New Year Revelation Has Rocked Me
Why not send former Kingston-resident Love Doctor Monti, the author of Journey To Find The Perfect Partner Forever, your relationship queries? Use our form to submit your question or send an email.
Question:
My newish relationship was going great until I asked my boyfriend how he celebrated the last New Year. He told me that he had a romantic vacation on another Caribbean island.
I’m jealous because we’re only going to a family party. I’m also hurt that he mentioned he was with his ex-girlfriend.
I’ve been a bit off with him since I asked, because I’m unsure about what to do next? Do I forget his words or should I dump him?
S, Port Royal
Love Doctor’s Answer:
This was a reality check that he’s not quite over his previous relationship, from what you are stating, although I think he was just being blunt. You need to accept the fact that we all have a past, and should be grateful that he was honest with you.
In new relationships we sometimes ask a question and wish we hadn’t when we hear the answer. In that scenario it’s best to bite the bullet and quickly change the subject, rather than let one small piece of information eat us up.
No doubt you knew he was in a loving relationship before you, and if you had thought before you poised the question then you wouldn’t be in this predicament. You need to build some excitement in your partnership if you were hurt by his comments.
If he was being elaborate, reminiscing or rubbing it in your face about his New Year celebrations, then you have cause to criticise him. Otherwise you need to just take it on the chin and move on from his straight answer.
I urge you to think about how you welcomed the previous New Year, maybe you were romantically involved too. However, now’s not the time to go toe-to-toe with him by telling him what you did if you were with another man.
He was truthful about what he got up to, and you would have been very upset had he lied. As he was in a lose-lose situation after you probed him, you should give him a bit of slack rather than be cross.
Your attitude of being distant isn’t going to do you any favours, because this is potentially your first Christmas and New Year together. You should be embracing this time together rather than leave him perplexed by your brusqueness.
You admit that you’re feeling jealous, and that’s a trait you need to deal with because this won’t be the last time that you feel angry about someone’s past.
In my opinion he’s being a perfect gentleman by not whisking you off the island and repeating exactly what he did last New Year. He wants you to feel special and unique. You don’t want to simply fill someone’s shoes, you need to show him that you’re an upgrade from his ex and have different experiences.
The family party, you didn’t say whether it will be yours or his, provides the perfect opportunity for you to return to being the ever-doting girlfriend.
By being off-handed towards him could generate such a bad ambience that you spoil the party. Instead I suggest you exude enthusiasm and positive energy. Show him how much you care by being super attentive, and constantly give him hugs. The family will be delighted to see you as a happy couple.
You definitely need to follow the traditional Jamaican adage of “focus pon di future” and create new loving memories together, with this family party just the start. You can’t eradicate the past, instead of dwelling on anything that previously happened simply accept that you’ve each become the person that you are by experiencing former romances.
You two are in the early stages of a romance and there’s lots to learn about each other. But before firing questions, if you’re finding it tricky to ever hear about any ex-girlfriends, it’s best that you think about the potential answers and maybe not ask. He desperately doesn’t want to hurt you, and some answers could make him feel uncomfortable.
My advice, in order to draw a line under things, is for you to explain to him that you were taken aback by his honest answer about New Year. Tell him that you accept he was happy with another lady before you. Explain that you would like to not hear about any other former flames, and would prefer for him not to answer if there would be a mention of an ex-girlfriend.
If he agrees then you’ll be happier and he’ll be able to act insouciantly, without feeling that he has to tread on eggshells with you.
If you can’t manage to address this issue with him face-to-face, and all solid relationships require good communication to thrive, then sadly your partnership is doomed.
I’m surprised that you seem eager to potentially end your current relationship, which screams to me that you’re not particularly committed. Your boyfriend didn’t reveal something so shocking that the romance should grind to a halt, he was frank and sincere. Put yourself in his shoes, how would you have responded? Is this really worthy of a stick or quit scenario?
In respect to focusing on the future, utilise your New Year together to collectively build a bucket list of five things you would both like to do in 2025. Having the same interests and goals means you’ll be able to plan a wondrous 12 months achieving your bucket list.
Try making your party celebrations memorable for the right reasons and with positive energy, so that you’ll both have fantastic memories to reflect on whenever someone asks how you celebrated the last New Year.
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