Why not send former Kingston-resident Love Doctor your relationship queries? Use the form to submit your question(s).
I’ve been asked to be a ‘Beard’ for a prestigious event as a double date with my bestie.
I definitely fancy this man, but should I go as I don’t want my heart hurt?– V, Westmoreland
Love Doctor’s Answer:
Being a ‘Beard’ means that you’re providing cover for this man’s homosexuality. It sounds as though you are romantically attached to him, especially as you refer to him as your best friend, but these feelings will never be reciprocated.
If you are pinning your hopes on changing his sexual preference, or wanting to settle down and live happily ever after, then ultimately you are going to get hurt.
However, there are many couples who end up together with the lady living a lie as a ‘Beard’. If that is what happens in the long-term then it all depends upon your agreement in such a relationship. At least you have him as your bestie, which is a terrific start.
It can work out well when some women take on the role of a wife or prominent girlfriend as a ‘Beard’ for a man who adores her as a friend. But would you be happy pandering to his demands to be seen with him as a conspiracy to hide the truth?
He is covering up the fact that he is committed to the same gender, so you are most unlikely to be fully satisfied in this relationship. If you are the jealous type or insecure then down the line you are going to get hurt.
However there are a plethora of benefits from being seen to be involved with such a man, if you can keep his sexuality secret, such as financial support and social prestige.
Before you decide whether you wish to accept this invitation, you must establish whether this is a one-off get together or the start of living a lie as his long-term ‘Beard’.
You will always have impulses, but we live in a civilised society with certain rules and expectations.
If you go ahead for this rendezvous then that would make you what is known in slang terminology as a simp. In other words a foolish person who will do way too much for the person that they like romantically.
A simp tends to have a change of personality when around the person that they have feelings for, despite this not being not returned. Does this sound like you?
I suggest that you think long and hard about the pros and cons of colluding in this type of deception and accept the reality of such duplicity. Would you be happy spending time with a man who will always deny you a full-on loving relationship?
You could be tempted to drape yourself all over him, but deep down he is giving you the brush off. This dishonesty may not cause any problems if this is a one-off arrangement, but if it is the start of a partnership then it has the potential to hurt not just you but plenty of others.
My advice is not to be impetuous if you are worried about getting emotionally hurt, despite the fact that he is your bestie.
You need to comprehend that he would be using you to quash any speculation about his sexual orientation by having you on show as a ‘Beard’. You would need to be on your toes at this prestigious event and stay razor sharp if you both want to keep up appearances.
I believe that as you like this man romantically, then each time he needs you then you could become hot and bothered. This could mean that you will always make yourself available.
Do you really want to be seen as a simp when he clicks his fingers and be his saviour by coming to his rescue to perform this chicanery?
Instead of spending time with the wrong man, I suggest that you concentrate on spending invaluable high-quality time with the right man who can return the favour of being in love.
Long-lasting love is magical. It is intoxicating when you are both involved affectionately, romantically and sexually.
Some women are happy to commit to such a man despite knowing that sexual intimacy is absent. It can work out, however ridiculous it may seem to others.
If the two of you are dedicated enough then there is no reason why a long-term relationship with you as a ‘Beard’ cannot be fulfilling. It sounds as though the pair of you could develop such a partnership because you already have laid down the foundations as best friends.
My advice, as you state that you don’t want to have your heart hurt, is to consider this a close shave and avoid being involved in this deceit. Unless you both desire a long-term arrangement and believe you could find genuine happiness in such a fraudulent partnership, in which case this could be the start of something beautiful.
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