Can I Kiss My Problem Goodbye?
Why not send former Kingston-resident Love Doctor your relationship queries? Use the form to submit your question(s).
Question:
I’ve just started dating a woman who looks as hot as hell. My issue is that she is not any good at kissing, because she is just way too aggressive.
I mentioned this to my closest friends, who assured me that bad kissers will turn out to be bad between the sheets.
I’m not convinced that we have a future together as the kisses are terrible, and they haven’t improved since we began dating in mid-August. What should I do?
T, St. James
Love Doctor’s Answer:
It is not uncommon for kissing to initially go wrong when you have just met someone. It can seem uncomfortable when you’re first kissing someone, with the attraction soon waning if it doesn’t feel right.
The endorphins derived from kissing are important as it helps to maintain your interest in each other. If there is a real chemistry and connection you can often feel your heart skip a beat. I personally have experienced the feeling of my heart doing somersaults from kissing, but that really is a rarity for couples.
In your scenario it is tricky to determine exactly what you mean when you refer to the fact that she is a bad kisser, aside from being overzealous. Kissing is a two-way experience, so you shouldn’t use the blame game on her alone.
My advice is not to ditch her on the strength of her kissing, because you were interested in her romantically. You do sound a little shallow by calling her “as hot as hell”. It appears that this may just be lust for you, rather than developing a meaningful relationship, because you also refer to “between the sheets” despite being a new romantic interest.
If you believe that a loving relationship could develop then take a step back and start to focus on her needs rather than yours.
To start with then explore how you can make your kissing an enjoyable experience for you both. To get the ball rolling you should deal with the style of her kissing, which you currently find too aggressive.
Ask her directly how she would like to be kissed, and where aside from her lips — down her arms, earlobes, back of her neck, hands, wrists etc. Hopefully she will also ask you, which is when you can seize the opportunity to inform her that you prefer gentle rather than intense kisses.
Asking about her needs takes your partnership to a higher level, because you are displaying empathy and trust by checking on her feelgood factors for this basic sign of affection.
You should suggest that you try out some kissing techniques, which offers a chance for you to read her body language movements. This will help you to agree on the style of kisses that make you both happy.
As you are in the early stages of a romance, then I would urge you to keep down the tongue action until you feel that the relationship can develop into a fruitful partnership.
It does make sense that if kissing is not thrilling you then any bedroom antics may not be as enjoyable as you would expect because your desire is absent.
There is no hard evidence, just individual experiences, that a bad kisser makes a bad lover. That’s all in the head rather than in reality. Maybe your friends were joking around, or simply don’t see you two together so are trying to be protective in a subtle manner.
Slow kissing, rather than going full out aggressively, is ideal at the start of any romance. It sounds like she is launching herself at you as maybe she is insecure because her previous relationship ended badly. Maybe she has a point to prove and is simply trying to please you too much.
Pay attention to the way that you both tilt your head, because you may discover that one of you is uncomfortable the way kissing is currently being tackled. Maybe one of you is left-handed, which can cause some initial issues.
This is because lefties tend to tilt their head to the left to initiate a kiss, whereas right-handed people are more likely to tilt their head to the right when kissing.
Kissing is akin to dancing. You should consider your partner’s movements and take it in turns to lead with your lips. Be considerate about how much pressure to exert, how often you kiss and the surroundings.
Once you have that awkwardness out of the way, you two won’t be as nervous with each other. Smoothing out your smooching, which displays good communication and trust, should help turn your kissing experience from what sounds like dread into making it a magical moment every time.
It’s down to you whether to throw the towel in and end this newish relationship, but if you do then follow the two-one rule in psychology of handing her two positives about your brief romance before you deliver the knockout blow of ending it. It is vital that you never badmouth her if you split up, especially about this displeasing kissing experience.
On the other hand, if you wish to give things a whirl there is light at the end of the tunnel. By reigniting the initial spark between you with improved kissing, you will both become naturally aroused. It’s up to each of you to keep the fire burning to take the relationship further when you are each ready for intimacy and passion in the bedroom.
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