How Do I Get My Wedding Back On Track?
Why not send former Kingston-resident Love Doctor Monti, the author of Journey To Find The Perfect Partner Forever, your relationship queries? Use our form to submit your question or send an email.
Question:
I’ve been with someone for almost six months. We met by chance and he proved himself to me. What he did for me increased my trust and love.
We dreamed of a future together, so we got engaged and started living together in an unknown city for 1.5 months.
Our relationship, which was romantic and passionate at first, turned into fights and insults. We started to hurt one another with words, and both stopped behaving respectfully.
Our conversations eventually ended badly, which led to separation. I feel exhausted from this scenario.
I’m unsure about the future but can our situation be reversed to move forward as a couple as I had originally imagined?
Brianna, Hayes
Love Doctor’s Answer:
A whirlwind romance that quickly ends up with engagement is a great starting block for a meaningful relationship, as long as you can overcome the flaws that show after the first three months.
Unearthing a potential partner worthy of our love and devotion is not an easy task, but I am sorry that you have been on a bit of a romantic rollercoaster ride over the past six months.
He showed his value to you during a short space of time, and you mention that he built your trust for a happy future together.
Moving in together, especially to somewhere new for both of you, was a big step and obviously there were new challenges in strange surroundings.
You were both adjusting to life under the same roof without your family and friends, so could have easily reached a saturation point by spending so much time together.
GIVE AND TAKE
The adventure would have needed some give and take as you both adjusted to new surroundings. That could have been the reason why your romantic relationship started to turn sour.
As the love and devotion was clearly there, and you experienced mutual trust, the most likely missing elements would have been good communication and each learning to compromise.
Yet you failed to overcome differences of opinion and problems, which will have most likely been caused by frustration setting in by moving to an unfamiliar city.
Getting engaged and planning your future forever should be a wondrous and treasured moment. It’s very easy for your dreams and aspirations to suddenly get detailed by minor issues.
The fact that you allowed yourselves to start insulting each other is a sad aspect. To me that sounds as though it was a question of familiarity breeding contempt.
You may have been living too much out of each other’s pockets during the 1.5 months in a different environment, and needed some space between you from time.
ROSE-TINTED GLASSES
If the rose-tinted glasses fell off, when you suddenly saw each other’s flaws and there were things that irritated you both about the other person, then that’s a major hurdle that you can only overcome if you believe you are soulmates.
I’m sorry to learn that you decided to part ways, although you don’t say whether that was a mutual decision or one of you decided to split. Bear in mind that if he left you then it will be trickier to repair the relationship.
Obviously you each deeply loved each other, and you still feel the deep devotion towards you. Sadly, embarking on your life together as a happy couple was short-lived and fraught with disagreements, but can be repaired if you are both committed.
If you truly love this man, and you are convinced that he still loves you, then you should promptly arrange a rendezvous to discuss what went wrong. Don’t hesitate, otherwise you may find he enters a rebound relationship.
Opening up the channels of communication is vital as the initial step for you two. You have been very honest by not playing the blame game and admitting that the reason for the split was the fault of both of you.
If he still resides in the city that you moved to together, then you should suggest visiting him there.
Aim to meet somewhere that you’ve never been before. Ideally a busy venue that doesn’t serve alcohol, because you don’t want either of you to say anything under the influence of alcohol.
TRUE LOVE
By returning to a fairly familiar city you will either feel your love towards this man or not when your eyes meet. True love is based on a strong connection between two people, who can show mutual love and respect.
Meeting up will determine whether that bond and sparks remain between the two of you. You both need to be emotionally and mentally prepared for seeing each other face-to-face.
Before you reach out to him, write down five positive attributes about his character off the top of your head. Then see what sort of value he offers you in terms of a long-lasting romantic relationship.
You need to tackle your quest for long-term love with marriage realistically, so if you wish to potentially rekindle this romantic relationship then you must establish to him what your expectations are and ensure that there’s mutual commitment.
Life is relatively short, so should be savoured. We evolve by constantly creating the best version of ourselves.
WEDDING DAY
Finding someone so special to love us is arguably the most joyous moment in life. Although your wedding day, if it goes ahead, will no doubt be the best day of your life.
Yet you two will require more than love and devotion to return to the initial happiness that resulted in getting engaged and moving in together.
If you believe that you are soulmates and can iron out your previous problems, there is no reason why you can’t press the reset button to become perfect partners and marry.
I would suggest that you need to set out some plans. If you can agree to move back in together, then set a date of six months to then make concrete plans to book a wedding destination and date. That will be a committed goal for you to both work towards.
In order to make that dream happen, you must know what you both desire from each other forever apart from each other’s characteristics, looks and traits.
MIRROR VERSION
Generally speaking our ideal partner is going to be our mirror version with similar interests and goals.
You need to establish whether this man can complete your life and deliver immense happiness forever.
He definitely adored you by asking you to marry him within a short space of time. You obviously love him still despite this blip, otherwise you would not be posing this delicate dilemma.
For your romantic relationship to become fulfilling you both need to analyse what went wrong and learn from those mistakes.
FIND FAITH
If you each believe that you can turn back time to when you were happier as a couple, you will have immense confidence in each other and can feel comfortable about your future together.
When you meet then you are attempting to reignite your faith in both him and romance in general.
It appears to me that if you want to get back together then your relationship needs to run like clockwork. Aside from the urgent requirement of mutual respect, I would urge you to both consider embracing part-time independence.
Try not to overdo spending virtually every hour together. Long-term relationships tend to last when partners are happy in their own comfort zones and routines. If you can be apart every now and again then when you are together you will really value these precious times as a couple.
TOGETHER FOREVER
Settling down is a big commitment, but the reward of being together forever is the ultimate. Find out if that amazing connection remains from your rendezvous, and whether he is committed to giving your relationship another shot.
If he agrees to trying to make your relationship work, then you need to also rebuild any remarkable intimacy and passion.
You need to suggest a vacation so that you can spend time getting to know each other again following this enforced break. This would be a perfect solution as you stated that you are “exhausted”, which sounds mentally rather than physically.
Rather than this just being an idealised form of love, the only way that you can smooth things is if you can agree to move things along at a pace to suit both of you and have the same aspirations but with mutual commitment, respect and trust.
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