Can I Make a U-Turn to Forget a Painful Past?

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Love Doctor Monti is academically trained in interpersonal relationships, partnership intimacy and psychologically.

Question:

It’s fast approaching three years since I walked out on my guy. I’ve never had a temporary replacement for him because I can’t imagine kissing any other man.

We live miles apart and since the split there’s been no communication. I check his social media once a month, and there are no posts of him with another woman.

I’ve yet to get over him and I still love him. I often wear the necklace he gave me on our first date, and my mind goes back to our good times. What do you recommend that I should do?

R, St. Andrew

Love Doctor’s Answer:

The three-year mark of your break-up is a milestone moment, because generally we get over failed relationships within 36 months. However, this figure does not apply to every romantic relationship and can last forever if the reason for your split could have been prevented and you were soulmates.

Unfortunately for you time has not been the healer you were hoping it would be, which could be down to still being angry with yourself and overloading your emotions. Although a huge factor is that you remain in love with him, and only recall those good times together.

Although you state that you haven’t dated after going your separate ways, this may not just be the fact that you are still deeply in love with him. Reasons that spring to mind are the fear factor of ultimately being rejected and feeling guilt stricken.

Your burden of regret for leaving him are taking an emotional and mental toil on you because you never experienced closure. You didn’t reveal the reason for ending the romance, but something terrible must have triggered your exit.
 
Despite regularly checking on his relationship status, and deliberately staying single, you’ve done nothing about this for years. You’re totally wasting time by not reaching out to him, and your main obstacle is trust.

He trusted you before the break-up and you must rebuild his trust otherwise this relationship is doomed. Recreating what you previously had may seem like the ideal solution, but the fact of the matter is the abrupt ending has made you both sad and unable to enter a new romantic relationship.

If you wish to start a completely new chapter as a couple then you both must agree to pressing the reset button.

You must gradually show him that you can be trusted and are ready to love him once more. An apology and explanation in person need to be the starting point, when you have the opportunity to read his body language and also measure your feelings for him.

DETERRED FROM DATING
The guilt you’ve been carrying around over the years has made you emotionally unavailable, which ultimately put you off dating. It’s crucial to start feeling better about yourself because if you can’t love you then how do you expect anyone else to?

Start by giving yourself a makeover to become the very best version you can be, both mentally and physically. Alter your diet by eating healthier, do more exercise to get the feel-good factor through endorphins and go for an appearance upgrade (such as accessories, clothing, footwear, makeup and consider changing your hairstyle).

You should also look at your lifestyle, is it too much of a set routine? If so then start to live a little and be more adventurous. Most importantly, have something to look forward to. Life can be a chore if there’s not something in your diary that truly excites you, such as a vacation.

It would prove to be a perfect scenario if you could just arrange to meet your former boyfriend, find that the fireworks remain and organise a vacation where you could enter chapter two of your romantic relationship.

However, you’ve got to convince him that a rendezvous would prove beneficial to both of you. The onus is on you to be brave by calling him, only a message is a bit lame, to ask to meet in person but for you to be willing to travel to him.

2-1 PSYCHOLOGY TIP
Follow my tried and trusted 2-1 psychology trick. This is when you’ll give him two positive sentences about him, before going for the kill by suggesting a catch-up in his town. It’s vital to avoid using the word “I” for this scenario to work, and to ensure that your question does not require a simple yes or no response.

Once you can organise seeing each other after all of this time then ensure that you turn up as the same lady that he loved, rather than undertaking a makeover that renders you unrecognisable. He will no doubt be delighted if you sport the necklace that he gave you on your first date.

Update your WhatsApp profile photo before contacting him. I urge you to make it full-length with no clothes that he would recognise, no car, no hat, no pets or other people and no sunglasses.

As you’ve both lost the momentum of regular contact, be prepared for the remote chance of zero chemistry between you. Frequently when couples yearn to get back together it is because they are seeing their former partner through rose-tinted glasses, until they meet face-to-face and decide against a second shot.

He may have been traumatised by your exit, and not prepared to give it a second bite at the cherry. If this is the case then at least you are meeting up for closure, which could trigger you to shed the unwanted emotional and mental burden you’ve been carrying around for years.

COMMUNICATION MATTERS
On the other hand, if he’s receptive about rekindling the relationship then it’s crucial to reopen your channels of communication. As you live a fair distance from each other, organise regular calls to talk about everyday stuff and goals as well as regularly meeting up.

It’s actually good that you have some space from each other by being miles apart, because you need to both take your time to gradually build up a meaningful relationship.

If the sparks remain after a month, then you could suggest injecting a short-term fix of taking a vacation. Ideally discuss a few places that you both know, or better still have been away together before, but ensure it’s a joint decision.

A break will help you see each other on a daily basis and allow you time to discuss future aspirations on top of the long-awaited return of passion. This trip will be a great indicator of whether you two wish to spend time together or it’s merely a beautiful form of closure.

As well as passion and being able to compromise, essential ingredients to make your partnership loving and compatible include mutual commitment, respect and trust.

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