Why not send former Kingston-resident Love Doctor your relationship queries? Use the form to submit your question(s).
I’m being ignored by a guy who I met on Tinder after we went swimming, made love and cooked lunch together at his place. It seemed romantic and genuine, he even paid for my taxi home.
Since then he has ignored all of my calls and messages, which has confused me. I don’t regret what we had but I don’t know what to do anymore, please help.
Love Doctor’s Answer:
The dating phase should be light-hearted and fun, especially in the early stages of a romantic relationship. But this sounds as though you were just another notch on his bedpost and he has probably moved onto another ‘victim’.
Dating apps are notorious for sex-starved and/or promiscuous people, which make them ideal platforms for those who wish to find someone for a no strings attached hookup.
This scenario that you find yourself in sounds needlessly complicated for a potential relationship that has stalled after just one date. You gave him your body immediately and far too easily. And sorry to burst your bubble, but this sounds as though it was far from genuine.
To be frank, if he is a regular dating apps man then he could easily be working his way through the dozens of women that he has been chatting with.
My advice is that you should send him a clear message, highlighting that you enjoyed your romantic episode but would now like to get to know him as a person. Include in your message an offer of two potential dates, one midweek evening and one during the day at the weekend. That way there is no doubting what you are seeking and by posing a question he should, if he is a true gentleman, show you the courtesy of a reply. But be careful that you do not come across as desperate.
At the moment, with all the calls and messages, you understandably feel deflated and perplexed. He may not have enjoyed the sex, your company or you were just another lady for him to have his wicked way with.
If he is busy it is understandable, although he should be explaining why he is busy rather than ignoring you. This man sounds as though he sadly has no respect for you, so you are far better without someone who sounds like a player. Best to know early on than six months down the line that he only thinks about himself.
He should be leaping at the opportunity to meet up if he is serious enough about you. Obviously if you get through to him to meet up then you need to be direct and find out the answers to two important aspects. Namely, could he visualise being in an exclusive romantic relationship with you? And can he commit to regularly spending time together in order for this potential relationship to grow.
If he claims that you are a couple but at the moment he does not have the time to regularly see you then this is a red flag. In all honesty he will probably be trying it with other unsuspecting ladies on a dating app or two.
At the end of the day you are either a happy couple or not, but it appears that you are currently surplus to his requirements because he has had sex with you and is only likely to make contact for a repeat sexual experience. Whatever happens do not sleep with him the next time you meet, otherwise you are most likely going to find yourself in exactly the same frustrating situation again.
Part of being a sexual being is sharing passionate and pleasurable moments with someone that you find devilishly attractive. But as he has chosen to blank you then he appears to not be at all interested in any form of commitment. There are endless reasons for this, which could include the fact that he already has a partner but she is away at the moment.
A traditional romantic relationship with this man seems impossible and you are hitting your head against a brick wall. As the expression clearly states, “You can take a camel to the water but you cannot make it drink it”.
Although it is liberating to sometimes enjoy commitment-free sex, like he seems to have instigated, the confusion and heartache for the other party who is seeking a relationship can be tricky.
If he ignores your next message then I suggest you block him and navigate your way into another man’s heart. Life is a learning curve, and generally we all learn from our mistakes.
Stepping back from him is imperative here. You really do not have much to lose as you are offering him one final chance before you decide to cut all ties. Although it is upsetting to lose him out of your life, you only invested a day and have learned the hard way from this experience.
If you wish to continue with dating apps then I urge you to tread with more trepidation next time. My advice is to try to find some common ground beyond the bedroom to potentially kick-start any relationship, because a personality match is just as important as a physical attraction.
Concentrate on putting your efforts on a man who will love to see you in person, but wait to find a decent man and not just someone who seeks sex for his own gratification.
You need to break away from this man unless he replies to your message, ensure this is your final message to him if he ignores you. Instead focus on what would make you feel happy and fulfilled before you get involved with another man, but don’t waste your thoughts on him. Follow the traditional Jamaican expression of “Focus on the future”.
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