Should I Consider a New Love Interest While I’m on a Break?
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Question:
I’m on break from my long-term girlfriend, who I love. I’ve met a new woman quite by chance, who I get on with like a house on fire.
We’ve been on one date and are both smitten by each other. However, I feel guilty because the mutual decision for a break doesn’t necessarily mean the end of our relationship.
I’m not used to having female attention as I’m middle-aged and only average looking. This new love interest, from way across the island for me, has injected a new spark for me that’s really exciting.
I’m not a player, having been with the same lady for a solid six years. This is the first blip we’ve experienced, but I’m interested in a second date with this new lady. What should I do?
Euclid, Clarendon
Love Doctor’s Answer:
It sounds like this is just a small snag with the lady that you profess to be in love with. However, it is a concern that you’ve had your head turned by someone new, who has suddenly entered your life and that you are craving to see her again.
My advice, generally speaking, is that once you notice other potential love interests then your current relationship is doomed.
Unsure why you are on a mutual break, maybe she’s unhappy that you haven’t shown more commitment to her after six years together. Is she not marriage material? Most ladies want a good man to commit to them on a long-term basis.
Obviously you’re over the honeymoon period with your partner, so if you truly love her and can visualise a happy future with her then maybe it’s time to tell her that she’s your forever lady. Pick the right time to tell her that she’s your special someone.
The best thing to do, before you even contemplate seeing this new woman, is to try to establish how long your mutual break is going to last. You also need to discover exactly why you are on a break, and whether this spells the end for you as a couple.
By suddenly finding someone new probably means that deep in your heart you believe that your girlfriend is going to be looking for a split. That accounts for why you’ve understandably put up your defences, because you fear that you’ll be suddenly dumped for whatever reason.
You mention that you don’t often get female attention and, for those men who rarely attract ladies, they often stick with the first one that shows interest. You don’t want to play a dangerous game and experience the unwanted drama of romantic double trouble.
Getting on “like a house on fire” is one thing, but could you envisage a full-on relationship with her? Going on one date is a new revelation for you, so having not been out with anyone new for the past six years will naturally bring you some excitement.
You don’t want to rush into things with this new lady, and to be fair to your current squeeze you have to establish exactly where you stand.
For some people then bouncing from one loving relationship and into the arms of someone new is part and parcel of romance, but these become meaningless down the line.
A second date is always the make or break rendezvous, so my advice is to try to arrange this asap while you remain on a break. You may find out that it was just an ego boost on the first date, as it was something new and thrilling.
The second date will determine how you both truly feel about each other, so discuss your individual long-term aspirations and try to find if you possess any similar interests.
The foundation for building a new, loving relationship is building up honesty, good communication, respect, trust and the same enthusiasm for activities. Finding common ground will stand you in good stead if you want to eventually fall in love with this new lady.
However, the current winner of your heart remains your long-term girlfriend. You have been 100% glad to have her in your life for the past six years, so work out what’s suddenly gone wrong and how you can potentially repair this relationship.
As you are fast approaching the infamous seven-year itch, then this may account for why you’ve found yourself on a mutual break. In your heart of hearts you are possibly feeling that your long-term relationship is about to come crashing down.
It’s best to utilise this enforced time out to find out who you are, what you want out of life and from a meaningful relationship.
A second date, if you remain on a break, is worth pursuing as long as you don’t go to any of those usual haunts that you’ve been to with your girlfriend.
As there’s a distance between you and this new interest, then it would be best to travel to her area for the second date and see how the journey is. Could you cope with a relatively long distance relationship? Most men won’t make the effort, whereas the fairer sex will, so if you really are keen then you will go there.
There’s a plethora of factors for you to consider about this lady who has grabbed your attention, but the initial action is to seal a second date and see how that goes before you can come to a calculated decision.
Don’t appear too eager with her and smother her, just let things develop slowly and on the date try to be mysterious — but let her realise your value to her. The less she knows about you the more likely you are that she’ll want a third date and beyond.
You mention that you aren’t a player, so don’t suddenly change into one because it’s never nice to play with anyone’s emotions. You should always be as loyal as a butcher’s dog. Don’t consider dating this new lady if your girlfriend is back on the scene.
Being smitten by this new lady, which has thrilled you and undoubtedly massaged your ego, is one thing but is this only short-term excitement?
The reality is that you have enjoyed a long-term relationship that until recently has been smooth sailing. It is advisable to try to improve your communication with your girlfriend if you want to go forward.
As you have doubts, and your head has been turned, then simply go on a second date with this new lady. See how it goes then you can evaluate whether she can ever find a place in your heart.
No doubt, after a massive slice of love and happiness over six years, your girlfriend remains firmly in your heart. A huge stumbling block, even if she calls time on your relationship during your break, will be letting her leave your everyday thoughts and being in your heart.
It’s often best to wait until you have healed from a break-up before you are emotionally ready to get involved with someone new. You don’t really want to bounce out of a long-term relationship and into a new one because you may find that you find this latest love interest attractive for the wrong reasons.
Men are visual creatures, so they will naturally be attracted to good-looking ladies. Getting attention from a lady for some men, especially those who aren’t blessed with good looks, can trigger a relationship developing but without the proper foundations to go the distance.
It’s best to work out, after a second date, who gets first prize from you in terms of a loving relationship and then take the appropriate actions to concentrate on just one lady romantically — or neither of these.
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