Should I Use a Surprise Gift Gesture to Get Back Together?

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Love Doctor Monti is academically trained in interpersonal relationships, partnership intimacy and psychologically.

Question:

I split up with my boyfriend five years ago, my choice. He’s been very respectful since, only sending me a happy birthday and happy new year message.

Last week I received an unexpected early birthday present in the post that’s from him, which I’ll open on my birthday at the end of the month. This has thrown me, as we’ve always kept our distance from one another.

I do constantly think about us, and why I destroyed what was a good thing. I just wasn’t emotionally mature to think about a future together, but it’s different now.

Can I use this present as an excuse to suggest buying him a thank you drink, because I’m certain the passion would still be there?

D, Westmoreland

Love Doctor’s Answer:

His gesture of a gift after your romantic relationship ended so long ago is highly likely to reflect how he currently feels.

It could have been an impulsive decision, having seen something that reminds him of you, or planned because maybe this is a milestone birthday for you.

If it’s an important birthday, then this man is clearly showing his caring side by ensuring you receive a gift to mark the occasion. This could have triggered you into thinking about the past and the passionate times you both shared.

Things should become much clearer when you finally open his present on your extra special day, especially if he’s penned something obviously romantic inside a birthday card.

Sending a gift and card is a way that avoids directly being rejected by you for a second time, so he may have been reaching out to remind you that he still loves you.

GENUINE KINDNESS
He obviously possesses genuinely warm feelings for you by constantly wishing you happy birthday and happy new year following your split, so this gift won’t be something that upsets you but instead brings a smile to your face.

Yet it may simply be an act of kindness from your ex-boyfriend to help smooth over the bad memories of your break-up.

Closure is another possibility, as time is the only healer after being heartbroken. This present could be his final goodbye and letting go of you from being on his mind and in his heart. This is most likely if he’s about to embark on a new chapter in his life, such as his career or he’s planning to get engaged.

It’s courteous to message him that you’ve received this, which I assume you’ve already done. If not then a straightforward sentence thanking him for his kind thoughts and you look forward to opening this gift on your birthday. Sign off with just your initial and lower-case kiss.

I urge you to do some detective work about his career and love life, which is probably easily accessible on social media. You are searching to see if he has been promoted at work or is about to move to another country, maybe even overseas, and to find out if he’s currently attached romantically.

KEEP IT SECRET
If you can’t find out online, you should try former mutual friends and ask them directly about his romantic and work status. No need to tell them that’s he surprised you with a birthday gift, because you don’t want to embarrass him as it’s unlikely he told any friends.

You definitely don’t want to build up your hopes of rekindling your romance until you have the relevant information about him. The past has gone, so his feelings for you could have faded.

However, he seems to be testing you in order to gauge your reaction to his unexpected contact and generous gesture. It puts him back on your romantic radar, and he’s certainly checked that you are currently single. I’m assuming you are by your eagerness to meet him face-to-face.

My rule of thumb about giving a failed romantic relationship another whirl is down to just two things, whether you were soulmates and if the reason for your split could have been prevented.

You mention that you weren’t emotionally available for a long-term partnership back then. Admitting this is a giant step forward as you owe your former boyfriend an apology, but this needs to be quick and not dwelled on. He has to accept it and focus on the future.

THE MESSAGE MATTERS
My suggestion is for you to wait until you’ve opened the present before you engage in communication with him. That’s because there’s bound to be a heartfelt message in there, either looking to meet up or a thanks for the memories goodbye wish.

It’s not a question of having to be patient because you need to research his career and love life before getting in touch with him, otherwise you’re going into this blindly.

You’ll find answers from checking him out and then the words in the card. These two aspects will determine whether you need to go your separate ways, or can potentially give this a second shot.

His gesture appears to have triggered your feelings for him despite being apart for five years. That could be nothing more than nostalgia even though you would dearly love to recreate what you previously had together.

If the message inside your birthday card and your research both go in your favour, these are a golden opportunity to suggest a liaison.

LEARNING CURVE
You are spot on about reaching out about offering him a thank you drink. This rendezvous is when you can both weigh up whether you could still be a good fit or have grown apart in terms of aspirations and hobbies.

I’m assuming that there will the same spark between you, as you mentioned the passionate aspect in your dilemma question.

It’s best to use my trusty 2-1 psychology trick on your birthday. Message him two positive sentences that are about him, with a final sentence about meeting up to say thanks for the gift. It’s crucial to avoid using the word “I” for this scenario to work. Ensure your suggestion about a catch-up doesn’t require a yes or no response.

Although you would like to roll back the years, remember that you will have both aged and altered over five years. Yet the biggest barrier for you two is building back mutual commitment.

You require mutual interests, respect and trust in a meaningful relationship. Yet you shattered his dreams because of your lack of commitment. Be prepared when you meet to subtly show him that you’ve changed for the better and are looking to enter a serious romance.

PROVE LONGEVITY
Say anything that proves you don’t give up. Maybe tell him about hobbies that you’ve stuck with. When you mention any friends ensure that for some of them you tell him that you’ve know her for a considerable amount of time, or speak about work if you’ve been with the same company for a long time.

Rebuilding his faith in your commitment to a new romantic relationship together is your sticking point. The ball is in your court and begins  by you making yourself available for dating.

The first question I ask anyone single who tells me there are seeking a romance is whether they have time for a part-time job. If the answer is no, then I ask whether they could find time if they met someone special. A yes or no response determines their immediate romantic future.

If you can commit to spending time together for a month, then you need to take the bull by the horns by suggesting a vacation to familiar territory. Let him be the man and decide when and where.

Taking a break after so many years apart will determine whether you two are destined for a meaningful long-term relationship, or your romance was always just built on passion and not much else.

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