Should I Date Again After Heartache?
Why not send former Kingston-resident Love Doctor Monti, the author of Journey To Find The Perfect Partner Forever, your relationship queries? Use our form to submit your question or send an email.
Question:
My long-term relationship ended in August, which has really knocked my confidence. I’ve decided to stay single ever since.
At a new year’s eve party I met a great looking gal. She had a few drinks and, after chatting for 40 minutes, she asked me out. I thought nothing of it at the time, but she’s now hounding me for a date.
My close friends think I’m being stupid because I’m not ready to date, even though this woman ticks all of my boxes.
I don’t want to face the same sort of heartache like last time if the romance crashes. What’s your advice going forward?
K, Kingston
Love Doctor’s Answer:
At least one party will find their heart broken when a long-lasting loving relationship comes crashing down. This has happened to you, and obviously been an ordeal. How you handle the comeback after the setback will show a lot about your character.
Obviously you miss your ex-girlfriend, and at times every moment will have lost its meaning. Time is the only true healer, and you are currently going through the anguish that is very similar to grieving when someone dies.
The reality is that you are not emotionally available to embark on a meaningful romance. Many people rush into another relationship following a big split, which is often a rebound and consequently will only last up to a year before realising it was a mistake.
PERFECT PARTNER
Others have a need to be loved, so they will simply enter a relationship because of their own insecurities after a break-up. That means they will date virtually anyone who’s single and shows interest, rather than trying to find the perfect partner.
It was a terrific idea to enter the festive spirit and attend a new year’s eve party, rather than stay at home and lick your wounds. So it appears that you are not suffering from self pity.
The fact that an attractive lady has shown great interest will have lifted your self-esteem, and is the foundation for your happy future. It means that you have still got it.
ROMANTIC TURMOIL
You don’t need to worry about what your friends think in this scenario, although they are probably looking out for you and want to see you happy following the romantic turmoil you’ve been through.
As a gentleman, you need to address this situation of being chased. You shouldn’t just give her the brush off, or worse still ignore her. Usually the lady chases just 30%, unless she’s super keen like your scenario. The thrill of the chase could be the reason why she’s “hounding” you.
If you upset this lady who’s seemingly super keen to date you, then one day this could come back to bite you as one day your paths could cross. She could turn out to be a friend of your future girlfriend, and you wouldn’t want her to run you down.
SOUL SEARCHING
I suggest that you be honest and direct with this lady by explaining that you’re not ready to dive into a romance. Explain that you’ve got a lot of soul searching before you will embark on dating, because you haven’t yet got your ex-girlfriend off your mind or out of your heart.
You’ll most likely be offered the opportunity to meet up as friends, and pour out your heart, if this lady remains determined. Obviously you can approach spending time with her as friends only, which could eventually develop into something meaningful and out of the friend zone.
It’s a bit of a gamble for you whether or not you wish to spend time with someone who finds you devilishly attractive. It all depends on your self-control and how you can deal with temptation.
MAN-EATER
I would urge you to undertake some research about this lady, to find out if she’s a bit of a man-eater or is someone who’s genuine when it comes to relationships. If she’s a man-eater then she will be determined to date you and then spit you out, leaving your heart once again in tatters.
Only when you have the relevant information can you start communicating with his lady. The best way forward is to set up a rendezvous as friends, if you discover that she’s got a heart of gold and has been loyal to her previous boyfriends.
Although she might state that she’s happy to listen to you about your previous relationship, trust me she won’t really wish to hear about what happened apart from a succinct snippet. She’s just being polite, and it’s a way to virtually guarantee meeting you face-to-face.
FUTURE PARTNER
Don’t expect her to willingly chat about how heartbroken you are, and you really don’t want to come across as vulnerable. Definitely avoid saying anything disrespectful about your ex-girlfriend, because that is both impolite and will put off any potential future partner.
You should find close friends or family as a shoulder to cry on if necessary, or even consider seeing a therapist if the loss of your long-term relationship has been truly traumatic.
Generally speaking it takes three years to get over a meaningful romance where you believed that you were soul mates. It doesn’t mean that you need to wait for this length of time before you have another relationship. In the meantime you should approach future romances as fun and frolics rather than a serious relationship.
CUPID’S ARROW
However, that’s only a guideline to protect you until you are emotionally available. It’s not a hard and fast rule, because Cupid’s arrow can strike at any time and leave you bowled over.
Having an attractive female that you can chat to, remember to swerve speaking about your ex-girlfriend because that’s history and you must focus on the future, will boost your confidence. You need to offer her some value too, so try showing interest in her past, her hobbies and aspirations.
If you can slowly build up a rapport, find some similar interests and have the same sort of goals then there’s no reason that these cannot be the foundations for a romance. As long as she’s a genuine upgrade overall of your former flame.
BUILD TRUST
You state that she ticks all of the boxes as future girlfriend material, but that it’s you having trepidation. Gradually building up the trust over six months with this lady will be far better than rushing into a relationship that could quickly crash and burn.
It appears that you’ve been fortunate to land on your feet with this lady’s interest, and she could swiftly fill your current void of being alone.
Should she turn out to be the wrong type of lady for you, and you don’t have a rendezvous, then you need to invest some money and time into giving yourself a bit of a makeover. This way you’ll feel and look different, and then won’t be simply having any lady to replace your previous partner.
MOVE FORWARDS
You will always have treasured moments from your former girlfriend, but you need to evolve and move forwards. You must find in your heart and head the drive to embark on a meaningful relationship.
It’s best to try distracting yourself, like you did by going to the new year’s eve party, from thinking about your former flame. Try exploring new hobbies, or involving yourself in sport or travel. This way you’ll meet new people, which offers you a chance to improve your interpersonal skills and boost your inner confidence.
Ladies are attracted to men with confidence, so you’ll soon have plenty of interest. This way you can embark on another serious romance when you feel emotionally ready.