Are Good Looks Immaterial?
Why not send former Kingston-resident Love Doctor Monti, the author of Journey To Find The Perfect Partner Forever, your relationship queries? Use our form to submit your question or send an email.
Question:
Over Christmas and the New Year I decided to look at happier times when I wasn’t single, because I heard from an old boyfriend.
I was shocked that the men I dated no longer appealed to me visually, including the ex-boyfriend who wanted to meet up for a Christmas drink that I brushed off.
Am I being shallow by judging men on looks, and is that the reason that I’ve been single for nine months?
L, Manchester Parish
Love Doctor’s Answer:
There are a plethora of reasons why you have remained single, which could include preferring the single life, you aren’t emotionally available for a relationship, being wary because the break-up of your previous partnership deeply hurt you, or simply that you remain in love with your last boyfriend.
It sounds like the reason you haven’t been able to unearth a serious romance over the past nine months was because you have acted like numerous men, by heavily relying on good looks to determine your next partner.
Only those deemed to be universally stunning would ever be involved in meaningful relationships if romance was solely about smoking good looks.
SHALLOW SOUL
You don’t want to be a shallow soul by only communicating and flirting with men who can turn your head. Love and romance is not just about looks, because good looks will fade over time, whereas good character will remain.
The fact that you no longer found any of your exes attractive looking is more to do with your change in taste, which occurs every seven years and in relationships is commonly referred to as the seven-year itch.
These previous partners may have seemed to be the best thing ever at the time. Now you’re also seeing them in a different light. rather than the person who doted on you while giving you their wholehearted attention and devotion. These photos of you with former flames may have been happy times, but another reason you weren’t drawn to them is probably because familiarity breeds contempt.
We all evolve, both in terms of looks and attitude. If you weren’t committed to meeting an ex-boyfriend, then maybe it was best to dismiss his offer for a Christmas rendezvous unless he’s on your mind and is a genuine Mr Nice
Guy.
FINE WINE
You’ve been dismissive with exes, yet many men can improve with age like fine wine. Although there’s going to be such threats to them as thinning hair, middle-age spread and wrinkles. Surprisingly for some men these factors don’t always dent their confidence and self-esteem, because they possess strong characteristics and positive traits.
When you feel ready for your next relationship then try not to judge each man within a matter of seconds because of his looks or attire. We live in a world where most people demand instant results, but you need to unearth the unique character of any potential partners before letting a romance develop.
As you sound picky then you definitely need to give men an opportunity with two to three dates to learn about them as a complete person. The initial attraction can easily fade after the initial date, but a man may soon appeal to you because you appreciate his character.
LOVE YOURSELF
I would urge you to utilise your time as a singleton by upgrading both your looks and hobbies. Being able to love yourself by giving your life and looks a bit of a makeover will help you to prepare for a romantic relationship, by feeling and appearing more confident. People will find you approachable, and indeed attractive, when you possess an air of confidence.
Your dilemma states “happier times when I wasn’t single”, which implies that you would like to find the perfect partner forever. So your new year’s focus should be on unearthing a new boyfriend, and going beyond good looks.
You might be a dreamer when it comes to finding the perfect man, but being single for nine months could easily double or triple if you don’t do something about it. You really don’t want to be resigned to being left on the shelf if you’re unhappy already at being a singleton.
BECOME NOTICEABLE
You need to get yourself out there if you’re hoping to find someone who could potentially complete your life. Become noticeable within the right kind of environment to meet potential suitors. It definitely sounds like it’s time to polish and fine-tune your flirting skills.
You could even surprise the ex-boyfriend who took the trouble to contact you and arrange a rendezvous. When it’s appropriate ask him to give you some reasons why he dated you, these compliments should give your confidence a lift if he refers to your character as well as the way you look.
However, make it clear to him that the past has gone and you’re happy to just be friends rather than try to rekindle your former romance. You are best to collectively evaluate what went wrong and what lessons you learned rather than try to turn back time unless you believe you two are soul mates when you meet up.
TRUE SELF
Boosting your confidence is so much better than looking desperate. Most good men will be able to easily if you reek of desperation, while those sort of men to avoid will take advantage of this transparent disheartenment.
Good looks and great personalities are not always guaranteed, so I urge you to stop only seeking the best looking men. Not every man can reflect his true self on the outside, so you should try delving deeper into the character because you could easily unearth a real gem.
At the end of the day, the best gift we can ever give anyone that we love — affectionately or romantically — is our time.
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