For Us To Live Under The Same Roof Feels Like A Crisis – Help Me Love Doctor
Why not send former Kingston-resident Love Doctor your relationship queries? Use the form to submit your question(s).
I have been dating the same woman for six years, and because of COVID-19 we never moved in together. We recently discussed moving forward, but she is adamant that she will never move from the country yet I’m happy living and working in the city.
It feels that the relationship has hit a big barrier. What’s your take about making this partnership work or should we draw a line under this?
M, Norbroook, Kingston
This is often a tricky scenario as people don’t like change, and making a move to somewhere that is unfamiliar can be scary.
Your relationship needs nurturing if you are going to grow together, and planning for the future is a fundamental human need in any meaningful relationship.
So much depends on whether you still have a connection, or whether one of you wishes to explore new avenues. Six years is quite some time together and, of course, there is the possibility that the seven-year itch could soon appear.
If you want to sustain this relationship, then there must be adventure and mystery as well as passion and of course mutual responsibility. These ingredients are important to have in your mix.
Yet by being worried and anxious about this scenario means that there is obviously a major concern and doubts from at least one of you. Remember that by moving in together you will each lose your independence, which could be the fear factor.
I suggest that you try to arrange a heart-to-heart about what you two desire overall in the long term. And sexual desire is always going to work better when there is some space between you. That is because desire is about what you want, rather than what you need.
When you have a chat, find out what is stopping everything moving forward from her perspective. And look out for the telltale signs from either of you being emotionally needy, which is a real turn-off.
Staying together as a couple can often be dragged out. Individuals don’t want to break up because they realise that they will lose the comfort and closeness of a relationship, even if it is not going smoothly. The couple’s sense of belonging and identity in society often forces this continuity much longer than is necessary. You should take a reality check that this is not the case for you two.
On the other hand, by moving in as a couple – even after such a long time together – is ultimately about aiming to secure the permanence of your partnership. The dependability, reliability and security of a relationship can go stale for the simple reason that there are so high expectations.
We only get one shot at life, and as human beings are naturally drawn towards the unknown. So danger and risk are part of our excitement that we want.
Whether you are both ready for the unexpected, and potential surprises, of a new adventure together under one roof remains a mystery.
Yet if you wish to be together for the rest of your lives, then you both need to compromise once and for all. Six years together but not under the same roof means at least one of you has pussyfooted around.
It’s time to be a man and lay down want you want out of this relationship. Country folk and city slickers tend to have completely different attitudes towards life, but hopefully over the past six years the two of you have comprised and can continue to do so.
At the end of the day the reality is there needs to be desire from the pair of you to move in together. If there are stumbling blocks then you must discuss how major they are, and what solutions are actually achievable.
The best bet is to be direct and ask her where she sees you two in one year from now and when you have been together for a decade. That way you can establish whether she’s just happy for your relationship to drift, as it sounds like you would like more commitment from her.
If you two can be best friends, a trusted confidante to each other and the passion remains then I suggest you push for moving in together within the year.
Get the ball rolling by surprising her with some purchases for your home, whether it is for the kitchen, living area or bedroom. These purchases need to reflect that you are preparing for her arrival, and you do not need to be splashing the cash as all you are doing is showcasing that there are changes for the better.
A better life is a happier life, and now you must tackle whether you are going to make each other happy forever by finally living together under one roof.
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