Should We Meet Up Before Christmas?
Why not send former Kingston-resident Love Doctor Monti, the author of Journey To Find The Perfect Partner Forever, your relationship queries? Use our form to submit your question or send an email.
Question:
It’s been virtually two years since I split up with my boyfriend, and I’m feeling a bit lonely as a single gal.
I’m tempted to contact my ex, who I know is single, for a Christmas drink get together. Is this a good idea or should I swerve it?
E, Kingston
Love Doctor’s Answer:
My initial advice is to be cautious during this holiday season, because you and your ex-boyfriend are both emotionally vulnerable as singletons.
The sugar-coated trappings of joy and love are being constantly displayed by the mass media, which results in plenty of people all around the globe feeling disillusioned like you currently feel. Naturally you can expect to feel more down during the winter months because of the drop in serotonin levels.
It’s best to avoid watching too many feel-good Christmas movies, as these will only make you think about possibly rekindling the spark with your former partner for the wrong reasons.
You may want to get in touch with your ex-boyfriend, just because you believe that he may have understood you better and was good to you. You should not give in to temptation, unless he was a true soul mate or there was never closure. You had two years together with your last partner, so something must have been good between you.
Your motives will dictate whether you should meet up or not with your former flame. Before you contemplate messaging your previous boyfriend, work out why the relationship came to a halt and whether it simply had run its course. Avoid opening the channels of communication if there’s any form of resentment between you two.
It’s great to reach out for a rendezvous as friends only, if any meeting truly is in the spirit of Christmas. If either of you would be trying to try to repair your romance then this opens up endless possibilities, and should add some excitement although a plethora of pitfalls.
If you’re seeking another shot at long-term happiness with your last ex-boyfriend because you don’t wish to be alone this Christmas, then take a reality check as it appears to be a selfish act and could end in tears.
You may meet up with your former beau and there may be disappointment from one or both of you. It’s been sometime since you were together, so you’ve both aged and evolved.
You may be expecting a Prince Charming, but he might have got fatter or lost his looks. All sorts of changes occur over the period of two years, so don’t rely on social media images as they are often filtered. The same goes for you, you don’t look the same nor act the same as two years ago.
Hopefully your last relationship had gone way past looks, and you embraced each other’s characteristics. Meeting up could open up opportunities for you to feel more confident and become more sociable, either as a singleton or as a couple.
Being sociable isn’t a sin, even with a former beau. If you want to ask him to meet then make it clear why you wish to meet, so he can relax if you catch up.
Give him two choices of when to potentially see each other, which means he should respond as it’s not a yes or no reply that he should send, and cut to the chase about meeting as friends only or because you want romance.
You must suggest a public place, so that you are both on your best behaviour should things not go as planned. When you meet then open the conversation with how much you appreciated your former partner, and explain how his comfort and reliability always lifted your spirit. Still to the Jamaican motto of “Negative energy is a waste of energy”.
Good relationships are built on many aspects, including solid communication. So face-to-face, if you get that far, you need to be open and honest about how you have spent the past two years without your ex-boyfriend.
You should be prepared to act shocked, rather than jealous, when he describes his two years apart from you. Many men like to brag, and if your ex-boyfriend is like that then he’ll inform you about the string of ladies he has had in his life.
Should you be able to get over this obstacle, either as friends or looking at getting back together, then utilise this time to reflect on the good times together as well as openly discussing the problems you encountered.
This rendezvous should be utilised to help you grow as a person, learning from your mistakes. You may have deemed yourself to be the perfect partner, but by listening to your ex-boyfriend you can learn plenty to become a better person.
If you both wish to press the reset button then openly discuss any problems and collectively come up with potential solutions. For things to work out a second time then you both must be committed to realising your short-term and long-term goals. There needs to be mutual devotion, love, romantic attention and trust if that’s the future you both want.
It’s very easy in hindsight to say that you should have done something differently. As the late Che Guevara once said: “Words that do not match deeds are unimportant.”
As human beings we all need something to look forward to in order to have the motivation to savour life, and sending the right kind of message to your previous beau could help you move forward in your quest for happiness.
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