Dear Love Doctor

Should I Panic About My Loveless Existence?

Why not send former Kingston-resident Love Doctor your relationship queries? Use the form to submit your question(s).


My 40th birthday will be in July and I’m starting to worry as I’ve never married or had a child.

I’ve been single since the start of the year. I enjoyed an amazing nine-month relationship before this, which I now regret ending as I didn’t consider his feelings or thinking about our future.

I’ve been career-minded, but that’s not going to be totally fulfilling forever. I’m unsure of what the future holds and I’m afraid of letting life just drift. Please advise.


B, St. Andrew


Love Doctor’s Answer:

It sounds as though you have resisted finding that seemingly elusive perfect partner forever because you were busy working, and when you found someone special dismissed him after nine months as you failed to show any commitment.

The fact that many relationships are done and dusted in nine months is extremely common. Unfortunately couples complain that their partner has changed around the eight- and nine-month stage, when in fact they haven’t.

What happens is that the rose-tinted glasses are off. The initial flaws, which were simply overlooked at the beginning of the romance because of love or lust, suddenly appear and cracks can show in the partnership.

If the relationship was based primarily on lust, then understandably it can fall apart after nine months. When the partnership is truly loving and there’s mutual respect then it can only evolve if both parties are willing to accept each other’s weaknesses and work together to become the ‘dream team’ — something that so many individuals strongly desire and once they have it would not relinquish with ease.

I urge you to next time try to get over the nine-month period if you can deal with the next beau’s flaws. Teamwork is what relationships are all about. You don’t have to be too judgemental, because you will have flaws too.

If you wish to succeed next time, then try to appreciate the fact that to maintain a meaningful relationship becomes a juggling act. The vital ingredients to grow together include good communication, honesty, love, respect and trust. Without these a partnership is most likely to be doomed.


Having never been married is nothing to worry about, and you seriously don’t need to succumb to peer pressure. You’ll know in your heart if you meet someone that you could seriously settle down with forever. But you do need to show commitment and of course have some compassion for his feelings.

If you’ve not got time for an additional part-time job, then you won’t have time to devote to a loving relationship. As well as finding time for a romance, you also need to be emotionally ready. When you have these two aspects aligned then it’s time for you to consider taking a serious look for a long-term partner to settle down with.

As you will know, the feeling of being in love is extra special. Fortunately there are no barriers for love, which includes age. You are actually in the prime of life as you fast approach your 40th birthday.

A mid-crisis, which often occurs when there is a milestone birthday, leaves people feeling confused, lonely and trying to evaluate their life. Maybe you panicked and felt trapped, which is why you regrettably finished your previous romance.

As we often demand instant results, and your biological clock is ticking, perhaps the reason you’ve not found the ideal man to have children with is because you have never wanted children. So maybe you purposely avoided getting married, as you would have felt obliged to reproduce and your career might have been derailed.

Or maybe you’ve been judging people on looks rather than character, so never settled down. Yet it is a person’s character that will remain when any good looks start to fade. Good character is the glue that you’ll need to hold your next relationship together, if you want it to be fulfilling and potentially last forever.

If you are serious about finding a long-term lover, you’ll need to work out your value to the relationshipand I don’t mean just financially. You should compile a list of the characteristics that you desire in your next partner, because so many people are shallow and only want certain looks, height etc rather than someone who is considerate, kind-hearted and has similar interests.

I’m not suggesting that you lower your standards, just don’t be so adamant about what must tick your boxes. It’s all about connection, and often we fall in love with someone that we didn’t expect to.

At the end of the day a good man will care and protect you, overlook any flaws that appear after nine months and love you for being you. However, you need to reciprocate that and realise that love and life is like a game of snakes and ladders.


If you can deal with the good and bad as a couple that will help you grow together. Surely if you can find a man who adores you and you feel comfortable trying to create the ‘dream team’ with him, you’ll hold onto this man and work towards the same goals and aspirations.

You need to start planning and preparing for the future, because for you life can well and truly begin at 40. You are the only person in charge of your future destination. It’s time to make choices about what you desire, rather than drifting through life and hoping destiny will unearth the perfect man for you for no particular reason.

Now you are about to reach this milestone, it’s highly likely that you will find an older man as your ideal suitor to help guide you through the perils of life as you need guidance and a wise head to move towards happiness.

If you can let down your guard and relax about reaching 40, there’s a strong possibility of you being blown away by the chemistry that you weren’t expecting. My advice is to follow your heart, as that will provide you with the real answer about love.

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