He Hasn’t Proposed After 7 Years & I’m Nearing 40! Please Help Me Love Doctor

Why not send former Kingston-resident Love Doctor your relationship queries? Use the form to submit your question(s).

Question:

I’ve been steady with my guy for almost seven years and we’ve lived in sin for half of those. He hasn’t asked me to marry him and I’m 40 this year.

I want a commitment. Should I dump him and get myself a real man who wants a life together or stay living in sin forever?

  

Kaira – Ocho Rios

Love Doctor MontiLove Doctor’s Answer

I believe that you have suddenly found yourself hitting what is deemed the ‘seven-year itch’, a sense of stagnation in a romantic relationship after seven years. You have hit a time when you are now considering whether you are on the same wavelength for the long term.

Don’t worry because this is normal, and it’s very easy for your relationship to tumble to the bottom of your respective priority lists. It doesn’t mean that he, like many men, is veering away from the fear factor of the C-word of commitment.

He has shown some long-term commitment by moving in together, although this may have been for a financial or logical reason rather than emotionally.

Although he obviously shows signs that he loves you with a seven-year relationship, are either of you really ready to take the next step of marriage? And if so what are the reasons for you both wishing to tie the knot?

Lockdown has had a two-pronged effect on romantic relationships, some couples are seeing flaws galore in their partner and splitting while those who are commitment-focused are embracing the rare opportunity to spend a lot of their time with their other half.

  

If your partner has been putting a lot of energy into your relationship then he may be ready for a long-term commitment, but this is leap year so he may be wanting you to pop the question.

As you don’t consider him to be a “real man” then investing your emotions and time into a relationship that probably has no future in your opinion, with respect to marriage, seems to be a waste of energy.

My advice is to dig deep to examine the status of your relationship, considering whether commitment and love go hand-in-hand.

If you discuss with him that ultimately you seek marriage then you’ll discover whether you two can live happily after or if it’s time to walk away from the relationship to find a man to marry as that seems to be your concept of what will make you happy.


Question:

Before lockdown and then the blanket of Sahara sand my man of two years was always on the beach chatting up tourists and arranging dates.

He’s been frustrated that he couldn’t see me during this time and he definitely couldn’t chat up tourists. But he’s told me that we are over because he has liked the peace and quiet of being alone. I think this is an excuse because the tourists are soon back in Negril and he fancies his chances with them.

I was extra nice to him during the time when we couldn’t see each other, then he repays me like this. I’m really upset because I don’t like being alone and searching for a replacement won’t be easy with the coronavirus pandemic.

My girlfriend’s all say forget him. I need your guidance because I want to be loved by a loyal, caring man.

Rose – Negril

Love Doctor’s Answer

  

It defies logic why you were ever together when you were fully aware that he was flirting and arranging dates, especially when you are seeking a loyal partner.

If he likes solitude, as he claims, then your galpals are spot on about forgetting him. There will obviously be a void left in your life from him. Yet during this unprecedented time you were not seeing each other anyway, so that at least softens the blow.

Your confidence has been dented, but you don’t need to desperately search for a replacement. It is better to be single than with the wrong partner, and hopefully you have learnt from your old flame’s flirty behaviour that you personally should not settle for being second best.

My advice is that firstly you need to know what you truly seeking out of a romantic relationship. You mention loyal and caring, so stick to your guns and ruthlessly eliminate people and/or situations that don’t meet your requirements for long-term happiness.

For your next boyfriend you shouldn’t compromise your core beliefs and values just to keep the partnership going. Otherwise you could be involved with someone that you don’t really love, but out of desperation end up as a couple by settling to be with virtually any man who shows an interest in you.

Finding that special someone to share your life with will become increasingly difficult until the coronavirus pandemic is banished, but people are increasingly insulated in their personal cocoons anyway. Try some reputable online dating apps to meet potential suitors, but firstly ask your galpals if they know of any single men that could be a match made in heaven.


Question:

I’m worried that I’m just one of a bunch of men chatting to a girl I recently met on Facebook during the lockdown, and I really like her.

We only began chatting after she used a care emoji on my Facebook profile photo, which prompted me to message her, and we’ve been in touch since the start of June.

We only chat online and send selfies, but we haven’t arranged to meet in person. Although we are both in our 30s I’m scared to ask her if I’m the only one she is being so nice to because I’m terrified of her potential answer being no.

I’ve noticed that her Facebook friends aren’t visible, so my fear is that she may be hiding tons of men.

  

Her good looks are not the attraction, the attention I get is. We live over 200km apart as she is in Westmoreland, do you think that a 3.5-hour drive is a major problem if we meet and really like each other?

Earl – Kingston 6

Love Doctor’s Answer

All social media platforms can be great opportunities to chat up people from a distance, and since the coronavirus pandemic lockdown I endlessly hear of people ditching dating apps with the same pool of singletons to try their luck on Facebook and Instagram.

You are absolutely right to be concerned that this lady is perhaps chatting to other single men, especially as her Facebook friends are set to privacy mode. It is not unreasonable to ask her if you are the only one she is flirting with. If you were in a bar together you wouldn’t expect her to work her way around the room to chat up other men.

Ladies tend to like men who are forthright and to the point rather than being wishy-washy, and if she genuinely likes you will be flattered that you are showing the early signs of the green-eyed monster of jealously.

You really don’t need to waste your time and energy worrying about her potential response, seize the moment so you can clarify where you stand by asking her “Just a simple question, am I the only man that you are flirting with because I’m sensing a real connection between us?”

Living such a long distance apart will only be an initial problem in terms of physically seeing each other, but with modern technology you can video-call each other and have dinner dates. Distance is not so much of a barrier to a romantic relationship, and if you can both find agreed time slots to spend with each other outside your respective lifestyles then you can blossom as a couple. If you both have the desire to live nearer, this is a matter for you two to discuss as your relationship develops.

On the other hand, should you discover that you are indeed one of many men that this lady is flirting online with you have two choices – continue to chat or drop her like a hot stone.

If you continue to chat then you have to consider whether you will suffer any anguish or jealously, maybe you can devise a plan to slowly woo her. Yet if you decide to end the communication, then you will probably have withdrawal symptoms as this lady is giving you the attention you crave during these difficult times. I suggest that you find a replacement to fill the void of chatting with her, such as learning a new skill like magic tricks or a try a new language like Spanish that will be useful for future Caribbean trips.

  

My overall advice, if you both wish to move forward romantically, is that to grow as a couple you should share what’s going on all day. Show that you care by ensuring that you regularly call and message each other during the day rather than wait for a single cellphone call at the end of the day, when you could both be exhausted.

Absence really can make the heart grow fonder, especially if you both decide to make each other part of your daily life.

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