How Do I Approach My Change Of Heart?
Why not send former Kingston-resident Love Doctor Monti, the author of Journey To Find The Perfect Partner Forever, your relationship queries? Use our form to submit your question or send an email.
Question:
I’m unhappy and angry with myself. Last year I stupidly left the best relationship I’ve ever had. My long-term boyfriend and I were so content, but I dumped him.
He’s a religious man and therefore we couldn’t live together unless we married or moved to another island. He was happy to up sticks and go to the Eastern Caribbean, but that scared me.
After he went away on business I really missed him like mad, and to keep busy I explored career opportunities. A week after he returned I initiated our split, and threw myself in chasing my dreams for work. None of my career aspirations I had developed.
I’m still hunting for the perfect job, and I am cross with myself for letting the perfect man slip through my fingers. I unfriended him on Facebook after the split because I didn’t want to see any posts of him with another woman.
My friends are bored of me talking about him so much this year, but he’s always on my mind. They’ve told me to reach out to him because I’m ready to finally settle down and would move with him on another island. What should I do?
M, Kingston
Love Doctor’s Answer:
You are paying the price for your decision, which at the time was the best decision so you really shouldn’t have regrets and be beating yourself up about this.
You obviously wish to repair the broken romantic relationship, but that could be easier said than done. You don’t mention what part of last year you split up, but if it was some considerable time ago then he may well have moved on from the pain of sudden heartache.
Before you contemplate reaching out to him, as your friends suggest, then I urge you to ask a couple of your most trusted friends to dig about on social media to see if he entered a new romance.
If he hasn’t then that will be more simplistic for you to send him a Facebook friend request, which will determine whether he wishes to re-open the channels of communication.
Should he readily accept you on Facebook, that paves the way to message him and strongly indicates that he would like to exchange messages. You should start off by apologising for your actions, briefly explaining why you exited his life when you were apparently “content” as a loving couple.
Then you must make the communication all about him, letting him know every now and again that you often think about him and that you treasure your time spent together as a happy couple. It is imperative to not make the conversation all about you and your needs.
SHORT CHATS
It’s best to approach him with short chats, and always with the two-one psychology method. That means you need to write two positive aspects about him, or you as a couple, before you add the one thing that you want each message to convey.
In your case it sounds like you need to meet him face-to-face, because you hold him dearly in your heart. However, you must not go straight in by stating that you miss him and would love to meet up. Instead show genuine interest in his current life and learn about what he’s been up to since the break-up.
If he still has feelings for you, and has managed to get over the heartache of your split, then you should consider whether he is emotionally ready to meet up.
If you get the opportunity to have a rendezvous, ensure that it is somewhere new so you don’t have memories there. Read his body language and don’t come across as desperate or like an overeager puppy dog.
WAITING GAME
It’s essential that you wait to meet in the flesh before discussing the fact that you’ve had a change of heart about potentially moving to another island. Like the game of poker, you don’t want to reveal your cards too early.
On the other hand you could be shocked and become even more upset should your friends report back to you that he has a new lady in his life.
Don’t despair if that’s the case, you simply have to ask your friends to find out how long he has been with this new love interest and whether it is serious. Life evolves after a loss, and many rejected people tend to enter a rebound relationship because they want to prove to themselves that they can be loved.
Once you have the relevant information, you won’t wish to cause him anguish so should 100% avoid sending him a Facebook friend request. Instead reach out to him one lunchtime, when he has a spare hour, with a short message to say hello.
TWO-ONE “TRICK”
He will no doubt be surprised to hear from you, and if his relationship is not going in the direction that he desires he will probably rapidly respond. He is probably not going to be super nice towards you, so definitely use that two-one psychology method for a softly-softly approach and send no more than three sentences.
Your best bet is to somehow mention that you are pleased to learn that he’s happy in a new relationship, even if you aren’t, and send positive messages. The Jamaican adage of “negative energy is a waste of energy” needs to be followed for all communication from you.
After a few messages your objective needs to be very direct, which is that you would like to meet him as long as it isn’t going to intrude on his latest romance.
Should he agree to meet then again I urge you to catch up somewhere new, there’s lots of swanky bars in Kingston hotels that boast a romantic, relaxing upmarket vibe. This would be a good incentive for him to try somewhere new, and also because your catch up is in most likely to be secret from his current squeeze because he wouldn’t wish to hurt her.
OFFER OPTIONS
Best to give him two options of where to meet, as giving him a choice is much more likely than sending him a message along the lines of “Want to meet up?”when hw would have to pick a simple yes or no.
You need to narrow down two or three fabulous moments from your previous relationship to reminisce about in person, and also try to wear or take with you any romantic gifts that he gave you.
Jolting his memory about the good times, and the fact that you still use gifts from him, will be to your advantage if you wish to win back his heart.
Should he admit that he is only dating to deal with the hurt from your break-up then you are given the green light to press the reset button. In that scenario it is vital to admit your flaws, and state that your next time together will be improved because you have learned from your mistakes.
STAY HUMBLE
Being humble and not pointing the finger of blame is essential if you want to get the ball rolling on being back together. For him to hear you admitting that you weren’t perfect should prompt him to also state that he wants to be a better man, and will ultimately also try to make you happy forever.
Yet you need to be prepared to find out that he has moved on in life, and he may explain that the only reason he is meeting you is for closure. If that’s the situation, wish him good luck for the future and you have to try to move on.
My book Journey To Find The Perfect Partner Forever will help guide you through the steps to start a new relationship, but only when emotionally available. The book also explains when you are ready for romance, and how to get rid of ghosts from the past, so you can be ready to enter a meaningful romance.
At the end of the day your former relationship can only really be salvaged, even if he does have a new partner, if you were genuine soul mates and he is willing to give it a second shot.
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