How Do I Read Red Flags Next Time?

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Question:

My last relationship ended two years ago. It was partly my fault for falling head over heels so quickly, and then ignoring the red flags.

Once we were seriously dating I put up with her hatful of untruths. I even overlooked my discovery that she had been handing out her number like sweets to any friendly single men.

Things got worse as she became angry if I spoke to any other woman, even though I only had eyes for her. It was only a matter of time before she would get the huff with me and leave our passionate relationship.

I know that I can bounce back from heavily investing my heart and soul with this woman. Is there a way to deal with any red flags when I eventually date again?

L, Trelawny

Love Doctor’s Answer:

Time is the only healer following the demise of a meaningful romantic relationship, which generally takes up to three years. Anguish and pain from a split take their toll, which is possibly why you have delayed finding a new partner.

At least you didn’t fall into the trap of entering a rebound relationship to try and justify being loved.  

You were obviously bowled over by this lady’s character and looks, but once her inner beauty showed flaws you failed to nip any difficulties in the bud. This was foolish, as you’ve ultimately paid the price for chugging along.

As you don’t reveal how long you dated for, I imagine that it was under a year because usually the rose-tinted glasses slip off after 12 months.

Ladies are frequently in the driving seat when it comes to how romance unfolds, and they will usually end things for a plethora of reasons. So often a lack of good communication destroys a loving relationship, and your failure to speak up when there were red flags proved costly.

It sounds like it was not a soft goodbye, with her love for you fading fast, but eventually you could find an upgrade once you are emotionally available to date again.

Words you could not say to this lady, probably because you were in awe of her, needed conveying. I suspect that you envisaged a happy future together, so didn’t like to rock the boat by mentioning any concerns.

TIME TO EARN RESPECT
With your next crush, do not be afraid to be a man and direct with her should something seem not quite right. If she loves and trusts you, then as long as it’s not a personal assassination then she is likely to respect you for speaking up.

Learning to compromise as a couple, which includes listening to each other, pays dividends for a long and happy future.

My advice is to hold your ex-girlfriend dearly in your memory by following the traditional Jamaican adage of ‘negative energy is a waste of energy’. It’s best to never think badly about her, nor criticise this lady that you obviously adored.

You should reflect on the good times together and treasure these, rather than suffer by crying under the stars over this lost love.

This has been a harsh life lesson, which still plays with your heartstrings after a couple of years.

AVOID A STRAIGHT SWAP
When you’re ready to return to the dating arena, tread cautiously and it is not necessary to get serious swiftly. I suggest that you avoid dating a lady who reminds you of your ex-girlfriend, either in terms of looks or character.

Rather than rush things along next time, move at a steady pace. Should it begin to get serious, I urge you to compile a list of five pros and five cons about your latest love interest.

Comparing these aspects that you have written down is a fantastic reality check. The lists will make you appreciate her more, or alternatively make you realise that there’s no real future together.

If the pros veer towards her good looks rather than her character, this is a strong indication that it’s best to go your separate ways in the near future and to avoid get too emotionally attached.

ROMANTIC RED FLAGS
There are so many different types of red flags possible in a romantic relationship. However, these are often misconstrued with the red flags expression overused and frequently not applicable.

Manipulation through defensive behaviour, drama, jealousy and pushing boundaries are among the red flags you should be wary of from any future girlfriends.

When you are ready to find a healthy appetite for dating, you can embrace new and exciting romantic relationships. Just protect your broken heart and don’t naively drift into a partnership.

Your future is down to your discipline to ensure that you experience happiness and well-being by finding a lady that enhances your life and vice versa.

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