Why not send former Kingston-resident Love Doctor your relationship queries? Use the form to submit your question(s).
I met an amazing man at work and we became close friends. Because he was going through a separation with his partner he explained that he did not want to be with me romantically.
I have kept in communication because I want his friendship, but he has been very cold towards me over the past six months and now asked for space. Do I need to walk away or can I salvage this relationship because to me he is the love of my life?
Ash, Bristol, Trelawny
Love Doctor’s Answer:
To be the real love of your life means that you are in a meaningful partnership, which amounts to both a romantic relationship and a solid friendship.
From the information you have relayed you are clearly not a couple, as you do not enjoy mutual attraction with this “amazing man” that you met at work.
Your flirting behind the hidden agenda of friendship sadly never obtained the results you desired of becoming more than friends, so treat this as a learning curve instead of chasing him like you are infatuated.
He has continuously pushed you away, initially as a potential romantic partner that you claim was because of his circumstances, and for the past six months as it appears that his attraction for you does not exist.
It really does sound like you are hitting your head against a brick wall. My advice is that you need to have just one more throw of the dice by revealing your cards and explaining that you have romantic feelings towards him. At least you can then move forwards rather than wasting any more time.
As he asked you for some space, and spent the past six months not being as friendly as you would like, then the odds are high that he has another romantic interest. If he chooses to ignore you still then I urge you to call time on him and instead focus on a man who could appreciate you. One-way relationships will never blossom.
To be frank you will appear needy and desperate, meaning that he will never fully respect you, if you persist in trying to strike up a friendship or more. Once the respect is absent from a relationship then it is doomed.
Yet should he succumb to your charms and decide that there could be a romantic relationship then please ensure you do not simply become his sexual partner only, because the mind requires simulation too if you are to genuinely grow as a couple.
My advice is that if you can garner his attention then you will require a soft approach to start building back the friendship. Inject some occasional small talk as the first step towards becoming his friend, which will establish a basic level of trust.
You can build up a meaningful rapport in numerous ways, such as discussing common interests or disclosing something interesting about you. By gradually speaking to him and not throwing yourself into a fully blown relationship will make you more socially attractive to him.
The next step is go out together to explore your mutual interests, ideally something physical such as dancing, playing sport or swimming, because these activities will release endorphins that will enhance pleasure and reinforce your social attachment.
Flirting skills, and showing him signs that you want to be more than friends, is next. Use open body language, smile and be attentive.
If you can make him feel good around you then the next stage of building a long-term relationship is to get both your friends and his to become supportive of your potential romantic relationship.
To achieve this you both need to be there for each other emotionally, physically and spiritually. A good partner will always help you better yourself and be supportive, because a healthy relationship is built over time and not about the overused terminology of “being soul mates”.
True love goes way beyond feelings and words. Real love is about actions, especially respect, when you are together and the way that you bounce off each other to maintain confidence, self-esteem and optimism as partners.
However, my advice is that you should be prepared to call time on this relationship which appears to be over before it has even started. You may believe he is that someone special yet are unrealistic as he is not showing any romantic interest in you.
You deserve to have a man in your life to be committed enough to make you feel wonderful, so give him one last chance otherwise you should swiftly move on to find a suitor.
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