Can I Offer An Olive Branch For Walking Out?
Why not send former Kingston-resident Love Doctor Monti, the author of Journey To Find The Perfect Partner Forever, your relationship queries? Use our form to submit your question or send an email.
Question:
It’s been virtually two years since I split up with my boyfriend, who I really loved and I still do. I packed my bags and left without telling him, because I felt a bit trapped, and we’ve not spoken since.
I’m a more rounded person now and I want to apologise to him. I realise he’s not a monk and that he’s probably with another gal. I’m single and want to beg for his forgiveness, but how?
A, Savanna la Mar
Love Doctor’s Answer:
You immediately mention that you still love your ex-boyfriend, but is it down to feeling lonely during this holiday season?
To be frank this appears to be cruel behaviour from you by sneaking off without explanation, like a thief in the night, even if you felt “a bit trapped”. Surely he deserved more than that in the relationship, especially as it sounds as though you lived under the same roof.
I’m surprised that there’s been zero communication between the two of you. Maybe you blocked him, or perhaps he was so devastated that he failed to make contact.
An apology seems in order and, as it’s almost two years since you did your disappearing act, then he should no longer be angry and hurt. He will have already been on an emotional rollercoaster ride, as would you, during the first 12 months.
I’m unsure why you’ve not spoken to each other since the break-up, because it’s always advisable to seek closure in order to move forward. Closure needs to be your ultimate goal, although you clearly state that you still love him and may actually be trying to rekindle your failed relationship.
You need to undertake some soul searching to determine what you truly wish to achieve, and be honest to yourself as to whether this is purely a selfish act or a selfless act.
With your objective firmly fixed, the next step is to attempt to find out his relationship status before you make contact. You don’t wish to make things worse if he’s super loved up, engaged or married. Tread with trepidation in this respect.
Undertake some research on his social media platforms, but be prepared for him to have found an upgrade. You could always contact a few of his friends, but only the ones that you can trust not to reveal the fact that you’ve been making enquiries.
Once you’re armed with this relevant information, and feel confident to make the first move, then you need to explore the best ways to make contact with your former flame without being immediately rebuffed.
If either of you have been silly enough to block any communication channels, then you may discover that this immature behaviour has resulted in both of you blocking each other.
If that’s the scenario, which I strongly suspect by the sounds of things, then it’s probably best to obtain a new temporary phone number and set up a second WhatsApp number. With your new WhatsApp please ensure that you add an up-to-date photo, certainly not one of you with your ex-boyfriend, and include in your details your name and a new email address so he doesn’t think it is a cruel hoax.
By sending a WhatsApp message you should be able to determine whether your message has been delivered and read. Your message should follow the two-one theory, which means sending a couple of positives before going for the kill and the true reason for making contact out of the blue.
Keep your message down to three short sentences, try to avoid the word “I” like your dilemma question as you want to convey a message just about you.
Write two positives about your ex-boyfriend, ideally good traits and definitely not anything about his looks, and follow it with the final sentence explaining how sorry you were to cause him despair and heartache. Don’t mention about meeting up at this stage.
If he responds then you’ve managed to easily prise open the communication channels.
He may send you a horrible response, which if he does please don’t take to heart. You can still reply using the two-one strategy, and this time the last sentence needs to clarify that you would like to draw a line under your relationship and get closure by explaining why you ran out on him. This should be enough to encourage him to meet up, and should be in a public place that doesn’t serve alcohol.
You need to accept that you two are history should your previous partner determine that closure is for the best, and he wants to hear an apology from you face-to-face. You had your chance and you blew it, so you need to shake off your regret of walking away from a man that you still love.
Should there be no response from your ex-boyfriend after a week, you can always follow up to your first message in the same vein by offering to disclose the reasonings for breaking up almost two years ago.
If you are only offering an olive branch because you want to reignite the spark between you, then it’s best to avoid watching sugar-coated Christmas movies.
Instead spend a short while compiling a list about your previous relationship. On this list you need to be spontaneous and write five positives about your time together, as well as five things that you would have changed if you were still together.
Revisit this list after at least 10 minutes to see which aspects could effectively cancel each other out, and cross these out to generate an abbreviated list. Carefully examine what remains, as this is a reality check. You’ll know deep down whether the relationship is salvageable or not from this list.
Please don’t be under any illusions that your ex-boyfriend will be overjoyed to hear from you after such a long time, he’s bound to be on his guard. Yet he may well be highly delighted if he believes you were true soulmates, and meeting up could potentially feel as though you had never parted.
However, he could be totally disgusted that you’ve reached out because he became so disillusioned by your actions. His reaction will be very apparent if there’s any form of resentment between you, in which case you’ll best to let sleeping dogs lie.
Trying to initiate contact after virtually two years is unusual, but it’s definitely worthwhile for you to be able to draw a line under your former loving relationship. Closure offers you peace of mind.
If you can’t sort out meeting up, your best way to tackle closure is to file him away. Go through all of your photos you have with him on your cellphone, computer and tablet.
Delete the images you don’t like, and get those you like printed. When you have all of these photos of you two during happier times, simply place them into a box and hide it away. You’ll feel a huge burden off your shoulders is lifted, allowing you to move forward with your romantic life.
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