Should Our Age Gap Make Me Rethink Romance?

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Love Doctor Monti is academically trained in interpersonal relationships, partnership intimacy and psychologically.

Question:

I recently met a much younger woman than me along Seven Mile Beach, who was on vacation. We hit it off for our four days together.

My friend tagged along with her friend to make polite conversation, while the sparks were really flying between me and this lady from Ochi.

We’ve been in touch every day since and we’ve exchanged social media accounts. The issue is on some of her photos her friends look really young, which has left me thinking that maybe I’m too old for a serious relationship with her.

R, Negril

Love Doctor’s Answer:

You have kicked off tremendously well by keeping the channels of communication firmly open with daily chats or messages. Maintaining this momentum is a crucial factor in staying on track to keep the romance going, as you are a three-hour journey apart.

As she was on vacation, it may have simply been just flirty fun and she isn’t considering you as future boyfriend material despite you stating that the sparks were flying.

Your main obstacle is obviously the physical distance between you, so the only way forward is for you to show mutual commitment by travelling to see each other when you can.

You need to build the foundations for a meaningful romantic relationship if you can both stay committed as well as ensuring that there is solid communication with an emotional connection.

Although you haven’t mentioned what the age gap is between you, my rule of thumb is up to 13 years difference. Although if you are from different islands or countries then this can work wonderfully well even with a 20-year age gap.

However, you are having doubts about whether this can be a long-lasting romance as her friends look young. It sounds like you longing for her as she’s on your mind.

Many social media postings use filters that leave people looking much younger than they actually are, because their facial features are adjusted to such an extent that their skin can look as though it was ironed.

It should not be much of a problem if her friends look young, because you know that is she mature in her outlook and that there was a genuine connection between you. I suggest that you look at her social media posts and compare what she looks like to determine whether any filters were used.

It is best to ask your friend that entertained this lady’s friend about what he thought, because he will have noticed the body language and you don’t want to discover that you misread her.

HEAD TURNER
You are probably one of those men who generally finds themselves to be more or less invisible to younger ladies, but you believe that you have struck the jackpot with this latest love interest because you were getting unexpected romantic attention.

It’s only early days between you, so you must try to establish whether she was just being polite by keeping in touch and swapping social media address.

I suggest you look at her social media posts to find out about her hobbies and see what sort of lady she is. Scrutinise my guide to what kinds of women to avoid for a romance.

If she is genuinely interested in you then she needs to show commitment and good communication. As long as there’s mutual respect, the desire for intimacy and passion will arrive when you are both genuinely ready.

For this partnership to blossom you need to love each other affectionately, then romantically before moving on naturally to a sexual connection. There/s no need to rush getting intimate, so hold back to show her the utmost respect.

Long-term relationships are never easy. Maintaining a high level of affection and commitment without the romance getting too intense frequently falls apart within the first year.

EARLY DAYS
A deep connection, rather than intimacy, is essential for a potential partnership to truly flourish. Just ensure that you both have the same aspirations and desire to be together. If you don’t deal with these in the early stages, your relationship could just drift on as an unhealthy part-time romance.

If you can get through your ‘honeymoon period’, which can last up to 12 months, with the excitement of being in love remaining then you will be doing well as a couple.

All of the time that you are with the wrong person takes away the potential time that you could be spending with the right person, so you both need to consider whether you wish to be together for the right reasons.

HEAD OVER HEELS
Although you’ve spent very little time together, the big question is would either of you truly miss each other if you never met again? Do you pine to see her? Is she yearning to see you or are fixated by her because of the age gap?

I urge you to try and find some common ground, such as hobbies, as the glue to keep you together. Plan something exciting so you both have things to look forward to. Ensure that you communicate your feelings to her, but more importantly listen to what she has to say.

It may have just been fun in Negril, and she would like to see you when she gets time, but is she ready to commit to you? Is there the emotional pain of absence and distance?

Long-distance love must include the three Cs – caring, commitment and (good) communication. By utilising all of these then this you can easily stabilise your relationship and build up a meaningful romance.

Getting past the initial one year is the only way to develop a long-term partnership.

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