Is There A Way To Coax My Ex-Fiance Back?
If you fancy sending your romantic relationship dilemma to former Kingston resident Love Doctor Monti, author of Journey To Find The Perfect Partner Forever, kindly submit your question via our form or send a direct email to [email protected].
Question:
Just over a year ago I met the man of my dreams. We moved in together after we got engaged on vacation. Just after New Year’s Day I walked out of his life because I was panicking about the future.
I wanted him to start chasing me or beg me back into his life, but we’ve had zero communication.
It’s been too long without the love of my life. I was about to send him a message on social media but I got upset when I found out he’s dating again.
What’s my best set of tactics to reach out and try to turn back the clock because I’m determined to win him back?
F, Hanover
Love Doctor’s Answer:
You moved swiftly by getting engaged and living together, both major steps in a romantic relationship, which could have caused your worries over the future.
There are other possible reasons for you deciding to walk away from someone that you had planned to spend the rest of your life with.
Maybe the rose-tinted glasses were off and you started to see some of his flaws. It could have been something to do with your age, such as reaching (or about to reach) a milestone birthday or going through the menopause. You didn’t indicate your age bracket.
You broke up around the festive season, when there’s the sugar-coated media projection of happy couples. This would have put pressure on your new partnership if there were any niggles between you.
Regardless of why you split, it’s very apparent that you need an SOS call or message as you fancy a second shot at immense happiness with your former fiance.
Before you go full throttle by contacting him and potentially rocking the boat, you need to establish how serious he is about his current love interest. It could be just fun ‘n’ frolics after he got seriously involved with you, or may just be a rebound relationship.
I suggest that you reach out to mutual friends, as long as they don’t think ill of you, to find out whether or not his latest romance is a short-term fling. They should inform him that you are making enquiries about this relationship status.
His knowledge of your interest will set the cat among the pigeons. This will be flattering for him, because he must have truly loved you to ask you to be his wife, and possibly music to his ears.
ENCOURAGE COMMUNICATION
You’ve laid down the foundations for making contact, so it won’t come out of the blue when you decide to reach out. Putting the feelers out with friends should unnerve him, but you are best to hold back for a fortnight.
If he wants to meet you then he will start thinking about you. As he’s in a romantic relationship, it’s unlikely he will open up the channels of communication.
I suggest that after a fortnight, with you no doubt in his mind and leaving him to wonder when exactly you will contact him, you send him a direct message suggesting a potential rendezvous.
You are best to follow the 2-1 psychology trick, which is when you send three sentences. A prelude of two compliments before you convey what you really wish to say.
Try not to sound like an overeager puppy or come across as lonely. Just state two positives about you as a couple, then suggest a rendezvous. Ensure that you give him two different days/nights to meet up and not a yes/no answer.
He’s either a gentleman by not chasing you, absolutely heartbroken by the break-up or so furious that he never wishes to see you again.
REEL HIM IN
If you can bag a face-to-face meeting, then potentially getting him back into your life should be a piece of cake. He will only agree to a one-to-one if he has romantic intentions as you’ve already sent positive vibes about you as a loving couple.
You are obviously upset that he’s got a new lady, but don’t let him know this. If you truly love him and he explains that he’s happy with her, then you will be pleased for him deep down.
The good news is this outreach has nothing to do with revenge, because you left him and you haven’t suddenly decided to contact him after learning he has a new lady.
He will expect you to explain why you did a disappearing act. Be prepared to explain your reasoning, and then apologise. Tell him the truth about you expecting him to chase you following the split.
No doubt he will say sorry for his silence, so will be on the backfoot. Ensure you ooze confident body language to appear attractive, for example sit back like you are being interviewed on a TV chat show rather than leaning in and being emotionally needy.
When meeting up please be punctual, and don’t overdo the make-up or scent. Even though most men are visual creatures, he fell in love with your character and the whole package rather than just looks.
STICK TO A PLAN
If you want him to potentially rekindle your loving relationship, you should stick to a plan for your conversation. Ask what’s been happening to him, try listening rather than talking, show empathy, dwell on the positives that you enjoyed together before asking him about his aspirations.
You’ll soon learn if you still have the same dreams and goals. If that’s the case, and you definitely wish to turn back time, play your trump card. Ask him what he thought was your best day out and best vacation as a couple. You will roll back the good times by reminiscing.
Touch his hand when appropriate, look him in the eye and hold his gaze. Subtly lick your lips then ask him when he wants to repeat such a memorable vacation.
He will suggest some dates if he’s seriously interested in giving your relationship another whirl, although you may need to prompt him.
Once you get to spend some top quality time together on vacation, you can discuss a potential future together. Build up his trust and smooth everything over by only discussing your outstanding times you enjoyed to build mutual respect and commitment.
LIVING TOGETHER AGAIN
If you both feel that you belong together, and are true soulmates, this is the opportunity to suggest moving back in together one day.
No need to rush this, but set a maximum deadline of three months to find somewhere suitable to live. This is in case one of you realises that you aren’t going to last the course, as you’ve been apart for a while and people do change.
Having been previously engaged you should broach the subject of marriage, and explain that you would still like to tie the knot. If his response is positive, suggest that once you’ve lived together for a month that you would like to seriously discuss getting engaged again.
Tell him that after six months under the same roof that you would like for the two of you to plan your wedding day, because you love him and never wish to lose him out of your life.
Setting some end goals, from an initial vacation to another engagement to a wedding, gives you both an incentive to make this a more meaningful relationship the second time around.
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