Spite Dating Has Backfired And Left Me Unfulfilled

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Question:

I’ve found myself stuck in an unwanted relationship, which is totally my fault.

I recently made contact with my ex-boyfriend, and we were slowly rebuilding our failed romance. He went on vacation and met someone, much younger and prettier than me.

My kneejerk reaction was to show him what he was missing by rejecting me. I immediately returned to online dating with the promise of love at first swipe. As I didn’t get much attention because I’m not photogenic, I opted for the first man that wanted to get intimate.

It had been a two-year wait before bedroom action. This new guy doesn’t compare to my former boyfriend in any department, and he only has a one-track mind.

We meet every weekend, but it’s completely unfulfilling and I desperately want to reach out again to my ex-boyfriend. How do I break things off gently with this new guy and grab the attention of my former crush?

R, Westmoreland

Love Doctor’s Answer:

Your fear of being rejected by your ex-partner’s behaviour obviously triggered you to seek defensive jealousy. The fact that your former love interest met someone else, who from your description sounds like an upgrade on you, is a massive barrier.

Although your desire is to try and rekindle your former relationship, if he’s ensconced with his latest lady then you will have to play the waiting game or admit defeat.

The fact that you were gradually rebuilding what you had with your ex-boyfriend bodes well, except that you have both recently moved on.

You clearly are dissatisfied by your boyfriend, because he’s not making you feel special and doesn’t sound as though he values you. Many men only use online dating to add another notch to their bedpost and nothing else, which sounds like your scenario.

EXCITEMENT EVAPORATES
As he only has one interest in you, then after a while the excitement of intimacy will wear off and he’ll be back online seeking a new woman to satisfy his needs. He seems to be in a vicious circle, because this sort of behaviour is no better than choosing to have a friend with benefits.

You went along with this to begin with, but now realise that the bedroom action was not the sort of fun you ultimately crave. It appears that you desire a full-on romantic relationship from the way you have worded your dilemma.

This means that you are clearly wasting your time with this latest man. You can either just wait for this purely sexual relationship to run its course or halt it.

He will soon realise that you are not enthralled by the intimacy and then is likely to make an unceremonious exit. Be prepared for that situation, rather than suddenly be shocked that you have your weekends free.

FORCING HIS HAND
If you wish to not hurt you latest man then you’ve got a couple of options that should work wonders.

You can make excuses to see him for back-to-back weekends and see if he decides to end things. He sounds needy, so is bound to revert back to online dating should you not be with him and he’s feeling neglected.

Alternatively, you can mention a string of former boyfriends during the weekend. For example tell this man he is wearing the same aftershave/cap/footwear/watch etc as your last boyfriend. And when you eat say that whatever you have was an ex-boyfriend’s favourite meal/pudding.

The third strike could be the final nail in the coffin, as you must bring up about going away together. Everywhere he suggests you must ensure that you say you love that place because you went with an ex-boyfriend and experienced a terrific time.

Meanwhile, you should start monitoring your former love interest’s social media, and ask mutual friends, about his latest romance. You can even boldly message him to see how he is.

PSYCHOLOGY TRICK
If you decide to contact your ex-boyfriend, follow my 2-1 psychology trick by avoiding the usage of the word I and by giving him compliments in the first two sentences followed by asking him directly how his latest romance is panning out. Ensure that you don’t offer a yes or no response from him.

The ball is in his court to respond, and you can gauge from his reply whether you could suddenly be back in the picture.

You must be positive and supportive he’s still dating his latest crush, because no one like jealousy. Don’t let him know that you still carry a torch for him via text, save that for face-to-face.

On the other hand, if his romance has evaporated then you can suggest meeting up to your former beau.

PATIENT APPROACH
Should you manage to arrange a rendezvous, even if the chemistry between you remains, be aware that moving forward as a couple is likely to be a very slow process.

However, be realistic. You mentioned that your ex-boyfriend’s latest love interest was good looking and younger than you. Men are visual creatures, so you must present the best version of yourself when you met but not to the extent that he barely recognises you.

The focus is on rebuilding mutual respect and trust, followed by commitment down the line. Your ultimate aim is to become a compatible couple again.

You didn’t mention why you split from your former boyfriend. Only if there was a valid reason and you both believe that you are soulmates is it worth giving your romance a second shot.

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