Why not send former Kingston-resident Love Doctor your relationship queries? Use the form to submit your question(s).
Since COVID my relationship has drifted and the intimacy has gone. The spark with my boyfriend has gone as he wants to just work and see his friends rather than spend time with me.
Should I walk away or try to rebuild this dying relationship? – P – Portmore
Love Doctor’s Answer:
It is natural to feel sad when a relationship appears to have run its course. That previous spark associated with being in love often evaporates as quickly as it appeared.
Your partner may love you, but he is not being the same caring man you were used you at the start of your relationship. Maybe he was never the spontaneous type, in which case you need to accept that.
When you are in love there should be desire, excitement and intimacy in droves from you both. This, coupled with a longing until you are together, helps build the foundations for your romantic journey.
Unfortunately, the behaviour you describe means that he appears too comfortable in your relationship and is now not seemingly too bothered about spending time with you.
Your personal growth as a couple needs to be encouraged and supported by each of you. However, he needs the motivation to want to spend valuable time together.
This is a common occurrence between couples of one person losing interest. This is often referred to as the ‘honeymoon period’ when you are initially together and cannot keep your hands off each other.
It sounds like his hormones have settled down and the excitement of being in love has totally worn off.
This is indeed an ailing relationship as it stands. If you want to turn things around then you need to up the ante to how it was beforehand with the focus on working towards a long-term relationship. But does he want a long-term partner or is he more interested in the short-term pleasures of fun and frolics? You need to communicate with him to find out what he wants with you.
Genuine long-term love is not easy to maintain for a plethora of reasons. A deep connection is required, with constant respect towards each other and excellent communication skills.
Many couples lose respect for each other by saying something personal when they should have kept a lid on things. Without a filter then sadly the deep trust is lost, and often ignites the start of the end of the relationship.
One expression I have always adhered to has been “If in doubt go without”. And you are obviously having doubts about this man. You seem to think that you may not be in love with him any longer. So my initial reaction would be to walk away because you are only causing yourself immense pain.
Many people, especially those who with insecurity issues, allow their relationships to drift on. However, that is unhealthy and all of the time you are with the wrong person takes away the potential time you could spend with the right person.
Yet only you two can determine what you truly want out of a romantic relationship. My advice is to determine whether this is a blip with your boyfriend and he just needs you to telling him how much you miss him.
Maybe he is working more hours so that he can make more money to buy you nicer things, maybe even an engagement ring. A man who works long hours is a determined and often loyal person. This is the type for long-term relationships.
However, the sceptic side of me suggests that you should check whether he is actually working, as you do not want to discover that he is having an affair. The same may apply to him seeing his friends, he could actually be out and about with another lady. That would be a serious red flag if he was being unfaithful, and could account for his lack of interest in spending time with you.
Hopefully you will find out he has been genuinely busy with his career and friends. If that is the case then you can both determine whether you want to rekindle and stabilise your relationship.
Obviously the intimacy will require much more effort, and for you to crank up the intensity to get things moving in the right direction. Suggest cooking him a candlelit dinner and wearing some new perfume to show that you remain interested in him as your beau.
Being neglected in a relationship is never pleasant, and can feel like a huge gap in your life.
Yet the recent demands of everyday life during COVID-19 has merely made it tricky. To counteract his lack of time with you then you need to meticulously plan time together with your partner you make every moment count.
All relationships take time to work and run smoothly, so you do not have to consider this doomed.
If you are both prepared to make extra effort, and can see that he reacts as you desire, then there is a chance that it can be smooth sailing in the near future.
You need to calculate whether you devoted enough to each other to get things back on track. For example do you long to see each other and enjoy spending time together like the early stages of your relationship?
You are at a crossroads now with your relationship, so before you decide the next stage on this journey of love you must weigh up the past and focus on the future. Will this be a happy and loving romantic trip with him, or should you be brave enough to jump ship without feeling guilty because of his lack of attention?
Long-term love requires many aspects. But to succeed you need the three Cs of caring, commitment and (good) communication from both partners. But before you embark on these, determine whether you both desire a long-term future together.
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