Why not send former Kingston-resident Love Doctor your relationship queries? Use the form to submit your question(s).
How long will it take me to get over my ex-wife that I split up with in 2018?
She broke my heart when she decided to end it, after almost a decade of being married.
What should I do next to get my love life back on track?
Hough – St Andrew
Losing your wife, who was your confidante and ultimately best friend for 10 years, has been a bitter blow as it has really rocked you.
However, you should follow the old Jamaican adage of ‘Focus on the future’ rather than dwell in the past.
Her desire, devotion and love is in the past. My advice is to fondly treasure those moments but decide what will make you happy. Are you ready for a full-on relationship or do you still need more time for your broken heart to heal, or worse still do you feel so betrayed that you cannot yet trust another lady to come into your life?
Assuming that during your marriage you enjoyed a romantic relationship, then her loss from your life overall will be similar to the way you would grieve her death.
This means that you will have experienced the denial of your split and been angry that she no longer wanted you in her life.
You have now accepted that you have gone your separate ways, which is a positive step as you are not holding onto the hope that you can repair the broken down relationship breakdown.
Time is the only healer, and tends to take three years to really get over an unexpected relationship split. But with the lockdown life because of the ongoing coronavirus crisis, you have probably suffered loneliness and been having lots of thoughts about the past.
My advice is to grasp this time to re-evaluate your romantic life and begin to convince yourself that you are a catch for the right lady.
From your question there does not sound like any anger nor resentment, which is excellent news for you to focus on how to start your next relationship.
Concentrate on your long-term perspectives and romantic prospects by working out what you actually offer a potential new lady in your life. And be honest with yourself, as to whether you desire just some flirting fun or an intense long-term relationship next time.
Just because your marriage has broken down, yet for almost a decade together it worked, does not mean that you should dismiss enjoying a romantic relationship if you are ready.
However, it seems that you are currently emotionally needy, which means that it will be very easy for you to get hooked by unsuitable ladies.
When seeking a suitress then look beyond the animal magnetism of physical attraction and instead consider her background, character and values.
Tread carefully as there so many sorts of ladies to swerve, like those with past issues such as alcohol, anger, drugs, finances, gambling etc.
Here’s the categories I suggest that you avoid:
The cheater | Although she is honest enough to admit that she cheated in the past, whatever her reasons were there remains a strong possibility that history could repeat itself – and you really don’t wish to hear her latest excuses for breaking your heart. A tell-tale sign of someone who is cheating is the reverse psychology of making accusations that you are cheating.
The mismatch | You are attracted to her through her physical beauty alone, not because of her character and values. This is when logical thoughts are out of the window and as a man you only have a one-track mind. Short-term gratification will end in jealousy, with other men eyeing her up, and eventually leaving you in tears despite the fact that deep down you had nothing in common.
The money hound/gold digger | Easy to spot in a crowd as they tend to bling it up and undergo cosmetic procedures as the exterior is all that counts. They possess superficial desires, where their priority is to be lavished with expensive gifts and wine ‘n’ dined in luxury. Short-term fun can be experienced, as long as your wallet is full and you are prepared to fall off cloud nine with a bang.
The rebound hunter | Fresh from a serious relationship, these will be so loving and caring to you at the beginning that you are likely to be easily bowled over. However, behind that facade of her super eagerness to make you two work lies the hurtful truth that you are being played like a game of dominoes. She is desperate to get her previous partner back, and you are only being used to make him jealous as well as make her feel better about herself on a short-term basis.
The self-centred lady | With chips on her shoulder and always unappreciative, these ladies are damaged goods so will rarely hand you a compliment however much you do for them. You will always upset them and never live up to their expectations, as they will often act as though they don’t give two hoots about you. As they lack any real self-esteem, they tend to like to shoot you down at any opportunity and show a jealous streak if you achieve something.
You will find many of these types of ladies flooding the online dating sites, so try to steer clear of these women.
If you have not yet dipped your toe into the pools of digital dating be aware that the perils and pitfalls are more than just fake profiles. You need plenty of time to chat with ladies as they tend to be inundated with male attention – get a plan sorted to ensure that you need to stand-out from the crowd.
Beware of ladies who use the sites to fine-tune their flirting skills yet never wish to date, as they will get your hopes up then disappoint you. And avoid the rarer sort of woman who is only interested in how many nights out they can experience with a gullible man who constantly foots the bill.
Remember that dating websites are not the real world, so there’s no opportunity to read body language.
Here’s some advice about venturing into online dating: https://jablogz.com/2021/01/are-dating-sites-my-best-bet-to-find-a-potential-partner-help-me-love-doctor/
You have gone through your grieving and it appears that you are feeling ready for another romance. Well done for not racing into a new relationship, as some people do and then get involved too soon that it becomes a meaningless mess.
Now that you feel ready to get back out there then the most important rule is to be realistic with the ladies, so don’t go for those out of your league in terms of looks, finances and background/interests.
Many people have a specific type of partner. I suggest that you speak to family and friends about what they thought of you being with your ex-wife and ask them directly what sort of lady they envisage you with next.
Often such conversations get others wishing to play matchmaker, so you could find your dream lady much easier than you imagined.
You only need to dust down your hurt pride and build up some confidence before you get out there for some big time flirting. Dress age appropriately, avoid overdoing the bling and grab a wingman or two to get you back into the love arena.
I recommend my step-by-step plan to make yourself look and feel more attractive at: https://jablogz.com/2021/03/how-do-i-attract-a-better-looking-potential-partner-help-me-love-doctor
Socialising across the island will soon return, and armed with your new-found confidence and chat-up lines then you can meet ladies in a plethora of places.
Just ensure that you avoid any places where you could potentially bump into your ex-wife, as you know each other’s daily/weekly movements before the COVID-19 pandemic. If you do bump into her you must be the gentleman by wishing her the very best and suggesting that one day you would like to be friends.
Ensure that you keep your new-found confidence bubbling, and that you maintain an appearance to keep you feeling happy as well as working wonders in attracting the right sort of ladies that you could be be interested in being romantically involved with.
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