Can We Recapture Being Kindred Spirits?
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Question:
It’s been a year since I was dumped by the man I intended to spend the rest of my life with.
We met organically and hit it off, recognising that we were kindred spirits. We enjoyed fantastic times together and we went on lots of vacations.
Out of the blue he left me and he never explained why. I’ve been hoping to hear from him because I remain so wrapped up in this man.
As I’ve not dated since the split, should I reach out to him or is that me being selfish?
Kimona, Kingston
Love Doctor’s Answer:
Sorry to learn that you’ve struggled by having your heart broken by his sudden exit 12 months ago, especially as you refer to him as being like-minded by believing you were kindred spirits and wanted to be with him forever.
You need to be aware that meaningful romantic relationships, where there is a deep connection and more, tend to veer towards soul mates rather than kindred spirits.
Both offer immense happiness, new ideas and goals, personal growth as a couple, psychological wellbeing and satisfaction with life.
Soul mates concentrate on love, passion, romance and shared vision. Yet kindred spirits tend to be more about companionship.
The fact that you and your ex-boyfriend believed that you were kindred spirits rather than soul mates could have led to your relationship petering out. You offered each other the safe space of emotional, mental and social support during your dating days.
Sharing mutual attitudes, beliefs, feelings, interests and values refers to those who possess kindred spirits.
You may have been lacking the intensity of desire and passion, which are among the vital ingredients to maintain a intimate romantic relationship.
HURTFUL VANISHING ACT
As you didn’t mention how long you dated for, you have to consider that the rose-tinted glasses may have started to slip off when he performed his disappearing act.
A partner’s flaws are frequently revealed after three months, which is a make-or-break scenario if one of you can’t accept the other warts and all.
Evolving as a couple is not just about the good times, but about compromising and learning how to complement each other.
The rule of thumb about whether a romance will be long term is if couples can both be as enthusiastic about each other after 12 months together. The relationship will run its course if things have severely faded between partners within a year.
You’ve held a torch for this man, who has not had the decency to give you closure. It seems he’s not worthy of affection, devotion and love unless he can reveal a solid reason for walking away.
DEAL WITH HIS CONTEMPT
He has broken your trust and shown a total lack of respect towards you. For you to still have deep-rooted feelings for him and still want your former love interest to return into your arms is understandable.
It generally takes up to three years to deal with a break-up from someone that you truly loved. Your feelings are naturally masked by grief following your split, and as you’re emotionally vulnerable have sensibly not started dating again because this would have been a rebound relationship.
Although it turned out to be a bad ending, you were blessed to have experienced a time in your life with someone that you deeply cared for. Yet it sounds like you may have swerved a future disaster with this man, whose unceremonious exit shows bad character.
I’m a strong believer that good character never fades, but good looks do.
MAKE THE FIRST MOVE
It’s best not to allow yourself to fester about this split last year. As you wish to reignite what you previously had, then you’ll need to reach out to your former crush.
As you need to tackle your lost relationship head on, the first thing to do is to check whether your ex-boyfriend is single.
You don’t want to experience more pain by receiving a curt response to you contacting him, which could easily end up being a rude reply from his latest love interest rather than him.
If you discover that he’s available to date, you can accelerate matters by making contact. You are simply attempting to renew his interest in you.
TRY TWO-ONE TRICK
Open communication by following the two-one psychology trick, which means avoiding using the word I. This trick involves sending two sentences that are positive about him, followed by a line conveying what you want. In this scenario it’s about meeting up.
If you can arrange a rendezvous then ensure that you do most of the listening, so that you don’t come across as emotionally needy.
You ultimately wish to share new experiences together. When you meet do mention a couple of the best vacations that you two enjoyed, and tell your ex-boyfriend that you would love to repeat these trips with him one day.
This is when you need to read his body language and listen to his reaction, to gauge whether this is viable.
SUGGEST NEW ACTIVITIES
I advise you to also come up with some ideas for broadening your horizon together, by trying different trips or even learning new things.
If he’s comfortable about spending time together, you should try to strengthen your emotional connection and nurture him towards becoming a passionate couple.
This is because I believe your reference to being kindred spirits rather than soul mates means that your passionate bond was absent. If that’s the case, it could explain why he walked away because he wanted more as a couple.
You must guide him towards learning to love each other affectionately and romantically before you can consider getting intimate if you want a meaningful romantic relationship.
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