How Do I Deal With My Best Man Ever?
If you fancy sending your romantic relationship dilemma to former Kingston resident Love Doctor Monti, author of Journey To Find The Perfect Partner Forever, submit your question via our form.
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Question:
I’m hung up on my last big romance, my only relationship that has lasted over six months and I’m in forties! My ex-boyfriend is constantly on my mind and still means the world to me, because being with him made us both so happy.
I dumped him last year because I was stressed out by work, which caused me to be on edge and cause minor arguments. After our split I briefly dated two other men, but I gave them up as soon as they wanted to get physical.
My ex-boyfriend seems to still be single following our break-up. My issue is that I feel embarrassed about approaching him after hurting him, as we had the same hobbies and values. What’s the best thing to do about the only man I’ve truly ever loved?
S, Manchester Parish
Love Doctor’s Answer:
I’m sorry to learn that your relationship didn’t last the course, when you clearly feel so much love towards this man that you walked out on.
If you feel that you were genuine soulmates, then he will be delighted to hear from you although initially perplexed why you have decided to reach out after such a long time.
Should you wish to win back his heart then your best bet is ensure that you explain the reasons behind your disappearing act, and apologise.
BE PREPARED TO BE IGNORED
Opening the channels of communication could ultimately prove a tough task, especially if you reveal that you dated two other men after him. You may discover that he was so cut up by the split that he no longer wishes to acknowledge you.
At least he didn’t fall into the trap of entering a rebound relationship since you went your separate ways, which indicates that either he is enjoying his new-found freedom or he is emotionally unavailable following the anguish you caused.
His pride and self-esteem will have taken a bashing, particularly as you claim you were both so happy savouring mutual interests.
Losing a best friend and a lover is a bitter pill to swallow, for many it can take up to three years before they can press the reset button and be able to enter another meaningful relationship.
Most people try to mask the pain by dating shortly after a break up, but their heart is not really in it and the romance peters out. You experienced a diluted version of these by stepping out with other men and running away from them when they desired bedroom antics.
Your ex-boyfriend is firmly in heart and in your head, but you haven’t revealed how exactly long you were together aside from more than six months.
SHOW MORE PATIENCE
Your other relationships have been pretty short for someone your age, which points towards a common denominator of your being a real problem when it comes to romance. Maybe the rose-tinted glasses came off and their flaws were obvious quite quickly to you, so more comprising and patience is required in future.
Poor communication unfortunately accounts for many couples breaking up globally, and was definitely a major reason why you started to bicker with the man you proclaim to have been the only one you’ve truly loved.
If he was worthy of your love and devotion then he would have been understanding about your work anxieties. You should have worked together as a couple and spoken about these problems, by pointing out that these were affecting your mood.
Any good man likes to feel protective towards his lady, and he would have shown his true colours by listening to you gripes as well as coming up with practical solutions. Wedding vows include the precious words “for better and worse” for a reason.
REBUILD FAITH AND TRUST
You’ve broken his faith in you by hurting him with your unceremonious exit, so urgently need to try and rebuild his trust. Easier said that done, but it is achievable if you were true soulmates.
Renewing contact with him, although you have not stated when you last communicated, needs to be a gentle process because he should be understandably wary.
Many exes try to add insult to injury by only re-establishing contact to say they have found an upgraded relationship in order to further hurt their previous partner. These kinds of people are never worthy of a long-term and meaningful relationship, so are best to ignore and move on emotionally from.
It’s essential that you appreciate he will wish to avoid another emotional knockback. So much depends on how deeply wounded he still is as to how he responds to you.
REACH OUT AND APOLOGISE
My advice is to message him to let him know you have been thinking about him and wondered how things are with his career/family/hobbies etc. Add that you owe him an apology for the way things ended, and would love to meet up so that he realised it was not his fault but down to things you had on your mind.
If he agrees then suggest two places, then quickly fire off another carefully chosen message offering him a choice of two days for a get together.
If you can land this rendezvous there are ways to prepare to seeing an exe, then don’t overdo the jewellery, make-up or scent when you meet up. Avoid trying to overly impress him by sporting a new haircut or brand-new clothes, he will want to see the lady he was dearly in love with rather than someone he only half recognises.
It’s tricky having that first face-to-face after splitting up for numerous reasons, which includes whether there’s still a mutual physical attraction. It can take time for the chemistry to resurface, at least two get togethers is usual. So don’t be dismissive if the old feelings don’t come rushing back for either or both of you.
The telltale signs of body language usually give this away any signs of attraction. Although from your posed dilemma, I really don’t believe that there will be any difficulty in determining attraction between the pair of you as you are still gushing about him and full of praise for this man.
REMIND HIM OF GOOD TIMES
The best way to evaluate things, and to see if he would contemplate rekindling things, is to jolt his memory about some of the good times you shared. When together mention a couple of things you both really enjoyed, whether it was a day out, night out or vacation.
Once the conversation is flowing try to steer him towards these great times then throw him a bone with the words “Why don’t we do that again sometime soon?”
This will be a bolt out of the blue for your ex-boyfriend. Yet could be all you need say to prise open a second shot at the relationship.
Should he agree to another day out/night out/vacation that you mentioned, then you have started the ball rolling to possibly becoming the loving couple that you yearn to be.
REJECTION WILL BE TRICKY
Should he shoot you down, then at least you know that there’s little chance of getting back together and need to move on. This rejection could be difficult for you to accept and will take time to sink in because you firmly believe he is the one that got away.
Should you need to look for a new relationship, my advice is to not rush into things. As your track record is only short-term romances, you should start looking for someone with mutual aspirations, interests and values. These are the same alignments as your ex-boyfriend, which made you happy.
Hopefully you won’t have to start from scratch in finding a new suitor. It seems that you are more likely to bag a memorable dating experience with your former love interest. There’s no reason for you to not rebuild a meaningful relationship if that runs smoothly.
You just need to get over the hurdle of having your apology accepted. Your next obstacle is to come up with mutual commitment after being together for a further six months, so that you can move forward as a couple that hopefully is happy ever after.
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