Why not send former Kingston-resident Love Doctor your relationship queries? Use the form to submit your question(s).
My partner for the past few months is not making the same type of effort as she did at the start. Whenever I query this she just shrugs it off and states that she doesn’t see what she is doing wrong.
I’m also considering buying a house and appreciate that she isn’t in the financial position to help, so worry about the future.
I don’t wish to be trapped in a miserable cycle with her, so I’m wondering whether to continue this relationship or call it quits.
Leon Ponie, St Mary
Love Doctor’s Answer:
Finding genuine long-term love is never easy, and maintaining that level of affection and commitment often falls apart within the first year.
Unfortunately it appears that your ‘honeymoon period’ is well and truly over. No longer are you lusting over each other like a rash because the hormones have settled down, and so the excitement of being in love has worn off.
For a potential partnership to blossom then a deep connection rather than intimacy is required. It sounds as though her respect towards you is fast evaporating, and on top of that the communication skills necessary for a relationship to flourish are sadly lacking.
Maybe it is something that you did or said to her that is causing her to be more distant from you all of a sudden. Couples tend to lose respect for each other by saying something personal when they should have kept a lid on things.
Whenever the deep trust is lost then this often ignites the start to the end of a loving relationship, which sounds like the case for you two.
As neither of you are making each other happy then I would urge you to suggest sitting down and talking about the relationship. Explain to her that you believe things have moved backwards and ask how she feels. This is a great get out of jail card to play, and you can act accordingly once she has expressed herself.
Seeds of doubt
An expression that I’ve always adhered to has been “If in doubt go without”. You are obviously having doubts about this lady and admitted that the current situation is “miserable”.
Before you approach her about discussing the situation you need to consider what has made this scenario so bad. Are you the same man that she met and was so enamoured with or have you altered?
It certainly sounds as neither of you are in love with each other any more. My advice is to make a break up comfortable and walk away from this relationship that is only causing you misery.
If you don’t deal with this now then the relationship will drift on and become unhealthy for both of you. It could even turn toxic. All of the time that you are with the wrong person takes away the potential time that you could be spending with the right person.
You need to determine whether this is just a blip for whatever reason, whether it is family, financial, health or work reasons. The big question is would either of you really miss each other if you split up?
It sounds as though you feel that you are being neglected by this lady. Yet you choose to keep her in your life for the simple reason that there would otherwise be a gap in your romantic life.
When couples are together and realise that they have a solid future then they can overcome most obstacles. You are wondering if there is a future with this woman in the early stages of your romance, which does not bode well.
Ask yourself whether you pine to see her and desire to spend time with this lady? If not then this relationship is on a downward spiral. It is going to come crashing down with a bang unless you halt it to ensure damage limitation.
On the other hand, if both of you could alter to get things back on track, then with some extra effort you can rescue this relationship.
Communication is key
Before you decide on the potential next stage on this seemingly doomed journey of love you must sit down and communicate your feelings to her, and more importantly listen to what she has to say.
If you both wish to build the foundations for your romantic journey then there must be desire, excitement and intimacy. Long-term love needs to include the three Cs – caring, commitment and (good) communication. By utilising all of these then this you can rekindle and stabilise your relationship.
However, it sounds like you no longer have the desire for a long-term future together, and don’t seem particularly upset if the relationship ended. This indicates that you are not being the same caring man you were at the start of your relationship, so should accept this and either encourage personal growth as a couple or end this ailing romance.
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