Should I End This Repeat Relationship?
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Question:
I’m concerned because I’ve just realised that I’ve been recreating exactly what I did with my ex-boyfriend.
I’ve been with my guy for five months, and it’s been miserable for ages. I jumped into dating him only a few weeks after I ended my last relationship. Now I know that he’s not for me, what actions should I take?
S, Portland
Love Doctor’s Answer:
It sounds like you entered a rebound relationship, whether this was for superficial reasons or simply not wishing to be alone.
Sorry to hear that things have not been running smoothly. As you have stated that he is unsuitable, now is the time to end the agony.
It is time to dig deep to calculate why your two relationships have come crashing down in less than six months. Some soul searching is required, and for you to be honest with yourself.
I suggest that you ask close friends for their opinion about these two men to gain some insight that you may have overlooked, as life is a learning curve.
In the meantime you definitely need to discuss your situation with your current beau, and explain to him that you no longer see a future with him. You can always suggest a two-week break without any communication, to see if you miss each other.
The best way to approach him is to utilise the psychology two-one method, which means telling him two positive things about your romance followed by the killer blow that you wish to split. The conversation must not turn into the blame game of who ruined the romance.
It is essential to listen to him, so you can understand his point of view and have some empathy. Hopefully you will be given some pointers into what went wrong, and learn from these.
Generally speaking there are a plethora of possible reasons for a partnership drawing to a natural close. Maybe the individual flaws have become more apparent, which you would have both overlooked when you were enjoying the honeymoon period.
Perhaps the relationship was built on lust rather than love, and the novelty of sex has worn off — when passion dies usually trouble starts. Yet the biggest killer for couples is poor communication.
If you feel that you did enter a rebound relationship with this latest man, then it is best to be frank and explain that you need time to process your partnership to figure out what you really want. Ensure that you don’t make him feel like your romance hasn’t meant anything to you, it is imperative to show him respect. You just don’t want to waste each other’s time any longer.
As you describe the relationship as having recently been “miserable” then maybe he will be astute enough to appreciate that it is time for you to go your separate ways as your heart’s not in it. If you entered the romance for the wrong reasons, maybe as a confidence boost, then it obviously can only offer short-term happiness.
Whatever you’ve been doing the same with these two men has not worked out well, so you should focus on changing the way that you conduct romantic relationships. However, you may have just been repeating exactly what you experienced with the previous boyfriend because deep down you two were happy together.
It takes up to three years for a heart to truly heal from a full-blown loving relationship. If you are not emotionally over your previous boyfriend then it is time to focus on healing instead of jumping into relationships too quickly. If that’s the situation then you need to explore closure with your ex in order to draw a line under the relationship that you ended.
Finding time to heal is more beneficial than becoming a serial dater, a sign of not being emotionally stable, to achieve the feelgood factor by being desired.
Before you consider your next relationship you should ensure that you take some time out, heal your heart and generate the very best version of yourself possible.
Familiarity breeds contempt, whereas variety is the spice of life so maybe you will get a spring in your step by making some tweaks. You could change your look (hairstyle, grooming regime, clothes and accessories), your diet (consider some healthier foods), your social life (check out new places) and your attitude towards dating (don’t come across as desperate or aimlessly date the first man that shows interest).
The only way that you can make a meaningful relationship last is for both parties to be emotionally available, and it sounds like you were not with this latest squeeze.
If you have doubts about the previous relationship then instead of beating yourself up emotionally, try reaching out to him to arrange a friends only chat. Only do this after you have truly finished your current relationship, and of course don’t come across as overzealous to potentially get back together with your ex.
As you ended the romance then he will understandably be wary of you and your intentions to meet up. Meet somewhere in public, but be honest and apologetic as to why you ended it all. Try to display compassion and trust.
The intention of meeting is not about making the sparks fly, but quite selfishly for you to obtain closure. Ensuring that you have closure is important, otherwise it can make it almost impossible to move forwards romantically. Relationships work well when partners have the same aspirations and goals.
Moving forwards romantically will be tricky until your heart has healed. Take some time out from dating, and instead find happiness through your interests or throwing yourself into new experiences. Once your happiness has returned then people around you will be drawn towards you. This is when it will be perfect to seek long-lasting love, when you are ready for romance.
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