13 Ways to Know Your Man is Cheating

This list is meant as a satire. Not meant to be taken too seriously.

So unoo no bother cuss and galang bad. It ain’t the thirteen commandments. Not set in stone. And you must have some signs to share too, please do so in the comments section.

1. If he doesn’t spend his birthday, special holidays and occasions with you then chances are he’s cheating and you are the sidechick.

2. They say you can’t judge someone by their interactions with their phone. But a man who turns his phone off the moment he comes home or always has it on silent might be cheating. Another good indicator of a cheating man is one who rarely answers his phone when he is out. If his phone never rings around you or it’s on vibrate then rest assured it will be on silent when he is around her too.

3. He disappears sometimes for days to an unknown, non-specific location that is top secret. He is reluctant to tell you where he is and often gives some vague, flimsy excuse as to why he is conveniently unavailable. Yep chances are him  probably ‘lockdown’ with another girl. Hang up no baby am on a next call…

4. They say the average male cannot go more than a week without sex. If you haven’t seen your man in weeks then chances are he’s getting it elsewhere. He ain’t that good. Or maybe he caught an STD and he’s waiting for the treatment to “wear off”

5. If your man claims he lift something heavy and strained himself to explain why he is urinating blood. Chances are he got “shot”. One girl said her man told her he caught gonnorhea from lifting heavy equipment. A Venearal disease is a sure sign of cheating.

6. They say men who cheat are some of the most insecure and jealous men.  So if your man doesn’t trust you. Maybe it’s because he doesn’t trust himself.

7. Rumours abound. There is nothing that damages a relationship like “hearsay” but If more than one person comes to you with ” news” that your man is cheating with Mary. Chances are it’s true or as they say “near fe go so”. Don’t wait until Mary gets pregnant before you confirm it. An outside child is definitely a sure sign of cheating.

8. The other woman will let you know directly or indirectly. There is a high possibility that Mary will let you know too. Mateys always like to “show up themselves”. If she wants you to know, she will tell you. Don’t be mad at her. The only reason she thinks your man is her man is because he makes her feel like his woman. If he says they aren’t involved then why is she calling him for everything, from buying bread at the bakery to refilling  her gas. Yep! He’s her man too.

9. Mother says check his discharge. If he is spewing like a water from a hose them chances are he has been faithful but if he is dripping like the corner standpipe then he is definitely using up his semen. Note his time in the sack. If he’s quick chances are he ain’t ‘getting none’. You haven’t seen him in weeks and he’s going on and on like a stallion then he has been putting….

10. The man who doesn’t have any time for you. If he is not giving you attention then someone else has his. He is not interested. He doesn’t care. You are his spare tyre. Backup, layaway plan. Move on. Move up.

11. What he does when he comes home. Does he smell funky? Does he take a shower? Is he out for most of the night every night? Does he only come home to eat, bathe and sleep? Are you only getting money for the kids and food and nothing extra? Chances are someone else is getting it.

12. If you cannot show up at your man’s yard unannounced. If you have to make an appointment to see him. If you call him and he doesn’t answer but instead turns his phone off. If he gets upset when you visit his house, won’t let you in and rushes you back home then chances are there is someone inside or who lives in the vicinity very important to him. If something doesn’t feel right, it normally isn’t. Follow your intuition.

13. Cheaters lie for no reason at all. He can’t help it and if his stories don’t connect and he doesn’t remember what he told you. Chances are he was not doing what he said he was doing or isn’t where he said he is. Don’t nag him, just listen to him. A liar always messes up his storyline.

Yes men! We know it’s your penis and therefore you are free to share it as you please. Promiscuity is a notion many of you like to think is your birthright. However if you are going to cheat, always use protection. It might save your life and the life of others.

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