Why not send former Kingston-resident Love Doctor your relationship queries? Use the form to submit your question(s).
I have just been dumped for some silly and superficial reasons.
Should I ask him to give our relationship another go, or am I best to lick my wounds and start dating asap?
Love Doctor’s Answer:
Unfortunately many relationships rely on being together on a superficial basis in this day and age. This happens more with men, as they are visual creatures, than ladies.
Regardless, it is shameful of any person to break up for this reason. I understand that it is must be extremely frustrating and hurtful for you. However, on the plus side this is definitely a lucky escape for you.
My advice is to move forward and eventually find a man who is not so shallow. Love often strikes when you least expect it, especially when you are not looking.
That is easier said than done because you probably did not expect this relationship coming to a end, so will be feeling angry and upset.
An aching heart is not ideal to immediately kick off a new romance, otherwise that may end up being a foolish and doomed rebound relationship.
Looks will always fade in time, whereas character will not. So this man’s character is a real let down for you, but at least you were not married so have got out of this partnership before he could potentially hurt you even more.
Relationship went off the rails
To move on you need a bit of time to drop the anger and find closure, because your relationship went off the rails for whatever reason. You can do better next time, but only once you have dusted yourself down and are ready to bounce back onto the dating scene.
There will definitely be someone far superior to your former partner. Do not rush things, be patient and wait until you are ready to date again. I urge you to ensure that the next suitor is a better match, so on your first couple of dates quiz him why his previous relationships ended.
Don’t gamble next time, try to find a common denominator that will keep you together. Ensure that he has the same long-term romantic ambitions, because you do not want the next romance to turn sour like this last one.
There is work to do on you, so yes you need to lick your wounds but you have to seek closure as soon as possible. To do that I suggest that you attempt, when you are ready, to arrange a frank chat with your ex as you want him to disclose the reasons for ending this relationship.
I hope that you can seize the moment and keep faith in yourself, as this unfortunate experience will have dented your confidence. One day you will realise this was a blessing in disguise because you can do so much better next time.
You can either analyse why the break up happened but remain baffled, or find out exactly why from him.
Cut off all contact
Once you have these answers you will be able to focus on the future. It is very important that you cut off all contact from this man. He is not worthy of your friendship despite all the marvellous times you experienced together.
Trying to repair the relationship is certainly not a good idea. Even if you got back together then there is every likelihood for this horrendous outcome to happen again.
You are much better off waiting to find someone worthy of your love and devotion, as it certainly sounds that this man was not.
Building a new relationship can occur when you are emotionally ready. This can be extremely challenging as it sounds as though you truly loved this man, because you were willing to try to mend things.
Change is the only constant in our lives, so you should learn from this break up and ensure it does not happen again.
It is worth asking close friends what they really thought of your ex. When he was with you it was unlikely that they would have said anything bad as they saw you happy and did not want to rock the boat.
Time is the only healer
Rejection in a relationship is tricky, as your emotions are all over the place. Time is the only healer in life. You need time to grieve this loss, and in time can move on.
Letting go of the past is never going to be easy, especially as you are the injured party and feel that you been wronged by being dumped for superficial reasons.
Do not rush straight into a new romance is my advice, especially if you discover that he is now dating someone new.
Instead channel your pain and sadness into a new hobby, ideally something that involves exercise that will release endorphins to lift your mood and spirits. Most new members at a gym have just come out of a seemingly loving relationship, so it should be jam-packed with singletons who have also suffered. You may even meet your next beau there.
For your own sanity, and indeed dignity, it is pretty pointless trying to persuade your ex to reconsider.
Focus on the future
Trying to rebuild a relationship with someone who does not want you in their life stinks of desperation, and ultimately will affect your self esteem if you try to persuade them. You are better than that, and for your own self worth need to focus on the future without this man.
There is no living happily ever after for most couples, as much as we often try to hang onto a relationship that is fading.
One thing that COVID-19 has taught us is that people come and go in our lives for whatever reason. As one door shuts, another one opens.
It may not have been your choice, but in the near future you will reflect that this break up is for the best.
Instead of reflecting on this broken relationship you must 100% let go of the past to concentrate on your new-found freedom. Your rebuilding mission is to repair your heartache and, once ready, you will be able to embrace a much better relationship.
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