You Can’t Wrap Your Arms Around A Memory

If you fancy sending your romantic relationship dilemma to former Kingston resident Love Doctor Monti, author of Journey To Find The Perfect Partner Forever, submit your question via our form.

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Question:

It’s time for reflection now, after one year since my relationship came crashing down. He fulfilled me, encouraged me and gave me confidence. But I still walked out in a rage of jealously when I got the wrong end of the stick.

I’m missing the warmth of his company and being deeply in love. Since hitting the one-year mark of our split, I have to dry my tears each evening. What should I do?

T, St. Thomas

Love Doctor’s Answer:

It sounds like you suffered a painful year out of a meaningful romantic relationship after the green-eyed monster prompted your hasty exit. The recent one-year anniversary of your break-up has triggered a plethora of thoughts, which includes you feeling guilty.

Although you admit that you jumped the gun, this broken romance can get back on track if you both believe that you were genuine soulmates. You’ll just have to reach out to test the waters, then build up the momentum so that it’s smooth sailing from now on.

It’s tricky to stomach when a relationship comes to a suddenly halt, but you need to show some empathy towards your ex-boyfriend as he didn’t warrant you leaving him.

Admitting that you were wrong to end the romance, after being consumed by jealously, is a positive step towards possibly repairing the damage caused. This was defensive jealousy because you felt threatened by another lady.

By acting out of jealousy was your protective mechanism for self-preservation, which could have included your fear of abandonment, insecurity or trust issues.

Barriers to getting the relationship back on track include whether he can forgive you for your misinterpretation of events that led to the split, and of course whether he has moved on romantically.

REBOUND RELATIONSHIP
As he didn’t do anything untoward then you will have damaged his self-esteem, which could have propelled him into a rebound relationship of dating virtually anyone to get the feel-good factor back in his life. Usually a rebound relationship is a short-term solution, although the couple can fall madly in love over time.

On the subject of time, which is the only healer to mend your broken heart, it could potentially take three years unless you do something about it.

I urge you to take the bull by the horns and apologise to your ex-boyfriend in person. But before then you should explore whether your fit of jealousy was down to fear or your deep-rooted love for this man.

You sound emotionally unavailable following this episode, maybe through the guilt of getting it so wrong. Understandably you are wary about entering another intimate relationship until you feel better about yourself. That doesn’t mean you should only consider ever dating your ex-boyfriend.

However, you praise him to the hilt and it sounds like this was an extra special romance. Whether you wish to roll back time to hit the reset button, or eradicate your guilt, you have to be the one to get the ball rolling in respect of opening up the channels of communication.

OLIVE BRANCH
It’s no use sending him messages that state you miss him or love him as these are going to be largely ineffective, despite your mentioning that you were deeply in love. Your best step is to lay down an olive branch to try and build up trustworthiness.

I suggest you send him a small yet meaningful gift to his workplace or home with a brief message of “Trust all’s well, been thinking about you. Would be terrific for us to catch up soon. T x”.

Then you’ll have to play the waiting game. He could respond immediately, wait for the weekend or choose to ignore you.

As so many people check out the latest WhatsApp photo before messaging any potential love interests, I advise you to include an up-to-date full-length image. Follow the rules – just you, no clothes he would recognise, no car, no hat and no sunglasses.

Men are highly visual creatures, so ensure you look so unbelievably hot that he will be pinching himself that you got in touch.

CLOSURE RENDEZVOUS
Be prepared for him to shut you out of his life, which if he does means that in a few weeks’ time you’ll have to explain to him that you believe it’s crucial to meet up for closure.

This is difficult as you won’t really want to admit defeat as you love this man. Be the better person by conveying that you’ll always treasure the memories you created, but deep down you realise another bite at the cherry would not work.

If he’s dismissive of you then lick your wounds and wait until you are emotional available before dating again. I suggest you ensure all photos of you with this ex-boyfriend come off your phone, so that they don’t fuel memories to make you sad.

Rather than pretend there wasn’t any fun, it’s best to buy a photo album and print off some photos to give your ex-boyfriend at closure. Don’t do this until you are about to leave, because you don’t want to start crying. Should he refuse to meet, send this photo album to him but without a message.

Also get any photos of your romantic adventure that you like printed, then put them away in an envelope for you to revisit one day when you feel much more contented with life.

IMPROVE YOUR LIFE
In the meantime concentrate on improving your health, mind and social life to get your confidence back. You will discover that by eating wasabi is amazing at almost instantly lifting your spirits, because bursting into tears about the past is not good for you.

Keep yourself busy and focus on the future. When you get the feel-good factor back you’ll naturally attract the right sort of attention.

On the other hand, if you meet up with open minds the aim is to try and establish is whether you grow to be a compatible couple again. He sounds as though he respects you, following your high praise, but even if the sparks remain then he still needs reassurance from you.

You are seeking short-term fix that could lead to long-term happiness. Jealousy won’t just vanish should you get back together, but there’s a big difference between acting jealous and feeling jealous.

Once you manage to reopen the channels of communication, you can patiently build up a loving relationship with compromise, mutual commitment and trust.

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