Should I React To Call About Marriage?
Why not send former Kingston-resident Love Doctor Monti, the author of Journey To Find The Perfect Partner Forever, your relationship queries? Use our form to submit your question or send an email.
Question:
I’ve been single for almost a year and just after Valentine’s Day I received a cellphone call from an ex-boyfriend that lasted over an hour.
This was unexpected because there’s been zero communication since the break-up. We only live 20 minutes apart and we’ve not bumped into each other.
I was happy he reached out as I still have feelings for him. At times he sounded a bit drunk, perhaps too many Dragon Stouts. Our conversation was flowing until he mentioned that he’s now ready for marriage.
We had a full-on relationship for many years. We never discussed moving in together or marriage. We haven’t made any plans to speak again, but I wonder if we should catch up to see if there’s still a spark.
R, Negril
Love Doctor’s Answer:
A drunken call, albeit having a drink for Dutch courage, is never the best way to potentially restart a broken romantic relationship.
Having St. Valentine’s Day rammed down our throats by the media, which portrays happy couples for just one day a year, probably jolted him to pick up the phone. I suspect that he only reached out as he didn’t enjoy being alone on the world’s most romantic day.
It sounds as though ultimately he misses you. We can often only appreciate our previous partner when they are no longer in our life. There’s usually some little gifts that someone so very special gave us that can help soften the blow of lost love.
The fact that you live so near, yet haven’t seen each other, is probably down to the two of you being very respectful to each other. When couples split it’s always best to avoid hanging at the same places you visited together when all loved up, and maybe that’s exactly what you’ve done.
Closure is important to both parties should a romance come crashing down, although isn’t necessary if the relationship has simply run its course within a year.
SOUL MATES
You’ve admitted that you still have feelings for your ex-boyfriend, which is understandable as you dated for years. Over time those feelings will diminish, unless you were genuine soul mates, and you can move onto a new romance once you feel emotionally ready.
It sounds like the two of you should arrange for a rendezvous, to either clear the air or discuss having a second shot at a meaningful relationship. The fact that he was slightly drunk means that although alcohol helped loosen his tongue, he may not recall raising the subject of marriage.
Marriage is a big step and a major commitment. As you two couldn’t commit to each other when you previously dated, then unquestionably marriage must be off limits to even contemplate bringing into conversation for some time.
NO MISTAKE
Should you decide to give your romance another whirl, I urge you to date again for 12 months before discussing marriage. Even then you must both be certain, as you don’t want to make a mistake and end up getting divorced.
As you haven’t had any form of communication for such a lengthy amount of time, and no plans to speak again, then don’t get too carried away that he’s your perfect Prince Charming. He may have been special in the past, yet we all alter over time.
If your attraction towards him was primarily physical, be prepared for his looks to have faded. His character won’t have changed, but maybe his outlook on life has. If his personality was partly the reason that you used to adore him, it’s a great foundation to build a future together.
OVERALL PICTURE
I suggest that you compile a flow chart with two options from each box, starting with the question Meet Up? From both the Yes or No results you require two choices to build up an overall picture about the two of you.
This takes a bit of thinking to sort out, but once it has been done you will get a proper view about the two of you to analyse.
You should also write down a list of mutual interests and common goals that you had with this ex-boyfriend. You can always make contact with him and suggest a rendezvous if there’s a lengthy list, alternatively swerve any communication if the list is pretty short or dreary.
FINAL DESTINATION
We only get one shot at life, and have to make endless decisions to reach our final destination. You need to look at what you’ve written down to calculate whether your former flame is actually the person you would be prepared to spend the rest of your life with.
It’s best to seek a suitor who can provide the essential elements of personal growth as a couple. There must be encouragement and support from both parties to make a loving relationship work.
Just because the word marriage was uttered via a drunken call doesn’t mean you need to rush into dating your ex-boyfriend with the aim to eventually tie the knot. On the other hand, you can always broach the subject of marriage if you decide to meet up and determine whether or not it was the alcohol prompting him.
Marriage is a wonderful celebration of a meaningful and loving relationship, which requires commitment and to be able to constantly compromise. It sounds like you are ready to embark on your journey to find the perfect partner forever, just choose your next starting point with caution.
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