How Do I Avoid Fearing A Trap?
Why not send former Kingston-resident Love Doctor your relationship queries? Use the form to submit your question(s).
Question:
I’ve been dating for almost two years and suddenly my girlfriend is hinting about marriage. She was engaged twice before, but both times she broke things off after getting the ring then quickly sold it.
I’m wary that the same will happen with me should we ever get engaged, because she has not got a good word to say about any of her exes.
For me it is only early days with this woman. We only see each other on weekends because of the distance between us. What should I do as I keep avoiding conversations about marriage?
L, Port Antonio
Love Doctor’s Answer:
It sounds like you are apprehensive about your relationship being the real thing, and her wanting to potentially discuss marriage makes you panic-stricken.
There’s no reason for her to strike the fear of God into you when it comes to your long-term future. Although she has a track record of walking away from men that wished to marry her, maybe that was a long time ago and her attitude has altered.
She may have learned her lesson that it was disrespectful to swiftly sell an engagement ring once the relationship had broken down. However, you mention the red flag of her never saying anything positive about her previous partners.
Of course you don’t want history repeating itself and being exploited or bad mouthed by this lady. You need to do some serious soul searching about why you are with her, and whether you see yourselves evolving towards marriage. Only you know the reasons why you love her.
If you have the same aspirations, goals and interests then there is no reason for you to not allow this loving relationship to develop.
As you two are obviously in a part-time relationship, because of the difficulties involving distance between you, you have to realistically scrutinise whether your romance is based on love or lust. If it is lust, then it will naturally draw to a close when the excitement and exhilaration of intimacy starts to wane. Long is long-term, lust is short-term.
If it is true love between you, then to smoothly move forward each of you requires commitment. There must be the desire to want to be together, not just at weekends but in the future.
You also require mutual trust, which you obviously lack because of her previous actions shortly after getting engaged. The fact that she is pushing the conversation towards marriage does not necessarily mean that she will get a ring from you and do a disappearing act for a third time.
There needs to be more faith from you with this lady, and you need to respect her interest in ensuring that you have a healthy and meaningful relationship.
Next time she brings up marriage, you should not shy away. Ask her about her intentions for the future, is it career-minded or are children in the equation?
My advice is to be attentive about her future plans, do her words bring you into the equation or does it sound like she is being materialistic? Work out what you can offer on both a short-term and long-term basis.
Having an open, honest and direct discussion about her future dreams means you can see if these align with yours. If they don’t, there is no problem if you are happy to start compromising.
You can also explain what you would like out of the relationship, and then you can determine whether she will compromise too.
By openly discussing where you both wish to be in the future does not mean that you need to suddenly get engaged. The conversation could open many doors and you could feel very comfortable by her words, or become horribly alarmed.
Marriage is a massive commitment as you each become responsible for one another. People generally only decide to get hitched when they want to have children together, or for financial reasons.
Listen to her plans about your future together, and explain your view. If you can work in unison with your words, and get these into action, then let her know that you would like to one day commit to getting engaged and eventually married. But only say this if there are clues that you two are soulmates.
Should her words trigger terror into you, or her plans are not a good match with yours, then explain this to your girlfriend. It is easy enough to explore how things could be more wonderful together, just look at ways that you can improve your part-time relationship.
What will help you two create a perfect match is mutual respect, similar aspirations and trust for your relationship to move forward. Get into conversation with your girlfriend to see if you are going to enjoy a solid future together.
On the other hand, if you remain circumspect about this lady then you must realise that this part-time relationship will soon come crashing down — and maybe with a thump.
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