Is There A Way To Force Closure?
Why not send former Kingston-resident Love Doctor Monti, the author of Journey To Find The Perfect Partner Forever, your relationship queries? Use our form to submit your question or send an email.
Question:
It’s soon going to be a year since I split with my boyfriend. There’s been zero communication between us since, apart from my messages suggesting we see each other face-to-face.
Even though I dumped him, I’ve been unsuccessfully trying since Christmas to arrange a meet-up for closure.
I feel guilty for the way it ended, and I know deep down it was my mistake that we broke up. He’s probably ignoring my WhatsApp messages, which are read, because he’s angry.
I selfishly need closure to be able to move on, but I don’t know how to go about things. Please advise.
B, Kingston
Love Doctor’s Answer:
When one person walks away from a romantic relationship there’s usually going to be chaos, heartache, self-doubt and at least one partner going through torment.
Dealing with a sudden end to a meaningful romance can take up to three years for the pain to heal, although six to 12 months is more likely if tackled properly by not constantly talking about the former flame.
You may well be spot on with your assessment that he’s rudely ignoring your messages. That’s churlish of him, and extremely disrespectful. If that’s typical of his character, then you swerved a bad ‘un there and are much better off without someone who failed to show mutual respect.
Although there are other possibilities for him to be so dismissive of your messages, you don’t need to waste your time or energy on him. When you hit a year of being apart then you’ll both hopefully feel a huge burden lifted off your shoulders, and be ready to move on romantically if you haven’t done so already.
He may have a new girlfriend, which could be a rebound relationship if you hurt him badly, who takes control of his cellphone. In which case your messages get read then deleted by her.
Playing games, trying to make you feel guilty or sad, could be another reason for his silence. That is a sign of a controlling nature, and if you think back to the relationship you’ll probably realise that he was like that. If he was a controlling man then it sounds as though you are better off without him.
BALL IN YOUR COURT
On the other hand, if he’s really broken by this break and his heart is in tatters then you just need to leave him alone for a few months. He could be desperately waiting for an unlikely message from you to give your romance a second shot, and simply won’t reply unless you ask directly about rekindling what you had.
The ball is in your court if his heartache is the reason for not responding. You can either decide that maybe you would contemplate getting back together, explain to him the reason you wish to arrange a rendezvous or deal with closure yourself.
Returning to the arms of a former flame is more likely to end in tears than long-term happiness. When couples make a U-turn after having split up, it is frequently because they recall their romance through rose-tinted glasses and are usually lonely.
TURNING BACK TIME
Yet you can achieve the perfect romance if you both believe that the reasoning behind you dumping him was wrong, are both willing to forget it (although you would have to do some grovelling), and consider yourselves to be soul mates.
You mention that you require closure in order to move on. Work out what has prompted you to do this? Have you discovered that your ex-boyfriend has entered a new relationship?
As you stated that you started sending messages around Christmas time, you may have been hooked by the sugar-coated romances portrayed across the media for the festive season. There’s also been St. Valentine’s Day, which may have got you thinking about wanting to be in the arms of someone special.
SWIFT ACTION NEEDED
Without a rendezvous, which doesn’t seem likely to materialise, you can sort out closure quickly and effectively.
I suggest that you find any photos of the two of you, and of just him, which you have on social media platforms and your gadgets. Instead of deleting these, simply arrange to get these printed.
Order one copy of photos for yourself, and get the online printer to send one copy of these to your ex-partner. Don’t waste time looking and thinking about the past when the envelope with pictures arrives, simply don’t open it. Just file it somewhere to keep the memories locked up.
ADD POSITIVE VIBES
This course of action boasts positivity and will make you feel as though you’ve had a tete-a-tete with your former flame, and is effectively drawing a line under the relationship. His reaction, if any, to receiving the photos will unveil his true character.
If he is unpleasant then you’ll know it was a lucky escape to not be together, and meeting up would have been disastrous. Should he ignore your gesture then you are best to never contact such a rude man again.
If he is polite and thanks you for those treasured moments then he is a respectful man, and it may pave the way for finally arranging a get together or even to discuss giving your romance another whirl.
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