I Was Sexually Harassed At Work – Dear Love Doctor

Why not send former Kingston-resident Love Doctor your relationship queries? Use the form to submit your question(s).

Question: 

I’m in a very tricky situation. I’m a middle aged man with a very good job in the technology industry.

Our company has recently been acquired by a competitor, and as such there has been a merger of employees across both companies. I recently had a new director in charge of my operation. My issue is that this director has made advances on me twice in recent months.

  

On the first occasion he almost brushed his hand against my private area after a staff meeting. I ignored it and passed it off as an obvious mistake.

The second occasion was when a few of us in management had to go into the office to sign documents. On my way out I stopped to use the restroom. To my surprise the door burst open and in came this man. He walked over to the urinals and instead of using any one of the five other free urinals, he decided to use one right next to me. As I was zipping my pants up to leave he reached out and touched my private area and made a crude comment about the size of my manhood. I pushed him away, and almost punched him in the face.

I’ve never been in a situation like this before, which has left me angry and humiliated.

I believe this man is vindictive enough to put my job at risk, but what can I do in this situation?

Bob, Canada

Love Doctor’s Answer:

The fact that he manhandled your ‘instrument’ shouldn’t be ignored, and this really is an issue for the HR department to investigate.

  

If you choose to ignore reporting this then at a later date questions will be raised about why you failed to report your allegations of sexual harassment.

HR will be fully aware that all employers have a duty of care to protect their workers and will be held legally liable for sexual harassment in the work place if they haven’t taken some form of reasonable steps to prevent it.

My advice is to visit HR asap, they will be keen to examine your evidence as they will want the new business partnership to flourish and not allow any of their management to behave in an unprofessional manner.

Then try to subtly find out about this man’s sexual preferences, which is easy enough on social media and usually by viewing office photos on display that depict his loved one, which will back up your allegations.

You should also start to discretely watch his body language towards others when your paths cross, and you may find that he is trying it on with others.

Ask colleagues what they know and think of this man, but don’t mention your two allegations as this is a private matter between you and HR.

As you won’t want to be teased for attracting a man and will wish to maintain your well-paid role within the company then taking the wait and see if it happens again approach will be extremely dangerous yet very tempting – especially as your sexual harassment allegations are difficult to prove without witnesses.

It is entirely up to you whether to report this matter, which is advisable, or whether you prefer to forget it and move on.


 

Question:

My girl is giving me grief big time over the lockdown and she gives me nothing in the bedroom anymore because of the Coronavirus outbreak.

  

I need intimacy, but what’s the solution?

Jason, Mandeville

Love Doctor’s Answer:

If your relationship is solely based on bedroom antics then this doesn’t bode well for a long-term romance.

You have the desire and sexual urges, but because of the Coronavirus threat your partner understandably has good reason to fear intimacy at this time.

Unfortunately for you, obviously sexually frustrated, she isn’t about to overcome this psychological barrier about physical touch swiftly.

Your best bet is to talk frankly to her and explain that you believe that you have a big sexual appetite that needs fulfilling. If she loves you and cares then she will be delighted that you revealed your honest feelings to her, ladies tend to appreciate a man who offers integrity.

There are a number of ways to get you excited without physical touch, so undertake some online research to discover the options that you think she may be receptive to with you. You must show courage by picking three of these and make a suggestion to her about the one that would satisfy you the most. If she doesn’t like option you have a backup plan of two other suggestions.

You really want to avoid going down the route of pleasuring yourself by watching adult movies or clips, which in effect is cheating on her.

Your best solution is perhaps cell phone sex, and hopefully your sexual frustration will be resolved.

  

Should your lady not be at all interested in helping you become sexually satisfied then it is time to draw a line under the relationship and move on. You can always seek a new partner through an online group where role play over cell phone (often referred to sexting) is commonplace in order to find a lady who is more compatible with you on a physical level.


 

Question:

I’ve succumbed to join a dating site and have been doing some online flirting but how do I know whether these men like me?

Tania, Grand Cayman

Love Doctor’s Answer:

Digital dating has numerous pitfalls, most notably whether the person you are communicating with is genuine.

Rather than dwell on the negative aspects let’s concentrate on a responsible reply to your query to help guide you towards a potential romance by reading digital flirting language.

The main factor that is transparent if a person is keen on you is if they often send you messages that are personalised, not a cut ‘n’ paste job that he has sent to dozens of ladies. Look out for at least two personal touches in messages.

When you discover one that you really feel that you have a connection with then test him to ensure that you are on his list of priorities by ensuring that he always finds time to reply.

If he’s into you then he should respond swiftly, and apologise and/or let you know in advance when he is unavailable to chat.

  

If a potential suitor likes you then another telltale sign is that he will be accommodating when it comes to your choice of platform to communicate away from the dating app you are both using.

If emojis and GIFs become more loving over time then you don’t need to be a detective to realise that he has become hooked on you and you’ve made it into his extra special zone.

The final sign, until it is obvious that he really likes you, is whether he keeps the conversation going and replies to everything you ask him. By giving you time and attention.

The best way to quantify this is whether he greets you good morning and good night. If he does and it is personal, not just ‘sweet dreams sexy’, plus he also makes the effort to have a short conversation with you then you have hooked his heart so are both ready to convey your feelings towards each other.


 

Question:

My ex is living with her boyfriend, but she wants to meet up with me for a coffee. I’m apprehensive as I don’t want to lead her on.

What’s your advice?

J, Jamaica

Love Doctor’s Answer:

Your ex is history for a reason, yet you’ve obviously not banished her to the history books otherwise the two of you wouldn’t be in communication. And she is in your heart as you state that you don’t wish to lead her on even though she was the one who made the suggestion to meet up.

  

Her request could be a cry for help as her latest relationship isn’t working out, and she knows that you are reliable and caring. She may even wish to rekindle your relationship, but are you ready for that?

On the other hand she may be wanting either closure with you as she wants to move on with her life, so wants to tell you in person that her latest flame is the one – maybe she wishes to tell you that she is getting engaged. Could you cope with that development?

You should initially establish whether her new beau agrees to her meeting with you, which then throws light as to whether she is ecstatically in love with him or whether it is a secret.

From her response you can then take a calculated decision as whether you wish to meet up with her or not.

She is the one requesting a rendezvous so you aren’t giving her false hopes, rather your imagination is running wild and you sound as though you believe that you are irresistible to her. Be aware that your dreams could come crashing down with a bang if she tells you that her boyfriend knows that you two are meeting for an innocent coffee.

Think of how you would feel from the two scenarios. Would you accept that she is happy and planning to get married? Would you be ready to jump back into a relationship with her that failed the first time?

Decide whether you want to punish yourself and be potentially hurt, as either of these scenarios are most likely to result in pain for you.

It sounds like you are excited about meeting up, but the most sensible step forward is to try to work out why the sudden rendezvous before you decide whether to meet up.

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