My Ex Is Always On My Mind
Why not send former Kingston-resident Love Doctor your relationship queries? Use the form to submit your question(s).
Question:
I’ve been single since June and still thinking about my ex-girlfriend. I can’t get her out of my head and constantly mention her name to my friends, who think I’m silly and should forget her.
I’m fit and healthy, a decent looking guy and attract women at the dancehalls. There just hasn’t been the same spark with anyone since she did her vanishing trick.
She lives only 30 minutes away. I’ve not ventured anywhere near her area as I know I would be heartbroken to see her, especially if she is with another man.
What’s your suggestion going forwards?
Ainsley, Kingston
Love Doctor’s Answer:
In life many relationships are like ships that pass in the night and will run their course without rhyme nor reason.
Instead of pining after someone who left the relationship, you should concentrate on yourself.
As it’s been almost six months since she vanished from your life, it is time that you dusted yourself down and begin to think about the future. You can’t wrap your arms around a memory.
Although you need time to heal from the hurt she caused, you need to consider why you still yearn for this lady that broke your heart.
Is she really “the one”? Could you ever see yourself together with her and living happily ever after? Do you believe that you can’t love again? Do you fear rejection again so you are avoiding another romance?
There’s a plethora of reasons why you have sat back and allowed this failed relationship to cause anguish. Maybe it’s time to either go for broke or draw a line under it, because you are only causing yourself further heartache.
First of all you need to consider why she suddenly left the relationship.
Was it your fault or hers? Whoever was at fault, ask yourself if that problem could be easily rectified.
If something could be changed to repair the romance then think about how you could tackle it.
If you believe that the problem was only minor, and you could seriously have a face-to-face chat with her to discuss potentially rekindling the relationship, then you should see how it could be repaired.
If it was major then best to focus on the future and eradicate your tainted memories.
Should it be repairable then the best way is to reach out to her and ask how life is treating her. You don’t want to come across as desperate, so stick to concentrating on her and forget mentioning you.
She won’t be impressed to hear that you are constantly thinking about her, as that will come across that you are concentrating on yourself and emotionally needy, so don’t tell her.
Yet should you get the chance to meet up, at an appropriate time you can mention that she’s always been on your mind.
That’s a sweet thing to say, and you can at least gauge from her body language how your words are taken. Is she pleased you told her that information, or is she just feeling that you won’t let her go?
You need to act according to whichever reaction she displays.
If this lady is willing to give your relationship another shot, then you need to determine what she is expecting from you both on a short-term and long-term basis. Otherwise you will simply get another dose of her walking away, which will dent your self-esteem and confidence.
The path of true love is never easy, romance is like a game of snakes and ladders. Your heart may be broken, but at least your spirit can’t be broken.
By speaking to her in person will be a game-changer. Either she can explain why you should be together or you shouldn’t. Be prepared for both scenarios, and don’t allow your emotions to show if she says that it’s impossible to date again.
If she gives you the brush off then it’s time to move forwards. Thank her for the amazing times you shared, let her know that you will always value those wonderful experiences and wish her well for the future.
Should you have confirmation that the relationship is definitely dead and buried you need to be a man, pull yourself together and venture boldly forwards. You must appreciate that you have wasted time thinking about her, and not really given any other ladies a chance.
Speak to your friends you believe that you are foolish to try to turn back time, and let them know that it’s time for you to start having fun again. You never know where your fun may lead, especially if you employ some chat-up lines.
Time is the only healer, as you have in effect grieved over the break-up. What’s holding you back from finding another partner to love?
My advice is to start making yourself the best you can. Look at how you can improve yourself, what changes are required to instil more self belief?
It’s advisable to look at taking up a new hobby to get your brain moving and meet fresh faces. Consider splashing the cash on new aftershave, clothes and even a different haircut. You may not notice the subtle changes but your family, friends and work colleagues will.
This improved version of you will bring a spring to your step and a better attitude, which won’t go unnoticed at the dancehalls. This means that maybe new faces will be keen to chat, which could lead to a potential romance.
The last woman effectively kicked you in the balls then disappeared from your life, so you may be in desperate need of getting your mojo back.
If it’s a fear of rejection that’s stopping you from finding an upgrade to your ex-girlfriend, take your time until you are emotionally ready for another romance. It’s not necessary to rush into things, and the best relationships tend to be those that are slow burners or grow organically.
It’s time to put your demons to bed about the ex-girlfriend. After your rendezvous with her just relax and enjoy your freedom or savour your new relationship with her.
You are healthy, young and getting attention from females at dancehalls, so the dating world is at your feet should your ex decide that it would never work out between you.
Keep an open mind and next time go out with a lady who values you and can make you a magical couple, rather than perform a vanishing trick like your last girlfriend.
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