How Do I Tell My Friend To Focus On The Future?

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Question:

My bestie has been down in the dumps for just over a year. This has been since his relationship ended and his now ex-girlfriend blocked him from contacting her.

When we last went out I noticed his cell phone screensaver has been changed to a photo of her. I didn’t say anything, and he hasn’t mentioned them being in contact.

The break-up was a bolt out of the blue, and he’s never revealed why they split. He’s never said a bad word against her.

He’s surprisingly shown no interest in dating anyone else, but I’m now really worried about him because it looks like he’s dwelling in the past and still keeping his emotions to himself.

Is there anything I should do to help him live for now and move on?

D, Manchester Paris

Love Doctor’s Answer:

Your pal remains emotionally vulnerable by the sounds of things, and obviously he thought highly of his former love despite being suddenly dumped.

You don’t mention how long they were together, but if it was under a year then the relationship may have simply run its course and fallen apart organically.

The fact that she immediately blocked him points to something untoward happening between them, although she could simply be a controlling lady with a narcissistic streak.

In all probability the split was caused by her cheating, although that may not have occurred. He would have gone through all the stages of heartbreak, including anger, for months.

The reality is that a break-up can take up to three years before the desolation and intense emotional pain of this trauma has completely evaporated.

It sounds bizarre that he has added his former crush as a screensaver, but it’s perhaps his way of dealing with the bitter blow of losing this lady that he’s never complained about.

He may be inconsolable still, so your best bet is to lift his spirits and help him deal with this anguish and deep-rooted torment.

I suggest you buy some wasabi beans or peas for yourself and him, because these will naturally combat feeling down. Be subtle by enthusiastically telling him how much you are enjoying these. Be a good friend by gifting him some and informing him that they’re so delicious and are making you feel happy.

It’s no use asking him why he’s got his ex-girlfriend’s photo on his cell phone, if he wants to explain then he will in good time. It’s advisable not to push him, because he’s going through a lot emotionally.

If he’s heard from her, then because of all the sorrow he suffered he’s highly unlikely to pour his heart out. Especially as he’s never explained the reason for their shock split.

In time he’ll be ready to date again, but time is the only healer. Although you would like your friend to be happy and in love, his broken relationship has left him in grief.

You’re fortunate that he hasn’t simply gone on a meaningless rebound relationship, but he’s decided to deal with his suffering by simply getting on with life.

You just need to be there for him and do as much listening as possible. I advise you to not push him towards any ladies until he is in a much better place, otherwise he’s most likely going to enter a futile relationship that will briefly boost his confidence but eventually feel that he’s in an even worse situation when that ends.

Rejection can be hard to deal with, and by avoiding a relationship until he feels comfortable is the best bet.

You need to be on the lookout for your best friend to ensure that an unsuitable woman doesn’t turn his head, because men are visual creatures and can be shallow when it comes to good looks. If he does date again, and it’s the wrong women, when the bubble bursts this will only push him into despair once more.

Love and romance tends to be like a game of snakes and ladders, so stay supportive towards your pal and encourage him to mingle with ladies without getting romantically involved.

You may discover that his ex-girlfriend has had a change of heart, but you’ll have to patiently play the waiting game to see if he’s going to go back to the arms of the lady he clearly yearns for.

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