Should I Make A Move To Break The Silence?
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Question:
It’s been almost a year since my relationship crashed, but I remain cut up. I don’t want to explain the reasons why we broke up, because it was my fault.
We’ve not communicated since the split, but not blocked each other. I’ve been waiting for him to make contact, because he constantly told me that I was his favourite ever partner.
I’ve been on a few dates, but no one measures up to my former boyfriend. He was so caring, considerate, kind and a great lover. I wish we were back together.
Should I contact him next month, when it will be his birthday, to see if we can start a conversation that could result in meeting up?
B, Ocho Rios
Love Doctor’s Answer:
It’s very commendable that you are taking responsibility for your romantic relationship grinding to a halt. This is something that you need to relay to your former love interest if you want to have any chance of rekindling the partnership.
Obviously not revealing the reasons why you caused the split suggests that you badly broke the mutual trust between you, which is the first thing that needs to be repaired.
You praise your ex-boyfriend, and state that you were categorically his “favourite ever partner”. These are terrific building blocks if you want a second bite at the cherry.
Interestingly, it is after you mentioned going on dates that you list some of his characteristics. This indicates that you compared him to other men after realising that the grass is not always greener.
Before you embark on trying to prise open the channels of communication with your former beau, you need to discreetly find out about his current romantic situation. He could be involved with someone new, or you may not like the way he looks.
As you listed his character traits rather than physical attributes, you clearly value this man for his personality and the way that he has treated you when you were a couple.
On top of finding out about his romantic status, before rushing in you should write an impromptu list of the five best things about your partnership and five bad aspects.
You then should work out which positive cancels out which negative ones until you have a shortened list of good and bad, which will give you a different perspective on what you had.
CHANNELS OF COMMUNICATION
If he is unattached and the abbreviated list does not put you off, then it is time to calculate making initial contact with him. Although a birthday wish is a good starting point, ideally you should communicate just before.
The fact that neither of you have managed to make contact is not very promising. Maybe the collapse of your break-up caused too much anguish and pain, especially as you mention that you haven’t got over the split.
My advice is to think of some incredible times that you had together and narrow these down to two, but obviously nothing to do with his previous birthdays.
As you have not been blocked then generate two messages to send him. It is advisable to put them into draft, then rapidly fire them off one after the other.
If you use WhatsApp you can see if the message has been delivered, and generally if it has been read depending on the receiver’s settings.
PSYCHOLOGY TRICK HELP
Your first message needs to follow the two-one psychology trick where you send two positives followed by what you wish to convey.
As you don’t mention his physical attributes then maybe throw him a compliment. Avoid using the word “I” in these messages, because then you are wishing to show genuine care about him.
Something along the lines of:
“Hey handsome, was thinking about how you are doing as it’s been ages since we were in touch. Trust that life is treating you well and that you’re happy ‘n’ healthy. As it’s your birthday coming up soon, maybe we could catch up for you to receive your gift in person. Let me know if midweek or the weekend is best. B x”
Rather than leave it with a yes or no response from your ex-boyfriend, you’ve given him two options so are more likely to secure a reply.
Yet you already have a second message that needs to immediately follow your initial message, in order to throw him off guard and feel special to you.
GET THE BALL ROLLING
Your next message needs to offer him two options, and your bait is trying to relive a memory. His response will indicate whether there’s any chance of rekindling the love that you both experienced.
Write something similar to:
“We made some incredible memories during our wonderful time together, which will forever be treasured. We should definitely consider going to (insert somewhere you went) or doing (insert an activity), because they were just fabulous fun. B x”
For him to receive a message about a couple of happy memories will jolt his brain and remind him of your good times together. The fact that you have reached out with an olive branch could be all he needs to enter communication.
Generally speaking, the more you chase someone romantically the more they run away. There’s been no chasing, so an unexpected pair of messages should be your best solution to mending fences.
As you need to profusely apologise as you confess that it was your fault for the split, this should be saved for meeting in person. It should be tackled directly, again using the two-one psychology trick and avoiding the word “I”.
Once you have apologised in person for any wrongdoings, you will be able to read his body language to see if there’s any chance of you getting back together. Regardless, I urge you to take his hand or give him a hug following your apology.
BUILDING A FUTURE TOGETHER
You want to be seen as the good person, with whatever previously occurred being a one-off blip. You may be able to rekindle things, but it will require mutual commitment and respect as well as rebuilding this lost trust.
What happens next depends on whether there remains a physical attraction after being apart for so long, and the matter of finding correlative goals together.
If you are soulmates, there should be no problem in slowing mending your former meaningful relationship and focusing on the future.
Reaching out is definitely worth a shot because life is too short to let a genuine soulmate slip through your fingers, and you cannot wrap your arms around a memory.
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