How Do I Halt Being Compared To An Ex?
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Question:
My new girlfriend, of less than a month, keeps praising her previous boyfriend. This is really grating on my nerves and I’m unsure how to tackle it.
She constantly compares me to him, and I hate these digs. Apparently he was better looking, fitter, funnier, richer, stronger, taller etc. You name it and he was superior. My only advantage over him is that I’m slightly younger.
How do I prevent her from always going on about her wonderful ex and get her to concentrate on us?
Leroy, Montego Bay
Love Doctor’s Answer:
This sounds like an unfortunate scenario for you, and it appears that she’s yet to get over her previous romantic relationship. You have to face the reality that, if you won’t ever measure up to her seemingly fantastic ex-boyfriend, your romance is doomed.
My advice is to be direct the next time his name and traits are mentioned. Tell her that you would like to focus on your future together. Explain in no uncertain terms that you find it offensive to always be compared to him, and ask her what she likes about you.
You may be pleasantly surprised in how highly she values you, and it will give you something to build on. Be prepared to thank her for the nice things she says about you, and have a list of her characteristics (not physical looks) that you admire about her.
An exchange of positive words over why you are attracted to each other could encourage her to focus on you. She may be insecure and is just seeking the reassurance that you care about her, which you can reiterate once she praises you.
However, if she still yearns after him, rather than be willing to concentrate on your relatively new partnership, then drastic action is required. You need to either offer to help her get him back, suggest that you break things off or demand a break.
By giving her an ultimate you are firmly laying your cards on the table. If she is genuinely interested in making your relationship blossom then she will stop talking about this former beau.
You need to put the ball in her court, so she realises what she is saying is hurtful. If she is still hung up on this man then you have little choice but to walk away from a relationship that will never develop. To be frank her behaviour sounds beyond a joke, and needs to be nipped in the bud because if it continues it will only damage your self-esteem.
You don’t mention why things ended with her previous partner, but I would take a guess that he split up with her. If she values you then she will respect your feelings and give your romance a whirl.
Meaningful relationships require many elements, with an essential factor being mutual respect. This is something she is not currently offering.
I urge you to consider what is triggering her to talk so highly about her previous squeeze, and whether it is because of your words and actions or whether it is because she is not ready to move on.
She could just be saying these hurtful words in retaliation to what you are saying about any of your exes. So ensure that you don’t mention any former girlfriends unless she asks, and even then it is advisable to give a dismissive response of: “I don’t wish to think about my past, so I don’t want to talk about any exes”.
It is not that you have anything to hide, but you don’t want to waste time speaking about your past unless it is something important.
Bear in mind that it is always best to not down run any ex, otherwise that is disrespectful. By speaking badly about an ex-girlfriend will not bode well for any future romances, and your current squeeze will surely feel that you will not be kind about her should you ever break up.
In respect of offering to help her rekindle her former relationship, if you genuinely care for this lady and respect her then of course you want her to be happy. Even if that means that you are not on the scene. So be a gentleman and offer, because then she will respect you.
Reviving a romance is never going to be easy, although a second shot can be achieved if there was a genuine reason for the break-up and the two parties were soul mates. If this was not the scenario, then the former lovers will just be grasping at straws trying to recreate what they once had. Another go at romance is generally not as successful as the first time around, as a lot of the mystery between partners has vanished.
Returning to the arms of an ex is usually about the desperation of not wishing to be alone. However, this lady now has you in her life so it is strange that she is not apparently happy with your situation.
In all honesty it seems she considers you to be a downgrade. It is only worth pursuing a new loving relationship when the partner is an absolute upgrade, and the two parties are emotionally ready to move forward to let the romance grow.
If she simply cannot let go of the past, and her ex remains on her mind, then you have very little chance of making this new relationship work. In which case you should cut your losses and suggest a break or one of the other options I’ve mentioned.
It is up to you both whether going on a break would allow you to end your exclusivity and date others. It can work wonders for many people as you then miss each other, but on the other hand it can totally destroy the relationship.
Her reaction to a break could be a relief for her, or it could be a devastating blow if she was previously dumped by her former boyfriend and her heart remains in tatters. You need to gauge which of these scenarios they are when you deliver the news that your relationship is not working out as you originally envisaged.
Although you may be keen on her, being unable to fill someone’s shoes and capture this lady’s heart appears to be mission impossible from what you describe. At least this red flag has occurred early on in your romance, and is not something that suddenly appeared after a year or longer.
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