Should I Go For A Love Match Too? Help Me Love Doctor
Why not send former Kingston-resident Love Doctor your relationship queries? Use the form to submit your question(s).
Question:
I’ve noticed that a lot of the female tennis aces are having babies and continuing their career.
I’ve just turned 40 and childless. Should I tell my partner of three years that I could take a year off work to have a baby?
I’ve always focused on my career. I’m worried that by cornering him into fatherhood, and ultimately marriage, that it will make him run away. What’s the solution?
Candida, Westmoreland
Love Doctor’s Answer:
As you have reached a special birthday milestone, you are panicking about your age and whether this is the last chance saloon for you to become a mother.
There’s no particular biological age to stop you falling pregnant in your 40s, just that you won’t be as fertile to conceiving a child as you were in your 20s and 30s.
General studies have shown that delayed motherhood, for those aged 40+, tends to increase longevity so that’s one aspect that’s positive news. Although there are some negative aspects too.
It sounds like a knee-jerk reaction of you having the desire to become a first time mother. Yes the global superstars in the professional tennis circuit can have a baby and take a year out, but they are earning big bucks so they won’t really notice a lack of income for 12 months.
There’s absolutely nothing wrong with being career-minded, as long as it gives you satisfaction as you reach your goals. Your life is not empty as you have a loving partner, but you are scared that he will vanish should you push for having a baby.
If he is the sort of man that cannot be relied upon, then your future together sounds rocky. You should examine the reasons that you are a couple, and whether you can grow older together in unison.
My first piece of advice is to find out from your employer about maternity leave, and how much time you can take off as well as the income you would receive.
Taking into account the budget of having a baby is important, but in reality if everyone did that then virtually nobody would ever become parents.
If you are serious about parenthood, and this isn’t just a midlife crisis you are experiencing, then I suggest you speak candidly to your partner. There’s nothing to fear by discussing the subject with him.
I would urge you to prepare a surprise candlelit dinner one weekend, and then broach the subject.
It’s obviously best to tread carefully by initially asking what he wants from the relationship on a long-term basis, then for you to throw out the words ‘baby’ and ‘marriage’.
If you can get these keywords into the conversation organically then you can gauge from his reaction, especially through body language, his train of thought.
He may be delighted that you brought these subjects up, because he may have thought you simply wished to concentrate on your career.
On the other hand he may be overwhelmed by you boldly considering some form of commitment, or he may simply be happy for your relationship to drift on without any real purpose.
You need to have some direction in any loving partnership with both of you working towards some goals. So upping the ante, having a proper conversation to examine your relationship moving forward is your best bet.
My theory is that men are like cats and ladies are like dogs. By that I am referring to the fact that cats are only interested in affection and food, so tend to be disloyal as they are independent creatures. Dogs want attention and love, they then become loyal and are committed to their owner.
Your scenario does sound like it could be a midlife crisis. However, by talking to the man you trust, fully examining why your relationship works and considering any future changes should strike the right balance.
Planning for the future is a fundamental human need in any meaningful relationship, so your relationship needs nurturing if you are going to grow together on a long-term basis.
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