Why not send former Kingston-resident Love Doctor your relationship queries? Use the form to submit your question(s).
What is the perfect present to buy my wife for our forthcoming 10-year wedding anniversary to show my gratitude for being happily married?
My wife likes to call the shots and she definitely wears the trousers, which we both knew when we got engaged, but we’ve not had any children.
Jeff – Portmore
Love Doctor’s Answer
Congratulations on the chance to celebrate such a major milestone of a decade of marriage.
Seeking as perfect a gift as possible to reflect your beautiful journey together is not an impromptu purchase, and what you decide to present her is a small step to showing her that you adore her as much after 10 years as your big day.
I expect you have already discovered that traditionally aluminium or tin is gifted for a 10-year wedding anniversary, which doesn’t sound glamorous nor romantic.
This is 2020, so you can up the ante and add a modern twist on tradition although so much depends on your personal budget. Whatever you pick it needs to make her swoon so she appreciates your commitment, devotion and undying love.
My suggestion is to be creative and give her something to remind her of the big day. If you have a copy of your wedding vows on DVD then maybe purchase a framed poster (remember to buy a frame that is aluminium or tin). Take out the poster, turn it over and write out your vows on this along with the date and insert back into the frame along with a photo of your happy day.
If she likes jewellery then you should consider getting a silver bracelet with your wedding date on it as well as your names, so she can proudly display this as and when. Should you wish to blow the budget a white gold ring or necklace with a silver stone to symbolise aluminium or tin will surely be appreciated.
Should neither of these ideas seem suitable, then maybe present 10 scented candles in tins to represent each year but up the romantic stakes by including a little note in each tin to state what made each individual year as a couple so special.
I had a threesome with my girlfriend and another man. I always thought I was straight, but after this episode I’m not so sure.
I’m 31 and my girlfriend is two years younger. We’ve been together for four years, but our sex life has gone downhill since our two-year-old daughter came along.
Following a recent night out, when we both got drunk, I suggested we write down our sexual fantasies to see if we could rekindle our passion. Her wildest sexual fantasy was to have a threesome with me and another man, which she was serious about acting out.
I was gobsmacked, yet decided to give it a go to put our sex life back on track. We easily found a man who was up for it on an adult website. We booked a room and met him in the bar of a smart hotel. This was all before lockdown, of course.
Our sex life hasn’t been the same since. I keep worrying about why I’ve been thinking about this guy in a sexual way, I’ve always felt totally heterosexual but now I am really confused.
I can’t talk to my girlfriend about it and I definitely can’t talk to my mates. What’s your advice?
Levi – Jamaica
Love Doctor’s Answer:
Your decision to get involved with a one-off extra-marital experimentation in an attempt to improve your relationship has not got the desired resulted sadly, despite your best intentions.
Often partners get jealous or experience insecurity when they undertake sexual experiments involving a new face, and the destruction of intimacy between you and your partner is probably why you are thinking about this man. You are having self doubts about your own ability between the sheets with your partner.
Intimate love-making, which is far more than just sex, is one of the pillars that helps holds a romance together. If your love-making is good enough, then there is no desire to add another partner into the equation, but that wasn’t the case.
As your sex life was on a downward spiral you tried to repair your romance, but it seems that you are feeling sexually inadequate since that is leading you to thinking about this other man’s prowess with your partner.
These on-going doubts following this recent threesome has left you in pain because of your overall long-term connection to your partner. Your ability to trust her has been threatened by this man, which is why you have sexual thoughts about this man. Yet this hurt to your partnership is now resulting in a less than satisfactory sex life, so your experiment has backfired.
My advice is for you to discuss with her the situation, obviously don’t mention that you are thinking about this other man as that is likely to pass in time. Best to explain that you are suffering pain following this one-off episode. You must be firm that you no longer want any more extra-marital partners involved in your loving relationship.
Now is the time to romantically recommit to each another. I suggest – once the lockdown’s over and you are comfortable enough to take a vacation – that you have a break together. This can be a weekend in an all inclusive in Jamaica or a vacation elsewhere, but the focus needs to be just the two of you. So your daughter needs to stay with a family member while you have a break that needs to be like a mini honeymoon.
I’ve been waiting for this unusual dilemma for a decade to rear its head. When we got engaged (in 2008) my fiancée said that she loved me so much that for our 10-year wedding anniversary she would ‘let me off the leash’ for one night.
Her offer always stuck in my head but I never dared to mention it. My wife recently challenged me to find someone to sleep with, just the once, before our 10-year wedding anniversary next month.
As a gentleman and a loyal husband I immediately declined this offer, but she then goaded with the cutting words ‘Now you’re older you won’t find any woman to sleep with you before our anniversary!’
I don’t like the idea of being disloyal, even with permission, but I also don’t like the fact that she is calling the shots and trying to make me feel bad. I don’t want to be humiliated if I turn down her anniversary ‘present’ and I don’t want there to be tears if I did have a one-night stand. What should I do?
JP- St Catherine
Love Doctor’s Answer
Well this doesn’t come as a shock that she’s offering you this anniversary ‘present’. It sounds as though your marriage has not been the best relationship as she is goading you over being unable to find a suitable lady to sleep with.
Her proposal opens up a can of worms, especially if go ahead with it and sleep with someone that you both know.
Maybe she is goading you for the simple reason that you’ve had fewer sexual partners than her, or because she wants you to experience love-making with someone else in order to return to the bedroom with more adventurous antics.
If there is a lack of enthusiasm in your bedroom and this ‘present’ is meant to spice things up, and remember that by being granted permission doesn’t mean infidelity, then you need to weigh up the long-term benefits of this experience to your marriage.
Goodness knows what she will suggest for her 10-year wedding anniversary present. As she is offering her blessing for you to bed another lady without any drama, it could mean that if she wanted a similar arrangement it could scar you and you must explain that to her.
It sounds like she isn’t acting like a lady that wants to be married to you as she is mocking you and encouraging you to find sexual satisfaction elsewhere, albeit a one-night stand. Sadly it appears that she no longer respects you and is emotionally detached from you.
As you’ve mentioned that you don’t want there to be tears should you accept her challenge, then maybe it is best to sit down and explain that you love her and therefore have no desire to stray as you are totally devoted to her. If she is insistent about you accepting her ‘present’ then you need to ask her where she sees you two in another 10 years, which may not be the answer you are hoping to hear.
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