Is This Affair More Than A Game For Us Both?
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Question:
I’m married with two small children, and met a new guy via an online game where people interact.
It started off as flirting and has become physical. I feel like a new woman, especially after losing a lot of love and feelings for my husband.
I’m confused about the situation and urgently need some advice.
D, Negril
Love Doctor’s Answer:
Online flirting is a dangerous game, because it’s easy to appear as someone that we aren’t. However, you have taken the bait and made this encounter physical.
This sounds like it’s just the early throes of the rush of excitement, which are an escape from your chores of being a mother and wife.
Yet this is only a short-term scenario, because it is not the reality of day-to-day living. It is similar to going on vacation, which is not the same as daily life.
You’ve had your head turned, so obviously your interest and feelings for your husband have waned. Yet you could discover that you are just one of many ladies involved with this man, there are lots of warning signs to look out for.
So much depends on what is making you happy. Be aware that it will eventually fizzle out if it’s just sex, once it has run its course. There’s no real respect from him if this new relationship is solely built on lust.
FUN ‘N’ FROLICS
You are simply seizing the opportunity to get some much-needed excitement back into your life, although this new man is probably very content just meeting up for fun ‘n’ frolics.
These part-time shenanigans of escape mean that you are cheating on your husband. There’s no real future, because you can never be fully trusted by this man.
He hasn’t got many morals as he’s knowingly involved with a married lady. It’s a fanciful affair that has very little chance of success, unless he is aiming to commit and settle down with you.
You both need to devise future plans as a couple if this could turn into something serious. Yet that’s highly likely to completely scare him off, and he will probably just move onto the next lady he can find for sex.
It sounds like you wish to entertain getting emotionally involved, but in all probability he won’t. That means this romance is doomed, especially with lies and deceit already in the mix.
ADD INGREDIENTS
Without the three essential ingredients of mutual commitment, respect and trust you are in real trouble. It is impossible to build the foundations for a meaningful romantic relationship that can go the distance.
I suggest that you evaluate the liaison the next time you meet. I urge you to both write down an impromptu list of the five best things about each other to explore the mindset.
If there are references to looks and sex, without at least three mentions about character, then this is going nowhere long-term. You need to have a serious think about the short-term future.
If there’s signs of a promising future together, and you both feel this is the real deal after a year, then you can start working out the direction of the relationship.
CHEAP THRILLS
An escape from being a mother and wife has thrilled you. If this romance appears to be ill-fated, I would prompt you to open up the channels of communication with your husband as you maintain some love and feelings for him.
To get engaged is a huge step, and to marry is a major hurdle that many people fail to overcome for a plethora of reasons. You have achieved both because you felt suitably loved and appreciated that he’s a good man.
As your marriage has gone stale, you both need to put more sizzle and enthusiasm into it. Ideally take a romantic break without the children to do something different, concentrate on the two of you and start communicating properly.
A short two-night break is required to sort out your relationship. This could be the start of something beautiful, or you may discover that it is never going to work and are best to part on amicable terms.
SEXUAL BEINGS
Relationships are complex for numerous reasons such as our previous romantic experiences, the desire to be loved and because we are sexual beings.
Your affair is filling the seemingly obvious void in your married life of being intimate. A romantic break should resolve that dilemma.
With children and work taking up valuable hours, but time is an invaluable commodity as a couple. You and your husband are obviously not spending enough quality time together, which can be frustrating and result in moodiness if you are soulmates.
Following your vacation, when you should have got the ball rolling by discussing your aspirations and goals, try to maintain the momentum by arranging a babysitter at least once a week.
Variety is the spice of life. Drum up some excitement to get your romantic relationship back on track by doing something different from visiting a bar or restaurant.
PHYSICAL TOUCH
I advise you to try out new things for a weekly date night, ideally something that involves physical touch to start rebuilding the sexual tension between you. Dancing, ten-pin bowling or maybe even a dance class are good starting points.
The rest of the week there should be thoughtful and genuine gestures introduced by both of you. These can be little gifts or something unselfish like breakfast in bed or running a bath and lighting up scented candles.
Being able to show devotion, compromising and having solid communication are essential between loving couples. You need to ensure these ingredients are the recipe for success between you and your husband.
Affairs deliver short-term happiness, but are wrong for numerous reasons. Whereas putting the effort into making a loving marriage work is right, and offers long-term joy and satisfaction.
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