Repeat
Why not send former Kingston-resident Love Doctor Monti, the author of Journey To Find The Perfect Partner Forever, your relationship queries? Use our form to submit your question or send an email.
Question:
I’m getting jittery about my latest relationship. We’ve been dating for just over three months, but the excitement has gone.
He’s handsome, funny and kind. I’m in my early 40s and he’s only the third boyfriend I’ve had.
All of my relationships have lasted less than six months because I lost interest. This seems to be a pattern and with my latest guy looks like it’s as good as over. Any tips on what I should do?
G, Hanover
Love Doctor’s Answer:
You may simply not be cut out for a meaningful, long-term romantic relationship. Alternatively you cannot fully commit because you are seeking a perfect partner, or have yet to find true love.
The journey to finding someone special is always going to be littered with obstacles, as our romantic lives are often similar to the board game snakes and ladders.
We have to take the rough with the smooth and learn to compromise if the person we are dating is not as perfect as they initially seemed.
The thrills of a blossoming romance can swiftly wear off, with this period often referred to as the ‘honeymoon period’. This ‘honeymoon period’ can last up to around 12 months before it suddenly crashes and burns, with the relationship drawing to a natural close.
FAMILIARITY BREEDS CONTEMPT
Your current relationship, which is less than four months old, sounds to be on the wane as your heart’s obviously not in it. Many partnerships go stale very quickly, because the couple do virtually the same things every week together.
As familiarity breeds contempt, the excitement vanishes and shortly after one of the partners disappears from the relationship. When boredom has set in, it tends to either be financial reasons, the need to feel wanted and loved, or sex that keeps a couple together longer than they should.
You can potentially repair this romance by putting the spark back into the relationship, such as introducing new experiences for your dates, booking nights out or even a vacation. Having something to look forward to gives us a purpose to living life.
Your scenario sounds like you aren’t living life and there’s not much to hold you together. Despite referring to him as “handsome, funny and kind”, that’s not enough to stick it out if you want to escape.
ROSE-TINTED GLASSES
Yet there must have been a genuine connection in the first place, which I refer to as ‘partner enhancement’. Over time you are probably starting to see your boyfriend’s flaws, which could start irritating you and eventually lead to verbal fights. If that’s the case then quickly end the relationship before it gets horrible.
Your initial positives about him during the early stages of a relationship are most likely to have gradually worn off. Yet your relationship has not gone sour, because you are still upbeat about him with three positive references.
Now that your rose-tinted glasses have probably slipped off, you have a choice of whether or not to throw the towel in. Regardless of your decision, it’s absolutely essential to ensure that there’s mutual respect between the two of you.
It’s no use apportioning blame on him, using the silly expression “it’s not you, it’s me”, or suggesting a break (as everyone appreciates that “a break” means it’s over).
GENTLY DUMP HIM
If you both truly wish to move away from the relationship show him the respect he warrants for believing in you, by gently breaking up. Give him reasons why you aren’t a good couple, so that he isn’t left confused as well as heartbroken. Tell him some of the positives that made him such a special person for you.
Your best approach is the two-one method, frequently used in psychology. This is when you are basically buttering someone up with two genuine positives before conveying the one main message, which can be positive or negative. When dumping someone that softens the blow.
As you don’t appear to be fully committed to long-term relationships, you should utilise any time that you are single trying to analyse why that is. Maybe your childhood left you with emotional scars, so you remain emotionally unavailable to embark on a romantic relationship.
There’s a plethora of reasons why you might not be ready for true love. My advice is to write a list of 10 things that you want to achieve in life, and see if having a permanent partner would fit in with those plans. Maybe you are career-focused, and don’t have time for someone to share your life.
INDEPENDENCE OR SOULMATE?
As you get older, and you are only in your early 40s, you will either embrace what sounds like an independent existence or Cupid will strike and you’ll be bowled over by finding your true soulmate.
All the time you are with the wrong partner, you are effectively wasting because you could be with the right person who could complete your life. You require mutual interests and aspirations to grow together in harmony.
When you are ready to find the man who can truly become the most special person in the world to you, then it’s worth reading my book titled Journey To Find The Perfect Partner Forever.
This will give you relentless insights into where to find a potential partner, what makes a meaningful relationship last, and ultimately how to live happily ever together.
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