is one of the main problems for a relationship breaking down. I urge you to ensure that you are gentle when you deliver the news that you’ll no longer be spending time romantically with the one ex-girlfriend that you wish to dismiss.
Your heart has undoubtedly been badly broken, and of course the easiest route is always to go backwards and date an ex. That way you are in familiar territory and feel comfortable, as well as the fact that you won’t experience rejection as you know that you once had something good between you.
However, it is a concern that you’ve got another former flame on your mind. I believe that as you’ve had your confidence knocked, and because this particular lady was so special to you, then you’re thinking about her for selfish reasons only.
If it was absolute love then you wouldn’t have broken up, so I suggest you try to recall why that relationship didn’t work out. If it was your fault then I urge you not to even contemplate contacting her. This is a case of leaving the past firmly in the past.
However, if it was down to her that you split then that’s a different scenario and one that you must seriously try to understand before making any move. You let her out of your life once, and if she was an upgrade to the lady that you most recently dated then it could be worth a second shot.
If this is just a desperate bid to return into her arms because you don’t wish to be alone then forget it. I suggest that once you are only seeing one ex-girlfriend then try to give that a whirl before you consider the other lady.
It’s advisable to stop any form of juggling with ladies, and potentially toying with their emotions, so concentrate on one at a time otherwise you’ll get a bad reputation.
Should you realise that this ex is not as special as you had hoped, only then start to research whether the lady on your mind is available before you consider making any form of contact. However, you may have to let this one go if she’s happy with her love life because you won’t want to rock the boat.
It sounds like you are mixed up emotionally, and feel that an ex-girlfriend is a safety net rather than wishing to move forwards. If that’s the case then maybe just see any exes as friends only, and I believe that you could suggest that these two meet up with you for coffee if they could potentially become friends.
The state of your romantic life sounds as though you need to back off from exes, and hit the reset button. You clearly aren’t ready to embark on a new relationship quite yet, so instead go out with your friends for some fun and keep your mind off a serious relationship.
Any self-respecting lady won’t want you to have a string of exes in the background ready for you to pounce on should your romantic life take a nosedive.
It’s far better for you to become more secure, move forward and start by improving yourself as a person so that you can offer the next lady in your life a well-rounded man. Just aim for finding someone in your league rather than being too fussy.
The more time you spend with an ex-girlfriend for the wrong reasons, and no potential long-term future, the more time you are wasting by possibly missing out on spending time with the right lady.
It’s best to give your heart time to heal from the last lady before you start any serious relationship, otherwise any potential suitress won’t be getting the full version of you. There’s ways to find your mojo and boost your confidence to find an upgraded version of your last partner.
I’ve always stuck to the adage of thinking with your head, loving with your heart and having the right motives romantically.
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