Why not send former Kingston-resident Love Doctor your relationship queries? Use the form to submit your question(s).
My friends keep telling me that I’m getting friend zoned. I need to understand what that is and why it happens.
Can you provide some chat-up lines for me to flirt myself out of that corner?
Mr C, Spanish Town
Love Doctor’s Answer
If you are constantly finding yourself stuck in this ‘friend zone’ then you definitely need to change your tactics, and ask yourself why this keeps happening.
Maybe when you arrange a date try calling it a rendezvous instead, which sounds more romantic than asking a lady to hang out.
Familiarity breeds contempt, and leads to the slow death of romance. If you and your love interest are set in a pattern of regularly hanging out, but are making zero progression towards a relationship, then no doubt you are indeed stuck in a friend zone.
My advice is that you should aim to never contact any women in a nonchalant matter, such as leaving it until late in the evening to suggest meeting up. This kind of approach, which is commonplace across Jamaica and the rest of the Caribbean, is far too casual and will often make any lady feel like an after thought.
I suggest that you should instead plan in advance any potential dates. Make her feel special by making the effort and offering her some options, at least two, about where and when to meet so that she realises you are serious and considerate.
If you take the time to research some events that are going on, and then suggest them, there is a strong possibility that she will realise that you are interested in her romantically without you worrying that it is just as friends.
And make it blatantly clear from your attire, on your date, that it is not just a casual catch up as friends. You need to make an effort, a good woman will always notice a well groomed man.
You should focus on adding some personalised conversation during your rendezvous, by finding out her interests – social media is a good start, but don’t let on otherwise you could sound creepy. Just find out her tastes in music, travel, tv shows etc and research these so that you can subtly drop these topics into conversation.
I suggest that on your rendezvous you really do concentrate on the lady, with you undertaking around 70% listening and 30% talking. Ask the questions, but patiently listen to her answers, and avoid questions that could offer a yes or no.
If she finds out too much about you on your first date then you could easily find her swerving a second date, for the simple reason that she already knows enough about you. I suggest that you try to remain mysterious, which will help turn your rendezvous into a date rather than being a friend zone meeting. She will want to learn more about you, but not all in one foul swoop.
Maybe you have been failing to follow up your friend zone dates by giving her a wide berth of silence, which is disrespectful and to me strongly indicates that it was not a serious date in the first place. One of the key words used in Jamaica, and needs applying in every aspect of life, is respect.
You must never disappear off the radar after an initial date, regardless of how it went. She has friends, and you never know who she may be friends with – such as your future love interest. It is vital to keep your reputation intact for being a true gentleman, even if your date went horribly wrong and giving her the silent treatment did seem appropriate.
Should you find yourself in a flirt-free zone during your dates, then you definitely need to inject some flirty fun to spice up the evening. I prescribe a large dose of flirting into any of your date nights.
Knowing when to subtly touch and/or brush her body will show that you like your date, and if she does the same then you will be smiling as generally speaking no lady will physically touch a man unless she likes him. However, liking and being romantically interested are very different, so learn to understand this and act accordingly with respect.
Other signs relating to body language of attraction need to be noted on and acted on. If you need more information about these then feel free to email me ([email protected]).
Typical friendly teasing and joking around with each other is a popular flirting technique, and as you asked about chat-up lines then check these 10 quirky ones out:
– Are you religious? It’s just that you seem to be the answer to all of my prayers;
– Do you believe in love at first sight? Or shall I walk past again?;
– I’d say God Bless you, but it appears that he already did;
– If I ask you on a date, will your answer be exactly the same as your answer to this question?;
– I’m going to have to ask you to leave because you are making the other girls here look really bad;
– I’m not really this tall, it is just that I’m sitting on my wallet;
– Is that man bothering you? (Point to your wingman, and she is most likely to reply ‘No?’) In that case would you mind if I bothered you?;
– There’s something wrong with my cellphone… it doesn’t have your number in it;
– Was that an earthquake tremor or did you just rock my world?, and;
– You’re pretty and I’m cute, so together we’d be pretty cute.
Now that you are armed with information about arranging bona fide dates, some flirting skills and a handful of chat-up lines then I expect you to concentrate on the ladies in future.
My advice is to focus on smartening yourself up for dates, smell good and age appropriate plus practice your smile in the mirror so that you know you are a turn on rather than a turn off.
Genuine smiles, listening rather than talking, asking questions about her interests/work/family and nodding your head when she tells you will work wonders.
Sincere compliments to her friends will demonstrate attention and kindness that should help melt her heart as well as have her galpals liking you. But ensure that any exchanges (emails, messages and photos) between you and your date only occur between the two of you.
Time to get back out there, be chivalrous – such as holding the door open, getting to know her parents and taking the time to earn their trust and approval, walking on the outside of the pavement, walking her to the door after a date and so forth – will be the icing on the cake and should help secure you a place in the right lady’s heart rather than in her friend zone.
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